Anger Management Institute Blog

When I get angry, I blow up so fast.
When I get angry, I blow up so fast that I don’t have time to stop and think or ask for God’s wisdom. I know all of these things would help, but by the time I think of it I’ve already done the damage. What can I do to help get control of my temper?
Answer:
Dear Friend; It seems to me that anger results from a combination of sources: low self-worth, recurring patterns, disappointments, revenge, spiritual warfare, depression, sin and/or selfishness, inability to communicate assertively, too much stress and other emotional or relationship problems.
Anger immediately rears it’s ugly head within 1-3 seconds of a provoking incident. You need to learn how to prevent such an overpowering emotional response & how to respond in healthy ways to the triggering events. Some people hold their anger inside and then, blow-up later on at a small trigger. I recommend taking the following steps:
Write out and log recent times of anger. Explore what happened, what the issue was, how you felt and what resulted. Then think of some times in the past when you were able to control your anger… probably at work… how did you control it? What did you do or say? What did you tell yourself to calm down? Most people tend to be able to control their anger at times. thus proving that they can have control over it. Order the book and take the Anger Survey in the first chapter.
Learn to take time-outs immediately. You can walk away from situations/people who trigger your anger. Give yourself time to cool off: 10-20 min. Take a run, pray and think about what it is that you are really upset about. What is the real issue and what are the feelings underlying your anger? What do you want to request from the person? How can you negotiate or compromise some conflict you are having?
Avoid lots of caffeine. Completely avoid alcohol and drugs, unless you are taking a prescription. Caffeine increases the metabolism, heart rate and blood pressure, and causes mood irritability. Alcohol and drugs may give a person a “high” or mellow feeling at first and will seem to relieve stress but the effects are temporary and soon after you will actually feel more irritable, and depressed and angry feelings will not only return but usually escalate.
You may be dealing with a lot of stress or loss. This needs to be explored and worked through possibly with the help of a counselor. Explore how you can decrease stress in your life. Begin an exercise program so that you can work off some of the stress in your life physically.
Learning to communicate assertively is one of the most important tools for expressing your anger in a healthy way. See book suggestions below. Begin to share more openly & lovingly your needs, requests and opinions with others. Start setting boundaries so that you are not taking on other people’s responsibilities. Order the Assert Yourself! audiotape and workbook!
Depression can play a part in anger or vice versa. I would encourage you to go to counseling and see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis and the appropriate medication. You can contact www.aacc.net for a referral to a counselor and psychiatrist in your area. Read the article on Coping with the Blues. Exercise is an important way to decrease depression.

~ © copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Question:
Hi. I am a believer in Christ. I grew up in an abusive home, and was rejected and made fun of by my peers at school. Now, years later, I am still working on my self worth. I know who I am in Christ, on a mental level, but still wrestle about being a doormat and non assertive.My problem, believe it or not, is I am struggling with anger..intense anger and frustration, about a co-worker who is a fellow believer, but acts like a holier than thou, better than thou, elitest. She is very condescending to me. She knows my weakness, and plays me.
I know I need to learn to stand up, so I have begun on working on assertiveness. I don’t respect her because of several things, including being a better than thou gossip. She has been in the office a lot longer than I and I have tried to respect that, but she rubs it in my face, saying things like I deserve the hardest work and problems because I am the newest one. I have been there almost seven years.
This is just a tip of the iceberg of what goes on…but I am coming out of my doormat hut..and am feeling…ENOUGH! She talked down to me in the office last Friday in front of everyone, about something I was innocent of. It was the final straw. I need to get a grip on this and do what God would have me do. She is NOT a person you can correct. My last boss could not correct her on anything. I feel embarrassed when I have done something wrong, but I do listen. It should go both ways though. She would be shocked if I told her I do not consider her a friend. I have come to realize she is not, though, if she treats me like I am inferior to her. I feel like the office Cinderella, or a little like the blacks who were told to go eat in the back kitchen instead of being where the “proper” people were. I appreciate your prayers. Thanks…L.

Answer:
Dear L, thanks for your question. You have a right to be angry and to work through the anger in a healthy way.
Here are some suggestions. It’s very difficult working with someone like you describe who won’t take responsibility for their actions and behavior and at the same time, professes to be a Christian.

Speak the Truth: The most important step for you is to grow in assertiveness (speaking the truth in love) and to be able to forgive. I suggest you read about the ASERT approach which provides steps on how to approach someone directly about an issue.
Read the article at the link above to get a complete understanding as to how to communicate the issue you have with this co-worker. Don’t say anything about her not being a good friend to you… she doesn’t need to know that fact. Any real friend is someone you can trust and who treats you with respect.

Confront:I suggest you confront her with the fact that you felt humiliated when she said “_____________________________________” in front of the group at work (use the exact wording she said which was disrespectful but, don’t accuse her of being disrespectful).
Tell her that you have a request: that she come to you in private whenever she has a problem with you or your work in the future so you can discuss it one-on-one vs. bringing something up in front of a group.
Tell her that coming to you privately will help improve your relationship and communication.

Alternative: If she continues to put you down in a group then, you may need to ask your supervisor to mediate this issue between the two of you. No matter what happens, you need to have a come-back if this co-worker makes derogatory or accusatory remarks about you in front of a group.

Practical Steps: Interrupt her by saying, “excuse me. I think that it would be good for you to speak to me in private about this matter. I suggest we go to the coffee room or my office to discuss it.”Or paraphrase what she says, “You are saying that I was dishonest about_______________” or “You think that I should have been more responsible on the work project.”
That way, you will be trying to clarify what she is saying and at the same time, will make it clear to the whole group that she is making an accusation against you. She may back-pedal and say, “oh no. That is not what I meant to say.”

If she doesn’t back-down and keeps accusing you state that you disagree with her about the facts and that you need to talk with her in private about this or with your supervisor – not in the group.

Words Hurt: People do not realize how hurtful words are. Proverbs says, “there is life and death in the tongue.”
Write out what usually happens so you are ready the next time she says something hurtful in the group. You may even have to say, “what you just said was really hurtful and I disagree with you” in front of everyone. Saying this will be a last straw kind of response, but, will express your real feelings and the fact that her behavior is not appropriate.

Scriptures to Reflect on: Ephesians 4:15 states, “speak the truth in love”. You do need to speak the truth and do it in love. You do need to defend yourself especially when a false accusation is made against you and harms your work record and reputation.
Prov 18:21 reads: “The tongue has the power of life and death,” and Prov 15:4: “The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.” Paul writes in Eph 4:15 “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” and in Eph 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” NIV God bless you!
Read about the power of forgiveness. Consider purchasing the book: What’s Good About Anger?
Author: Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-IV. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Assertiveness Skills: Part Two. © copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
The most difficult aspect of communication comes when you take the risk to talk about your opinions, feelings and needs. Don’t let fear hold you back! Pray and ask the Lord to give you the courage to “speak the truth in love.” St. Paul wrote in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Him (Christ) Who strengthens me”. (NIV)

As a Christian, you have the greatest spiritual power in the world residing within you to help you speak up within the bounds of love. Learning assertive communication skills is the next step.

Here are some examples of assertiveness which will help you express your opinions, confront others, state your feelings or make requests:
1. Stating your preference or opinion; “My preference is______.””What I’d like is______”
2. Expressing you feelings; “I feel_______when ______________”
3. Making requests: “This movie is not what I hoped it would be. I would like to leave.”
4. Disagreeing with someone; “I disagree with you when you say _____________.”
5. Saying yes or no without making excuses; “I am unable to come to lunch (or that church function).”
6. “I” statements for confronting: “I feel______when you_______ because__________.”

The A-S-E-R-T model
Ask for God’s Help: Pray for God to guide you through scripture and His Spirit.
State the Problem: Think over and state the facts of the problem. .
Express yourself: State your feelings. Do not judge.
Request change & feedback: Specify one behavior change. Then listen to the other person’s thoughts and opinions.
Talk-it- out: Paraphrase their ideas. Discuss the consequences, considerations & options.
Write out recent interactions you have had with people in which you could have been less demanding or passive. Then, using the ASERT model, rewrite the scenario using the paraphrasing and assertiveness skills. Resolve to start trying your newly acquired skills this week.

Assertiveness need not be a painful exercise of skills.You can get something out of communicating more directly. Aristotle wrote, “many a friendship is lost for lack of speaking.” Speaking up will help you build closer relationships with others and gain more confidence in yourself! Just think, no more hinting, raging, manipulating or demanding your way! Instead, you can state your ideas, thoughts and feelings confidently, not leaving communication up to chance!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Stuffing down anger only results in depression or outbursts of rage. This is part one of how to turn anger into assertiveness. Begin practicing the paraphrasing skills as suggested below. Once you understand what the other person is really saying – you can honestly state what you are thinking and feeling. These skills will help you deal with disagreements, conflicts and misunderstandings.

Assert Yourself! by by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC as published in The Godly Business Woman magazine’s November/December, 2000 issue.

As a Christian it’s difficult to decide when to stand up for your “reasonable rights” and state your opinion, or when to go the extra mile considering others’ interests. You may end up apologizing for someone else’s mistakes. When someone spills their coffee on you- do you say you’re sorry for being in the wrong place? When someone puts you down- do you pretend you’re deaf? When others openly state their values and beliefs- you keep quiet rationalizing that “the Holy spirit didn’t lead you to say anything”?If you’re lucky and happen to have a very attentive listener, he or she may understand your thoughts and feelings and draw them out of you. If you’re not lucky, you and your opinion will be overlooked because you kept quiet. Whether you tend to be indirect, aggressive or passive your relationships aren’t satisfying and issues aren’t resolved.
Assertiveness doesn’t leave communication or issues in relationships up to chance.

What is assertiveness? Assertiveness is a way of confronting the unpleasant or difficult without getting squashed or squashing others in the process. When you use assertiveness you can negotiate reasonable changes by stating directly what you think, feel and want.

Assertiveness builds intimacy, solves interpersonal problems and increases honesty, requests and refusals in your relationships.Assertiveness is biblical! Paul writes about the importance of “speaking the truth in love” and “speaking truthfully to your neighbor” in Ephesians 4, verses15 and 29.
In John 4:17-18 Jesus said to the Samaritan woman, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband”. (NIV) Pretty direct, huh?

Options: Of course, you can choose any number of alternatives to assertiveness. You can fake your feelings, suffer silently, retreat from others, manipulate them or demand your way. Ultimately these options are self-defeating and harmful to relationships.

Paraphrasing One of the keys to making assertiveness work for you while making it palatable for others is to combine it with active listening. Active listening involves hearing and paraphrasing back what someone says to you. Make certain that your paraphrase is brief and includes the facts and feelings the person is expressing. It gives you the opportunity to pick up on their viewpoints and continue the dialogue. You don’t have to agree with their opinions, but active listening will show that you value and respect them. This will increase the odds that others will take time to listen to you.
Begin summarizing what people say to you with these phrases:
“In other words”
“Let me get this straight”
“So you felt that”
“What I hear you saying is”
“If I understand you correctly”
“Would you say that?”
“Do I understand you to mean?”

Paraphrasing is key to understanding and opens the gate to being understood. … (Read the rest of this article tomorrow)
© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Ever wondered who causes anger? Maybe someone is blaming you for their anger and/or abuse. Maybe you blame others. Dr. Stosny, founder of the www.compassionpower.com site and resources writes:

“You Are Not the Cause of His Anger or Abuse
Note: Dr. Stosny posted this same material on the Oprah Winfrey website at: You Are Not the Cause of His Anger or Abuse

Anger in relationships is about blame: “I feel bad, and it’s your fault.” Even when he recognizes his anger, he’ll blame it on you: “You push my buttons,” or, “I might have overreacted, but I’m human, and look what you did!”

Angry and controlling husbands are very anxious by temperament. From the time they were young children, they’ve had a more or less constant sense of dread that things will go badly and they will fail to cope. So they try to control their environment to avoid that terrible feeling of failure and inadequacy. But the cause of their anxiety is with them, not in their environment.

The sole purpose of your husband’s anger and abusive behavior is to defend himself from feeling like a failure, especially as a: Protector Provider Lover ParentIn truth, most men feel inadequate about relationships. We learn to feel adequate by providing what all relationships require: support and compassion.

Read the rest of the article and order some of Dr. Stosny’s compassion/power resources here: Emotional Abuse

Question:
Hello. Today I came across your website and found it very interesting. I am a Christian woman who is 32 years old. I am married and have 2 children. My problem is with my mother. My parents are divorced and it was hard growing up. I dont have many happy memories with my mother and that makes me very sad. Now that I am raising my 2 children, the flood of feelings and emotions have been stronger then ever. I feel really angry towards my mother about how she handled her mothering responsibilities. I dont want to be angry towards her; I want to be able to forgive her. I have tried to talk to her about my feelings but she views it as a personal attack on her no matter how non-threatening I word the discussion. She is in denial about the whole situation or at least she pretends to be with me. She just does not want to hear it or talk about it… and maybe she doesn’t need to. Maybe I need to figure it out on my own and move on. I have read a lot of books about “putting the past behind you” but they have not helped me to get rid of the anger. Maybe I just need to keep dealing with the anger and be open to it and eventually with time and prayer, it will heal. In the mean time, it is very hard to have a relationship with her. She doesn’t have anyone else and I dont want her to be lonely. I want her to be able to share my life but normally after I spend time with her, it makes me feel terrible and I just want her to go away. I also have to say that I think some pretty harsh things about her as a person. I think she is manipulative and a liar and a fake. (I feel she has always been this way.) These are her tools / coping mechanisms to get her through tough issues. She has never learned or chose not to learn better ways to deal with issues and conflicts. I dont want to live the rest of my life with this anger. I dont want my kids to see this or be around it. What can I do?

Answer:
Dear Friend, What are you angry about? That she neglected you – couldn’t support you the way you wanted and that she isn’t nice to be around now? It’s difficult to keep being angry isn’t it? That anger will slowly destroy your spirit and the resentment will become a bitter root.

Maybe you have the answer. You wrote: “Maybe I need to figure it out on my own and move on”. You may not figure everything out though. It’s difficult to figure out why parents can’t parent or be nice people to be around. But, why should her behavior bother you so much? Maybe it’s because you really care about her and long for a close relationship.
If the past was put in the past – maybe you could just start accepting her.
Maybe you could become a different person.
..One who loves unconditionally but, isn’t codependent or passive..
..A daughter who speaks the truth in love even if your mother won’t hear it.
..A daughter who forgives like Jesus forgives – completely and unconditionally.
..Maybe your life could be different and better just because you give this all over to Jesus who said, “come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest” and “love your enemies” and “pray for those who persecute you”.

Letting it go: Maybe you don’t need to spend your life in a prison of bitterness and resentment – ruminating over how much your mother has hurt you in the past and the present. Give it over to Jesus – put it at the foot of the cross and let Him take care of it – the One who said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”
Maybe your mother really doesn’t know what she has done. But, what does it matter if she admits the harm she has caused or not? Maybe you can be better – you can be like Jesus and say, “Father, forgive her for she knows not what she does.” Maybe your unconditional love and forgiveness will draw her closer to Jesus and to repentance. It sure is worth it to forgive and move on. You have a whole life ahead of you – lots of relationships and people who need you – who you can serve for Jesus.
Read Rick Warren’s book: The Purpose Driven Life. Discover who you are in Christ, get connected to His family, find out how to serve Christians and what your mission is to the lost.

Life’s too short to stay stuck where you are. May the Lord bless you as you lay your burdens at the cross. Read about Codependency and Boundariesand The Power of Forgiveness. Order the book: What’s Good About Anger? and learn how to turn your anger into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness.
© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family counselor at CounselCare Connection, P.C. and co-author of the book: What’s Good About Anger?
Response from Writer: “Dear Lynette,Thank you for your response. You are right, I do need to give it to Christ. I have prayed about it, but my prayers are always asking God what to do about it… and I can never seem to get that answer. Christ may be telling me there is nothing to do, just hand it over. Starting today, that will be my prayer. Thank you and God Bless.

How does one resolve anger? I believe forgiveness is the key. Are you still stuck in anger and bitterness towards someone? Consider the following steps taken from the book: What’s Good About Anger?

Steps to forgivingness: In order to proceed from bitterness or unforgiveness to forgiveness we need to :
1. Know and experience Christ’s love and forgiveness deeply in our lives. Col. 3:13
2. Make a choice to forgive. Eph. 4:32 Read Forgiveness is a Choice.
3. Overcome internal resistances (automatic thoughts & beliefs) which block forgiveness. Phil. 4:8, *read What Makes Forgiveness so Hard
4. Increase our empathy towards others. Eph. 4:32
5. Surrender our lives to God continually so the fruit of the Holy Spirit can flow through us to others: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-control. Gal. 5:22-3
6. Have faith that God will judge all the wrongs in the world. Make the decision to leave revenge and justice up to Him because Prov. 20:22 says “Do not say, “I’’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you.” and Rom 12:19 “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.”

Lewis Smedes wrote in Forgive and Forget: “love is the power behind forgiveness”.
I would add that it is Christ’s love and grace which provides the basis for forgiveness, giving us supernatural power to forgive others, the power to overcome resentment, the power to redeem relationships and show God’s love to a hurting world.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.