What’s Good About Anger? is unique…

What's Good About Anger book“What’s Good About Anger?” is unique because the book and curriculum emphasize the following:

  • Anger is an emotion and force that is good when it is expressed in healthy ways to achieve healthy goals.
  • The physiological process of anger happens quickly! Anger triggers the amydala (emotional center of the brain) within 1/20th of a second — therefore, you need to be prepared by preventing other triggers (cognitive distortions, stress, etc) and planning to take a break to engage the parasympathetic nervous system (calms you down) by using diaphragmatic breathing and prayer. Prepare with statements like: “I’m going to take a break and get back to you on that.” Use that time to think over the issue and how to respond in a healthy way with assertive. empathic and conflict management strategies.
  • Evidence-based strategies which work: changing hot self-talk to cool-talk (thinking ahead reminders); relaxation; spiritual principles; behavioral change — assertiveness, empathy, forgiveness.
  • Power over self: anger is a choice. You don’t have to let someone make you mad! You can choose healthy anger or decide it’s not worth ruminating over.
  • Emotional intelligence: the program is not about containing anger — it’s about growing in EI (EQ): self-awareness, self-management, self-motivation, social awareness/empathy– which statistically will give you  more success in life than high IQ.
  • Motivates people to try out options that resolve anger and conflict through problem-solving, assertiveness and more!
  • Order the curriculum and resources here!

Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
Visit the: What’s Good About Anger? web site

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Serious Problem with Anger

Question:
My step father released all his problems when I was little and he beat me up bruised me all over. And now he has stopped hurting but does not stop hurting my feelings. And he told me stay away from his brother and now I am allowed to near him but I often released all my anger and this is becoming serious problem. What can i do? The problem is I am becoming more violent. Anonymous writer

Answer:
Dear Friend, You seem to know where your anger is coming from – deep wounds of hurt, anger, resentment and damaged self-esteem due to the abuse from your step-father. Behaving in a violent manner though is bringing more damage to your own life and could harm someone else.

The question which comes to mind is: How can you work through the pain of the past and cope with the present relationship issues with your step-father in a healthy way?
What you really want is to punish your step-father for the harm he has caused. But, will that restore your past and heal your wounds and self-esteem? This man will probably never be able to give you what you want and need. The wounds, loss and self-image problems will take supernatural intervention to heal and commitment on your part to rebuild your life.

Start first with God and faith. Consider what Jesus Christ can do in your life. Jesus, the Son of God, came to earth with the mission of saving the world through His own suffering and sacrifice on the cross. Through faith in Him – you can know and be reconciled to God, become part of His family, be assured of forgiveness for your sins, know for certain you are going to heaven and experience the love of God which will rebuild your self-esteem and give meaning to your life. Read about How to Know God Personally.

The next step is to admit that you have a problem with anger and resentment and that you need help for this. How can you learn to turn the hurt and disappointments you have into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness? This will be a process. But, you have to start to communicate your needs, opinions, thoughts in a direct and positive way without harming others. If you continue to be hostile in your actions – you will not get what you want – relationships and reconciliation. Read about assertiveness and forgiveness.

Order the book: What’s Good About Anger? to begin to learn your triggers for the anger inside and some coping skills such as the time-out and changing your self-talk in order to manage your anger.

Primary Goals: The most important goal now is for you to work on personal healing and managing anger so that you don’t add to the pain in your life.

Yes, you will have to abide by your step-father’s decision about when to see your brother for now. When your brother is older and out of the house – you will have the freedom to get together without the interference of your step-father.

Lastly, pray. Ask God for His perspective and for His unconditional love for this man who is like an ‘enemy’ to you. Jesus said, as He hung on the cross, “Father, forgive them (the perpetrators) for they know not what they do.”
God bless you!
Listen to the Quick Tips for Managing Anger podcasts.

© copyright 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Certified Anger Management Specialist-V and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for professional, community, women’s and church organizations.

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Breaking Out of Anger….


Have you ever wondered what causes anger to rear it’s ugly head so quickly?  In our books I have talked about how expectations, self-talk and choices trigger and amplify anger.
Anger is ultimately a physiological and a cognitive response to certain triggers.  It’s different for everyone. You might be able to shrug-off some triggers such as –  a co-worker not listening to you but, fly into a rage when you can’t get your spouse’s attention.
What you tell yourself or the expectations you hold onto for other people and life goals will impact how you respond to those triggers. You then make the choice to act on the anger you feel.
How can you break out of this? How can you stop the yelling, sarcasm or hidden anger which entangles you in resentment and infects your relationships?
We teach the time-out skill as one of the best methods to stop anger from exploding or imploding.
“But, I don’t want to take a time-out when I feel angry”, you argue, “I want people to understand how they are wrong. I want to be understood. I want to get the problem solved.”
I hear these arguments from students and clients all the time. I can identify with these feelings when I’m experiencing conflict or disappointments.
The important aspect of this skill is that it stops anger from escalating. It stops the physiological fight/flight response we all have when someone or something triggers our anger.
When we take a time-out, we can implement some of the stress management or relaxation skills. During the time-out we can identify what is really happening and write out what we want or need. Maybe during the time-out we’ll discover that what we want is unrealistic or demanding. Or maybe we’ll find out that what we want is reasonable and necessary. Taking a time-out when we feel angry – can help us think through the issues and go back to the other person with one or two  requests or with an apology or with some options for working through our differences or misunderstandings.
So, why not take a break when you feel anger rising inside you?  A time-out will help you put a check on anger and check out whether it’s valid.
Listen to these podcasts: 4 Q’s to Disarming Anger
and Talk Yourself Out of Anger!
See all of the Quick Tips for Managing Anger podcasts at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/podcasts.xml

Here are some resources to teach you skills for managing your anger: What’s Good About Anger? .
_________________

© copyright 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection and National Certified Counselor. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Anger at Work…. May 18, 2018

I don’t really know where to begin…

I’m 22. I work at a daycare, and each day I take care of between 6-10 children from age of 7 mo. – 1 year 4 mo. It is stressful. The kids cry non stop. I am always running around like my head is cut off, my boss is very bad at what she does, and the place is always understaffed.
Not to mention my co teacher in the room complains 24/7 not only about the workplace but her life in general.

I seriously, have lost it. I have serious anger issues. I get angry at the littlest things. I know that 99%… I probably have depression

I have extremely HUGE anxiety and stress.
Last week two days in a row I went home and looked in the mirror, and there were hives all over my chest. and on my neck.

I can’t quit my job because I need money big time, another stressful part of my life. I’m trying to find a new job…
My point is I am afraid that I take my anger out on the kids. at certain points all I see myself doing is yelling. I Can’t take the crying anymore. I can’t take my co teacher complaining ALL DAY about the same stuff every day.

I guess its a venting I dunno… any advice on how to calm down? How not to be so mad at work. I love my kids. I dont want to take my anger out on em. (I would NEVER hit them, I just get cranky with them).
I have issues with my boyfriend too which causes me unbelieveable anxious stress….
Any advice?  thank you in advance.   Signed, Anonymous

Answer:  Dear Friend, you need a new job. In the meantime – until you find or train for other jobs – I suggest you make a plan to defuse your anger this way:

1. Take a time-out as suggested whenever you can. Remove yourself – even for a few minutes – to calm down. Do some deep breathing.

2. Start changing your self-talk. Write out recent scenarios and what you said to yourself which may have caused you to become more provoked with anger. Change your self-talk to incoporate phrases like this:
“I don’t need to let this minor issue upset me.”
“This person isn’t capable of dealing with their problems. Maybe he/she is just having a bad day.”
“Take a deep breath. Don’t let this – crying, demanding, event- trouble you. You have more important concerns than this.”
“I can cope with this. I can try to manage this situation.”
“What will this issue matter to me in a week or so?”.
Some people find prayer a helpful intervention as well.

3. Get support. If a situation gets so bad – you need to ask a co-worker or your supervisor for help. Or maybe you need to ask for a change of patients/students. Get a counseling evaluation for your depression.

4. Stress management. Make sure you have time to wind-down after work. Get some evercise and take time to meditate or pray. Cut down on the stress in the rest of your life. You have more control over the stressful challenges you face personally than you do at work.

Listen to these podcasts: 4 Q’s to Disarming Anger
and Talk Yourself Out of Anger!
See all of the Quick Tips for Managing Anger podcasts at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/podcasts.xml

Here are some resources to teach you skills for managing your anger: What’s Good About Anger? .
_________________
© copyright 2018 Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
What’s Good About Anger podcasts, blog, resources

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Strategies for Successful Relationships… 5/1/18

 

 

 

Managing Conflict – Part One © copyright 2018

If you’re a living, breathing human-being, you will have conflict. The only people who don’t are dead. If you have an opinion on anything you will disagree with someone and engage in conflict. Conflict is an inevitable part of life, work and relationships. What happens when you face conflicts at work? What if a co-worker doesn’t make the deadline with his or her part of a combined project? How do you handle it when your boss asks you to do something unethical? What is your reaction to a co-worker who falsely accuses you for losing a big contract? Do you tend to hold your tongue? Do you wait to see what will happen? Or do you confront, defend and blowup?Facing conflict in relationships is difficult. We all want peace, co-operation, harmony and resolution. Conflict can result in either problem-solving and resolution or an all-out war!

Conflictual scenarios can prevent collaboration and cause relationship breakdown unless you have the skills to manage it. How you approach conflict greatly impacts the outcome.

Insights: Every book of the Bible contains examples of conflict. A godly attitude, response and prayer can make a huge difference in how the process unfolds. Gideon had a remarkable gift for defusing anger and conflict. In Judges 8:1-3 the Ephraimites accused and criticized Gideon sharply. Gideon’s response was truthful, gentle and complimentary. This caused their resentment and anger towards him to subside proving the principle found in Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prayer is essential. Pray that your attitude will be loving and that God will provide you with His wisdom and insight to work through the issue. Paul exhorts us to: “always keep on praying” and to “do everything in love.” in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (TLB) and 1 Cor 16:14 (NIV).

Prayer is essential. Pray that your attitude will be loving and that God will provide you with His wisdom and insight to work through the issue. Paul exhorts us to: “always keep on praying” and to “do everything in love.” in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (TLB) and 1 Cor 16:14 (NIV).Practical strategies for managing conflict: 

Step one: When you clash or disagree with someone one way to prevent escalation is to take a time-out to consider the issues and your response. Don’t feel pressured to resolve the situation immediately. Step two: SUM-UP what the other person says by paraphrasing their demands, viewpoints and comments. This will clarify the issue and provide you the opportunity to reply. Most people don’t listen well and tend to react defensively when engaged in conflict. Summarizing what someone says demonstrates that you are listening, you care and are trying to understand. Replaying what you hear doesn’t equate to agreement with their opinion or request. 

Here are some Ways to help you Sum Up what the speaker is saying:  

In other words, you were not able to make the project deadline and hope I can finish the work.”  Step three: Communicate your need and viewpoint graciously but, firmly.

“I was able to complete my part of the project but, I do not have time to take on your portion as well.”

Write out a scenario when you experienced conflict at work or home. Envision how you could respond by using the time-out, Sum-Up skills and communicating your viewpoint.

Why not discover how you can better manage conflict and prevent relationship breakdown? Using conflict resolution skills along with prayer and God’s wisdom will give you greater opportunity for success in the workplace.”

Excerpt from: What’s Good About Anger? Fourth edition.

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
NAMA Supervisor, Diplomate, Consultant.
President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
Anger Management Institute:
Anger blogs, podcasts, courses and DVDs

Write out a scenario when you experienced conflict at work or home. Envision how you could respond by using the time-out, Sum-Up skills and communicating your viewpoint. Write out a scenario when you experienced conflict at work or home. Envision how you could respond by using the time-out, Sum-Up skills and communicating your viewpoint.

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Anger Flare-ups!

Question: I will say that I do understand how to normally deal with anger, but what I’m trying to illuminate is that it seems to be flaring up a lot more often than what I consider to be normal for myself. I’m more frequently becoming instantly agitated or irritated by things that are, in essence, trivial, and a lot more irritated than what I’d consider normal even under aggravating circumstances. (E.G. sometimes I feel inclined to fiercely curse aloud when I misplace my keys, etc.) It’s like these days I have to exert even more effort to maintain the same level of control that I’ve always had.I’m pleased to admit that I don’t ever get angry with people or direct/displace my anger towards people. So, I do seem to at least have perfect control in social situations; I suppose I simply need to relax more around inanimate objects or something. Any suggestions?

Answer:

You may find stress management and changing your self-talk very helpful as it defuses the physiological response to anger triggers. Anger triggers the amygdala in the brain within 1/20th of a second.

Here are some steps and strategies:
1. Find out your triggers.
2. What do you say to yourself which tends to inflate anger? “I can’t believe I did that again!”, “life’s so unfair!” or “I’m not to let him/her get away with that” or “that’s so rude. I’ll pay him/her back.”
3. How can you change your self-talk? “so, I did it again. I’ll try to find a regular place to put my keys.” or “that person is having a bad day” or “I’m not going to lose my cool so I look like a fool”, etc.
4. Take a time-out/break and try to prevent or avoid triggers and think through how to solve the problem or be more assertive.
5. Learning deep breathing and relaxation is important to help decrease and interrupt your physiological response to angry situations.

Remember: The more you rehearse anger – the more it grows. And the more anger controls you. I believe you do have anger management skills. Since you do work on incorporating them into new situations. Hang in there. With determination – you will change!

© 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V

Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, Certified Anger Management Specialist-V
1200 Harger Rd., Suite 602
Oak Brook, IL 60523

630-368-1880

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Anger and Guilt

Question:
D
oes anyone one else feel guilty about expressing their anger no matter how justified ? I`m very laid back and some people take advantage. However, if I reach my limit and express my anger, I end up apologizing for it. I guess I have more respect for other peoples` feelings than they do for mine so I just keep smiling and suppress it. I`ve had some pretty bad anger locked in my head for the last 3 years with no where for it to go because I just bottled it all up. Thanks for any response.

Answer: Often we feel guilt after getting angry. Sometimes, it’s false guilt. Other times, the guilt is a good measure of anger mismanagement and over-reaction to anger. How can you determine whether your guilt is true or false? 

Here is a questionnaire you could complete after any incidents in which you felt angry:1. Describe the situation which occurred.

What was the issue?

2. How did I respond?
Did I talk harshly___, loudly___, disrespectfully___, critically___, in a threatening___ or judgmental way___?

Did I make character assassinations?___

3. Was my response measured,___ respectful___, tactful___?

Did I keep to the issue described in question one? ___
I listened___
I paraphrased what was said to me___
I demonstrated empathy (put myself in the other person’s shoes)___
I stated my feelings in a calm manner along with the facts___

4. What could I have done differently?

How could I have responded in a healthier manner?
Used more tact___
Been more respectful___
Kept the tone of my voice down___
Listened more___
Summarized what was said to me___
Showed more empathy___
Stated my feelings firmly but calmly___

Measuring whether your guilt is true or false:
In order to determine whether you did something right or wrong – score your questionnaire this way:
1. If you checked anything in question 2 or 4 – your guilt is probably right-on. You most likely should apologize.

2. If you didn’t check anything in question 2 or 4 but, checked many of the items in question 3 – your guilt is most likely false.

Don’t apologize. Take responsibility for your actions and let the other person take responsibility for theirs. If the other person says you were harsh or loud – you can apologize that your behavior offended them and that you didn’t mean to.

Learn some anger management skills to help you cope with these situations.
Listen to the current podcast: Talk-Out Your Anger!
“Most people tend to hold anger in or explode. Some use manipulation. Learn some no-guilt techniques to assertively express your anger and get your needs met without squashing others.”

See www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com for FAQs, Quick Tips for Managing Anger Podcasts and all resources.

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V

What’s Good About Anger podcasts, blog, resources

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How to Defuse Hostile People…

Deal With Person’s Feelings First

An angry person needs to have the issue AND their feelings addressed in order to start interacting constructively. The angrier the person, the more important it is to acknowledge their anger through the use of empathy statements and listening responses FIRST, before moving on to the issue. Problem solving with angry people often results in wasted time unless they are ready to participate calmly.

Begin To Defuse Early

Angry and frustrated people usually indicate their mood prior to opening their mouths and beginning a hostile attack. One way to address or pre-empt the attack is to begin the defusing process before the other person gets on an abusive rant. For example, in the dialogue with Mary and Peter, Mary might have noticed Peter standing in her doorway looking rather irate and angry, and spoken first using an empathy type response like: “Hi, Peter, you look like you are really upset with something. What’s up?” Something as simple as that might have made a huge difference in setting a more respectful tone for the interaction.

Be Assertive, Not Manipulative, Passive or Aggressive

You have a right to take action, or impose consequences in situations where someone has stepped over the line in their comments or behaviors. In fact, if you don’t speak up for yourself in these situations bully-type people will perceive you as an acceptable victim for their poor behavior. When using assertive type statements or setting up consequences, do not dwell on the way the person is communicating any more than necessary. Make your statement, then refocus the conversation back to the issue. With respect to Mary and Peter this is one way Mary might have responded. Read the rest of this article on Conflict911.com by Bacal & Associates..

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
CounselCare Connection, P.C. – Anger Management Institute
1200 Harger Road, Suite 602 – Oak Brook, IL 60523
630-368-1880

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