The Results of Hidden Anger… July 7, 2019

Question:
When we talk about anger, I always remember a few situations, and wonder – did I do wrong or good? In every situation, I am trying to stay calm and after that what happens with the anger? I think it is somewhere deep in side of me, and there must be some valve for all my anger. How will that impact my life?

Answer:
Dear Friend, Maybe you are really asking: Has my anger and response to provoking situations been helpful? What happens to the anger when I don’t express it? How does it affect my life?

Pent-up Anger: It sounds like you try to remain calm which is helpful in containing conflict and angry outbursts – but, your anger remains hidden. Hidden anger can grow and result in bitterness and depression or eventually there may be an outburst of anger over something small because you have been holding it in.
Is it good to keep your anger unexpressed? I don’t believe so.

Anger Expressed: I think anger is meant to be expressed in healthy ways through assertive communication and problem-solving. If you can’t talk with the person directly who you are angry with – then, it is helpful to express your anger to a confidante or counselor. You can explore ways to express it directly or decide to let it go.

Ultimately, when you don’t express anger – you will be affected by it. Anger is an emotion which results from feelings of fear, frustration, hurt and loss of control. The emotional valve within will explode when these feelings are not dealt with. You need to make changes so you can deal with your emotions and the issues. Working through anger using healthy coping skills will bring a sense of peace and confidence to your life.

Order the book: What’s Good About Anger? to learn more about these skills and how faith can help defuse your anger.

© copyright 2019 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection and National Certified Counselor. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations. She is a Certified Anger Management Specialist-V, Diplomate, Consultant, Trainer with the National Anger Management Association.

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Why Do People Get Angry?

Clients tell me that when they feel disrespected or treated rudely – they get angry. Often, they experience anger when they feel helpless or when goals are blocked.
An important fact about anger is that the amygdala (emotional center) in the brain becomes triggered within 1/20 of a second when people first feel threatened, angry or frustrated. In the book, Anger Disorders, authors Raymond DiGiussepe and Raymond Tafrate write:
“Researchers have demonstrated 10 key areas of anger provoking stimuli:
1. Interruption of goal-directed behavior when time is important;
2. Experiencing personal degradation or unfair treatment (and being powerless to stop it)
3. Being treated unfairly, unkindly, or in a prejudicial way whether or not one is present;
4. Being the object of dishonesty or broken promises or being disappointed by others or even oneself
5. Having one’s authority, feelings, or property being disregarded by others
6. Being ignored or treated badly by a significant other
7. Experiencing harm because of one’s negligence toward oneself
8. Being shown by others’ behavior that they do not care
9. Being the object of verbal or physical assault
10. Being a “helpless victim.” (Things one cannot control despite a desire to do so.”)”

A home-study student writes: While we were married, my wife an often exchanged angry and hurtful words. Very often, I would pound things (desk, kick a chair) because I so desperately wanted to avoid hitting her. All of that changed when she hit me. At first I was stunned, but then, very predictably, I became angry and I shoved her back against the wall. From that point on there were many instances when I acted violently or aggressively toward her. I never hit her with my hand, just pushed her around. I was so ashamed of my behavior (after sanity returned) but it was so hard to avoid it. I tried timeouts, but she would not respect them and it became progressively worse.

Though there are many reasons for getting angry – you don’t have to stay angry and you don’t have to experience ill-effects from anger. The goal of What’s Good About Anger is to show that anger is a complex emotion and a force that can be used for good.  Healthy anger transformed into assertiveness, problem-solving and conflict resolution strategies can help you reach your goals effectively and live a more satisfying life.  

Anger’s Ugly Consequences
The consequences of anger can be very costly. Broken relationships. Legal problems. Job loss. You can prevent negative consequences by learning to manage your anger. Here are some insights to help you commit to change anger for good! Listen to this podcast here.

Listen to all podcasts here!

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
CounselCare Connection, P.C. – Anger Management Institute
1200 Harger Spring Road, Suite 602 – Oak Brook, IL 60523
630-368-1880

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Steps for Obtaining Anger Management Specialist Certification

Here are the steps to obtain certification from the National Anger Management Association as a Certified Anger Management Specialist (CAMS-I or II):

1. Take an approved course offered at the Anger Management Institute— live training, online or home-study programs: Live Anger Management Specialist Training Workshops will be offered September 5-6, 2019 in Oak Brook, IL! Register online here!

Distance-learning: obtain certification as an Anger Management Specialist-1 or II (CAMS-I or CAMS-II) by taking the Online Trainer-Specialist Certification Course with video (fastest way) OR order the DVD home-study program!  Our courses are approved by NAMA to qualify for their certification.

2. When you finish the distance-learning course (11 quizzes) NAMA requires that students take 2 hours of phone supervision/consultation (with our Institute) in order to qualify for the credential. Phone supervision is not required for participants attending workshops.

3. Once you finish with the required steps 1 and 2 above you can apply for the CAMS-I or II credential with NAMA. There is a membership fee of $125/150 paid directly to them. NAMA, at that time, will provide you with a profile on their national/international directory and the official CAMS-I certificate/credential! We walk you through this process.

Visit the Anger Management Institute web site for live workshops, certification information and all of our anger management resources!

Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V

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Anger and Guilt

Question:
Does anyone one else feel guilty about expressing their anger no matter how justified ? I`m very laid back and some people take advantage. However, if I reach my limit and express my anger, I end up apologizing for it. I guess I have more respect for other peoples` feelings than they do for mine so I just keep smiling and suppress it. I`ve had some pretty bad anger locked in my head for the last 3 years with no where for it to go because I just bottled it all up. Thanks for any response.

Answer: Often we feel guilt after getting angry. Sometimes, it’s false guilt. Other times, the guilt is a good measure of anger mismanagement and over-reaction to anger. How can you determine whether your guilt is true or false? 

Here is a questionnaire you could complete after any incidents in which you felt angry:1. Describe the situation which occurred.

What was the issue?

2. How did I respond?
Did I talk harshly___, loudly___, disrespectfully___, critically___, in a threatening___ or judgmental way___?

Did I make character assassinations?___

3. Was my response measured,___ respectful___, tactful___?

Did I keep to the issue described in question one? ___
I listened___
I paraphrased what was said to me___
I demonstrated empathy (put myself in the other person’s shoes)___
I stated my feelings in a calm manner along with the facts___

4. What could I have done differently?

How could I have responded in a healthier manner?
Used more tact___
Been more respectful___
Kept the tone of my voice down___
Listened more___
Summarized what was said to me___
Showed more empathy___
Stated my feelings firmly but calmly___

Measuring whether your guilt is true or false:
In order to determine whether you did something right or wrong – score your questionnaire this way:
1. If you checked anything in question 2 or 4 – your guilt is probably right-on. You most likely should apologize.

2. If you didn’t check anything in question 2 or 4 but, checked many of the items in question 3 – your guilt is most likely false.

Don’t apologize. Take responsibility for your actions and let the other person take responsibility for theirs. If the other person says you were harsh or loud – you can apologize that your behavior offended them and that you didn’t mean to.

Learn some anger management skills to help you cope with these situations.
Listen to the current podcast: Talk-Out Your Anger!
“Most people tend to hold anger in or explode. Some use manipulation. Learn some no-guilt techniques to assertively express your anger and get your needs met without squashing others.”

See www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com for FAQs, Quick Tips for Managing Anger Podcasts and all resources.

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V

What’s Good About Anger podcasts, blog, resources

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The Anger – Trust Connection

The Anger-Trust Connection podcast by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

How can you rebuild trust when you are angry with someone? Is there any hope? What needs to happen to break the cycle of anger and distrust? Here are some insights and tips for restoring broken relationships when your spouse or significant other lets you down.
“Did you ever wonder if there is a connection between “trust and anger”? 
Often, the reason we feel angry is because someone has let us down, disappointed or blocked our goals, betrayed us or used and manipulated us. When you feel let down, abused, humiliated by someone close to you – you realize that you can’t trust them to be responsible or be considerate of your needs and goals.  That realization causes you feel hurt and angry. Though it’s normal to feel hurt and angry – the question comes to mind: is there anyway to rebuild the trust and alleviate the anger?  

Trust is a necessary but, frail factor in relationships. Have you ever noticed that when people are angry with someone – they no longer trust them – they become cynical – believing the worst of that person and harbor anger towards them.

One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly.

What does trusting someone signify?
Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. When that person fails you in these areas – the result is hurt and anger. Here are some factors to consider about trust and it’s connection to anger….”  Click to listen

© copyright 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V.
CounselCare Connection, P.C. – Anger Management Institute
1200 Harger Road, Suite 602 – Oak Brook, IL 60523
630-368-1880

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Blind Rage…

Question:
Hi, I haven’t been mad in a long time. I got my anger in control, until last night.
My spouse withheld information, I being a survivor, felt completely manipulated.
Is there such a thing as blind rage. Because I remember very little after 5pm lastnight. I dont remember going to bed, nothing.
I was mad when I woke up this morning, but I am scared I might of did something I should not have. I fight fair. My spouse does not. He says I am crazy, insane, my best friend lives out of state, so he tells me I have no friends, I am a loser.
I have never went out of control, from anger and this scares me.
Can you really black out with anger?? I guess you can? I dont do drugs or drink alcohol, so that is not in the equation.
Help me please understand what happened and how I can never do that again. I am scared and alone.
Blind Rage, that is all I can think. Please help me figure this out. I really need help. Anonymous

Answer:
“Blind Rage”… hummm… good way to describe the gut, physiological response produced by the emotional center of the brain (amygdala) when it is not kept in check by the frontal cortex of the brain. Hate to be so clinical – but, I think that’s the result when you respond to anger triggers without any intervention by the thinking/judgment part of the brain.

Yes. The response could also have to do with a “throw-back” to the past when you were abused and mistreated. All those memories and feelings return with full-force. But, since he is verbal abuser – your feelings of helplessness and shame from the put-downs came to the surface.
These are just some random thoughts. More importantly, blind rage can be controlled. And you need to talk and work more with your psychologist about this so it doesn’t happen again. Listen to the Road Rage Tirade! and Road Rage Remedy podcasts to gain more insight into how to retrain your brain for better control over anger! Read the blog post on Controlling Anger and Rage for more help.

By the way – you need to protect yourself from your husband’s verbal abuse. Verbal abuse on this scale will generally escalate into physical or sexual abuse. Verbal abuse will cause you much psychological and emotional trauma.

There is no excuse for abuse! Visit http://www.saferelationships.net/ for resources!
_________________
© copyright 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
Certified Anger Management Specialist-V with the National Anger Management Association; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
Anger Management Institute site, podcasts and resources

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Defusing Anger & Rage…..

Question:

I hate going outside…Every time I step out of my house I’m certain that the people I pass by on the street will say sly remarks about the way I look, or the way I dress or the way I move.

Each time this situation happens it brings me closer and closer to acting on my rage. I’ve been struggling though this problem that has been troubling me since my early teens that persists till today. I just hope that I’ll always be able to control my rage cause my patience with people is wearing dangerously thin. When I snap there will be requiem to pay. Any suggestions for how to deal with this? Struggling

Answer:

Dear Struggling Friend, I wonder if you would be willing to start changing yourself? You can’t change others or the way they treat you – but, you can start working on building your confidence and controlling your anger. Actually, concentrating on yourself will help defuse your anger. Anticipating the way people will treat you is triggering anger prior to any stressful event occurring.

Triggers: We discuss two types of cognitive triggers (podcast) in the book: What’s Good About Anger?.

One is when a stressful event occurs which actually triggers your thinking and anger because someone has disappointed or frustrated you by what they have done or not done. The other is when you anticipate someone will disappoint or frustrate you or something will go wrong – that thinking is the real trigger for your angry feelings.

Expect disappointment but, don’t let it overwhelm you. People will disappoint us and let us down. That’s a fact of life. Maybe you have suffered from some abuse or discrimination. But, you are valuable. You have talents and a unique personality and gifts. You have a God-given purpose for living! Because of these and other reasons – the way people treat you should not control how you feel about yourself or your emotional response.

It’s normal to react with anger when someone disrespects or humiliates you. But, how they treat you should not cause you to overreact, feel shameful about yourself or insignificant. It’s when you lose value in yourself that you will react angrily.

Don’t let anyone control how you respond. Think this way instead:
1. “I can’t be certain that I will be treated negatively – I should just give them the benefit of the doubt”
2. “Maybe they are having a bad day”
3. “This isn’t worth losing my cool over”
4. “I may deserve to be treated better but, I’m not going to let this person trigger my anger”
5. “I’m going to take a time out to think over how to respond and then, come back to this person”.
6. “I’ve got better things to deal with now”
7. “Don’t pass a judgment on them – he/she doesn’t understand what he/she’s doing”
8. “I’m going to let this one pass. It’s not worth getting angry over.”

Rise above any trigger or scenario by changing your thinking, developing your emotional intelligence, increasing your self-esteem and anger management skills.


© copyright 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V; President, Anger Management Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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Anger and Self-awareness

What makes you angry? Disrespect, loud noises, unfriendly, self-centered people, put-downs, rude behavior, people who break the rules? Anger is normal and it is an energy which can help you accomplish goals. But, if you can’t detect your anger in the early stages – you may find yourself over-reacting when something or someone triggers you.

Question:

A while ago I cut somebody off in traffic and this person was upset. This person pulled up beside me at the next traffic light and I apologized but this person wasn’t having it. They started swearing and threatening me and usually in the past I would get out and this person would be eating through a straw for the next month. I couldn’t help myself but to start getting angry and yelling comments back at this person. Eventually we just drove on. Any advice to help me keep control next time? Anon

Answer:

Maybe you are dealing with guilt and wishing you had handled the situation with a ‘cool head’. What if you had done something differently and had been more aware of your own anger and triggers?

How about writing out the road rage event and identifying what you were thinking. Most likely, you had “hot self-talk”. Hot self-talk will cause you to react more angrily than you normally would. Maybe you began saying to yourself- “I can’t let him/her disrespect and humiliate me that way!” “I’m going to tell him off!”, etc. It’s time to start thinking differently.

How about considering what is going on with that other person. Maybe he/she has a mental problem or has had a very stressful day. Maybe you could have counted to ten and just kept silent knowing that yelling was not going to help and actually could escalate the situation.  How about telling yourself that “this person isn’t going to get my goat.” or putting yourself in their shoes. There’s a reason they got so mad – that doesn’t mean it was justified or acceptable but, you did cut them off.

The problem is that you could have provoked that person more with your rage. Your outburst may have incited you (or him) to cause physical harm.

When someone gets that enraged- it’s best to back off for your own protection. He can’t think straight. You can’t think straight and you won’t solve the issue then. Road rage – any kind of rage – leads to violence. You don’t need to become one of it’s victims or end up in jail.

Write it out:
What physical feeling did I sense? (flushed face, knot in stomach, tense muscles, tightness in neck/chest, etc.) What I thought (hot self-talk) –
How I acted (unhealthy behavior)-
What else could I think instead (calming thoughts)-
How else could I have responded (healthy action)-

Then, try out the new calming thoughts and healthy action the next time you get angry or someone provokes you.. Write out the consequences. What happened afterward? How did affect you and others? This healthier response should work out better for you!

© copyright 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Certified Anger Management Specialist-V and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for professional, community, women’s and church organizations.
CounselCare Connection, P.C. – Anger Management Institute
1200 Harper Road, Suite 602, Oak Brook, IL 60523
630-368-1880

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