Anger Flare-ups!

Question: I will say that I do understand how to normally deal with anger, but what I’m trying to illuminate is that it seems to be flaring up a lot more often than what I consider to be normal for myself. I’m more frequently becoming instantly agitated or irritated by things that are, in essence, trivial, and a lot more irritated than what I’d consider normal even under aggravating circumstances. (E.G. sometimes I feel inclined to fiercely curse aloud when I misplace my keys, etc.) It’s like these days I have to exert even more effort to maintain the same level of control that I’ve always had.I’m pleased to admit that I don’t ever get angry with people or direct/displace my anger towards people. So, I do seem to at least have perfect control in social situations; I suppose I simply need to relax more around inanimate objects or something. Any suggestions?

Answer:

You may find stress management and changing your self-talk very helpful as it defuses the physiological response to anger triggers. Anger triggers the amygdala in the brain within 1/20th of a second.

Here are some steps and strategies:
1. Find out your triggers.
2. What do you say to yourself which tends to inflate anger? “I can’t believe I did that again!”, “life’s so unfair!” or “I’m not to let him/her get away with that” or “that’s so rude. I’ll pay him/her back.”
3. How can you change your self-talk? “so, I did it again. I’ll try to find a regular place to put my keys.” or “that person is having a bad day” or “I’m not going to lose my cool so I look like a fool”, etc.
4. Take a time-out/break and try to prevent or avoid triggers and think through how to solve the problem or be more assertive.
5. Learning deep breathing and relaxation is important to help decrease and interrupt your physiological response to angry situations.

Remember: The more you rehearse anger – the more it grows. And the more anger controls you. I believe you do have anger management skills. Since you do work on incorporating them into new situations. Hang in there. With determination – you will change!

© 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V

Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, Certified Anger Management Specialist-V
1200 Harger Rd., Suite 602
Oak Brook, IL 60523

630-368-1880

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Breaking Out of Anger….


Have you ever wondered what causes anger to rear it’s ugly head so quickly?  In our books I have talked about how expectations, self-talk and choices trigger and amplify anger.
Anger is ultimately a physiological and a cognitive response to certain triggers.  It’s different for everyone. You might be able to shrug-off some triggers such as –  a co-worker not listening to you but, fly into a rage when you can’t get your spouse’s attention.
What you tell yourself or the expectations you hold onto for other people and life goals will impact how you respond to those triggers. You then make the choice to act on the anger you feel.
How can you break out of this? How can you stop the yelling, sarcasm or hidden anger which entangles you in resentment and infects your relationships?
We teach the time-out skill as one of the best methods to stop anger from exploding or imploding.
“But, I don’t want to take a time-out when I feel angry”, you argue, “I want people to understand how they are wrong. I want to be understood. I want to get the problem solved.”
I hear these arguments from students and clients all the time. I can identify with these feelings when I’m experiencing conflict or disappointments.
The important aspect of this skill is that it stops anger from escalating. It stops the physiological fight/flight response we all have when someone or something triggers our anger.
When we take a time-out, we can implement some of the stress management or relaxation skills. During the time-out we can identify what is really happening and write out what we want or need. Maybe during the time-out we’ll discover that what we want is unrealistic or demanding. Or maybe we’ll find out that what we want is reasonable and necessary. Taking a time-out when we feel angry – can help us think through the issues and go back to the other person with one or two  requests or with an apology or with some options for working through our differences or misunderstandings.
So, why not take a break when you feel anger rising inside you?  A time-out will help you put a check on anger and check out whether it’s valid.
Listen to these podcasts: 4 Q’s to Disarming Anger
and Talk Yourself Out of Anger!
See all of the Quick Tips for Managing Anger podcasts at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/podcasts.xml

Here are some resources to teach you skills for managing your anger: What’s Good About Anger? .
_________________

© copyright 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection and National Certified Counselor. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Anger and Guilt

Question:
D
oes anyone one else feel guilty about expressing their anger no matter how justified ? I`m very laid back and some people take advantage. However, if I reach my limit and express my anger, I end up apologizing for it. I guess I have more respect for other peoples` feelings than they do for mine so I just keep smiling and suppress it. I`ve had some pretty bad anger locked in my head for the last 3 years with no where for it to go because I just bottled it all up. Thanks for any response.

Answer: Often we feel guilt after getting angry. Sometimes, it’s false guilt. Other times, the guilt is a good measure of anger mismanagement and over-reaction to anger. How can you determine whether your guilt is true or false? 

Here is a questionnaire you could complete after any incidents in which you felt angry:1. Describe the situation which occurred.

What was the issue?

2. How did I respond?
Did I talk harshly___, loudly___, disrespectfully___, critically___, in a threatening___ or judgmental way___?

Did I make character assassinations?___

3. Was my response measured,___ respectful___, tactful___?

Did I keep to the issue described in question one? ___
I listened___
I paraphrased what was said to me___
I demonstrated empathy (put myself in the other person’s shoes)___
I stated my feelings in a calm manner along with the facts___

4. What could I have done differently?

How could I have responded in a healthier manner?
Used more tact___
Been more respectful___
Kept the tone of my voice down___
Listened more___
Summarized what was said to me___
Showed more empathy___
Stated my feelings firmly but calmly___

Measuring whether your guilt is true or false:
In order to determine whether you did something right or wrong – score your questionnaire this way:
1. If you checked anything in question 2 or 4 – your guilt is probably right-on. You most likely should apologize.

2. If you didn’t check anything in question 2 or 4 but, checked many of the items in question 3 – your guilt is most likely false.

Don’t apologize. Take responsibility for your actions and let the other person take responsibility for theirs. If the other person says you were harsh or loud – you can apologize that your behavior offended them and that you didn’t mean to.

Learn some anger management skills to help you cope with these situations.
Listen to the current podcast: Talk-Out Your Anger!
“Most people tend to hold anger in or explode. Some use manipulation. Learn some no-guilt techniques to assertively express your anger and get your needs met without squashing others.”

See www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com for FAQs, Quick Tips for Managing Anger Podcasts and all resources.

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V

What’s Good About Anger podcasts, blog, resources

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How to Defuse Hostile People…

Deal With Person’s Feelings First

An angry person needs to have the issue AND their feelings addressed in order to start interacting constructively. The angrier the person, the more important it is to acknowledge their anger through the use of empathy statements and listening responses FIRST, before moving on to the issue. Problem solving with angry people often results in wasted time unless they are ready to participate calmly.

Begin To Defuse Early

Angry and frustrated people usually indicate their mood prior to opening their mouths and beginning a hostile attack. One way to address or pre-empt the attack is to begin the defusing process before the other person gets on an abusive rant. For example, in the dialogue with Mary and Peter, Mary might have noticed Peter standing in her doorway looking rather irate and angry, and spoken first using an empathy type response like: “Hi, Peter, you look like you are really upset with something. What’s up?” Something as simple as that might have made a huge difference in setting a more respectful tone for the interaction.

Be Assertive, Not Manipulative, Passive or Aggressive

You have a right to take action, or impose consequences in situations where someone has stepped over the line in their comments or behaviors. In fact, if you don’t speak up for yourself in these situations bully-type people will perceive you as an acceptable victim for their poor behavior. When using assertive type statements or setting up consequences, do not dwell on the way the person is communicating any more than necessary. Make your statement, then refocus the conversation back to the issue. With respect to Mary and Peter this is one way Mary might have responded. Read the rest of this article on Conflict911.com by Bacal & Associates..

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
CounselCare Connection, P.C. – Anger Management Institute
1200 Harger Road, Suite 602 – Oak Brook, IL 60523
630-368-1880

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Defusing Anger & Rage…..

Question:

I hate going outside…Every time I step out of my house I’m certain that the people I pass by on the street will say sly remarks about the way I look, or the way I dress or the way I move.

Each time this situation happens it brings me closer and closer to acting on my rage. I’ve been struggling though this problem that has been troubling me since my early teens that persists till today. I just hope that I’ll always be able to control my rage cause my patience with people is wearing dangerously thin. When I snap there will be requiem to pay. Any suggestions for how to deal with this? Struggling

Answer:

Dear Struggling Friend, I wonder if you would be willing to start changing yourself? You can’t change others or the way they treat you – but, you can start working on building your confidence and controlling your anger. Actually, concentrating on yourself will help defuse your anger. Anticipating the way people will treat you is triggering anger prior to any stressful event occurring.

Triggers: We discuss two types of cognitive triggers (podcast) in the book: What’s Good About Anger?.

One is when a stressful event occurs which actually triggers your thinking and anger because someone has disappointed or frustrated you by what they have done or not done. The other is when you anticipate someone will disappoint or frustrate you or something will go wrong – that thinking is the real trigger for your angry feelings.

Expect disappointment but, don’t let it overwhelm you. People will disappoint us and let us down. That’s a fact of life. Maybe you have suffered from some abuse or discrimination. But, you are valuable. You have talents and a unique personality and gifts. You have a God-given purpose for living! Because of these and other reasons – the way people treat you should not control how you feel about yourself or your emotional response.

It’s normal to react with anger when someone disrespects or humiliates you. But, how they treat you should not cause you to overreact, feel shameful about yourself or insignificant. It’s when you lose value in yourself that you will react angrily.

Don’t let anyone control how you respond. Think this way instead:
1. “I can’t be certain that I will be treated negatively – I should just give them the benefit of the doubt”
2. “Maybe they are having a bad day”
3. “This isn’t worth losing my cool over”
4. “I may deserve to be treated better but, I’m not going to let this person trigger my anger”
5. “I’m going to take a time out to think over how to respond and then, come back to this person”.
6. “I’ve got better things to deal with now”
7. “Don’t pass a judgment on them – he/she doesn’t understand what he/she’s doing”
8. “I’m going to let this one pass. It’s not worth getting angry over.”

Rise above any trigger or scenario by changing your thinking, developing your emotional intelligence, increasing your self-esteem and anger management skills.


Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V; President, Anger Management Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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Credentials and Benefits of The Anger Management Institute Training Certification

Many leaders and professionals have asked why they should take the Anger Management Institute (AMI) training programs and workshops to become certified in order to teach and treat those with anger control problems.
Here are the reasons to consider:
AMI provides evidence-based programs and teaches empirically supported anger management strategies;
AMI is approved and endorsed by the National Anger Management Association (NAMA) — the leading and largest International credentialing organization for professionals/leaders in the anger management field;
AMI provides continuing education units and is an approved provider for NBCC, NASW, IAODAPCA, NAMA CEs/CEUs;
Leaders/professionals completing the AMI training programs (workshops, online, home-study) qualify for the nationally recognized NAMA designation: Certified Anger Management Specialist-I or II (CAMS-I; CAMS-II).

The presenters are highly credentialed in the field of anger management: Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V (author, facilitator, counselor), and Steve Yeschek, LCSW, CAMS-IV (group facilitator, counselor and coach) have presented on-going workshops, groups and classes since 2004. Lynette and Steve have been credentialed by NAMA as Certified Anger Management Specialist-IV or V (CAMS-IV, CAMS-V) and are Diplomates, Supervisors and Consultants with NAMA. Lynette and Steve present the Anger Management Trainer-Specialist workshops which are offered throughout the year in the Midwest and in Texas and provide CEs/CEUs for leaders and professionals.
Seigel Bartley, PhD, LPC-S, CAMS-V  and Joe Cook, PhD, LPC-S, CAMS-IV are designated by NAMA as CAMS–V or IV, Diplomates, Supervisors and Consultants. Dr. Bartley and Dr. Cook are professors in the counseling program at the Dallas Baptist University.

Certificate Programs, Courses and Class benefits: Approved and endorsed program by National Anger Management Association (NAMA) – qualifying trainers as Certified Anger Management Specialist-I or II. Approved by NAMA as a primary CEU provider. #102
Approved by National Board of Certified Counselors for 12 Ces for LPCs, LCPCs: # 6577.
Approved by National Association of Social Workers for 12 CEUs for LSWs, LCSWs: #886526264.  Approved by NAADAC (association for addictions professionals) for 12 CEUs.
Approved by IAODAPCA for 13 CEUs – program # 12978: Counselor II, Prevention II, Assessor II, MISA I or II, CCJP II, PCGC II, CAAP II, CRSS I or II, MAATP II, CFPP II, CADC, CRADC, CSADC, CAADC.
Approved by Ohio Counselor, Social Worker & Marriage & Family Therapist Board for 12 CPEs: Provider #MCST081107.
Approval nationally by courts and judges for court-mandated cases since 2005. Approved by Cook County District Court and other Chicago-land area courts for court mandated clients. Listed on the National Anger Management Association directory.

Here are some of the options available for Anger Management Institute training certification:

Live Illinois Training Workshops: will be offered March 22-23, 2018 at Lewis University campus — Oak Brook, IL. Obtain the National Anger Management Association (NAMA) Certification as an Anger Management Specialist I or II at these Certification Workshops. Includes CEUs, workshops, Training binder, Leader’s guide and assessment tools! (NAMA membership fee not included). Read more here!

Live Texas Training Workshops: To be Offered March, 2018 in Plano, TX.  You can obtain the NAMA certification as an Anger Management Specialist I or II. Includes NBCC, NAADAC, NAMA and Texas State Board CEs/CEUs, workshops, Training binder, Leader’s guide and assessment tools! (NAMA membership fee not included). Read more here!

Online and DVD Home-study Training Programs:
Obtain certification as an Anger Management Specialist-1 or II by taking the Online Trainer-Specialist Certification Course with video (fastest way) approved for 12 NBCC and IAODAPCA CEs/CEUs or order the DVD home-study program! Our DVD program is now approved for 15 NBCC CEs and 12 IAODAPCA CEUs.

Dr. Pfeiffer, President of NAMA and Growth Central writes: “Certification by and membership with NAMA offers numerous benefits including: Nationally recognized Anger Management Specialist Certification – this means that you are recognized as having nationally standardized credentials to help you become a local community leader in the field of Anger Management. When you qualify by finishing an endorsed program by the Anger Management Institute and apply for Specialist Certification you automatically become a Member of NAMA.
Listing in the very popular online NAMA Member & Specialist Directory for referrals and credential check. The NAMA website provides you with an electronic Internet link to your professional community. Through the online Directory it also allows the general public access to search for anger management specialists in their vicinity and for courts, businesses, others needing to refer people to anger management programs. The Directory allows members to check and edit their own listing.
Opportunities to network with the top Anger Management professionals and experts in the field.
Support NAMA’s continuing efforts with legislative advocacy, marketing, and research to sustain all our Anger Management Programs.

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Anger Management class–Tuesdays

News: November, 2017

8- hour Anger Management Class begins Tuesdays, Nov. 21 from 7-9 p.m. for four weeks in Oak Brook, IL. For clients/students who are court-ordered or for personal growth! Registration now closed.

 

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Don’t Waste Your Anger!


What makes you angry? Disrespect, loud noises, unfriendly, self-centered people, put-downs, rude behavior, people who break the rules? Anger is normal and it is an energy which can help you accomplish goals. But, if you can’t detect your anger in the early stages – you may find yourself over-reacting when something or someone triggers you. When that happens — you’ve wasted your energy and your anger!

Question:

Awhile ago I cut somebody off in traffic and this person was upset. This person pulled up beside me at the next traffic light and I apologized but this person wasn’t having it. They started swearing and threatening me and usually in the past I would get out and this person would be eating through a straw for the next month. I couldn’t help myself but to start getting angry and yelling comments back at this person. Eventually we just drove on. Any advice to help me keep my anger under control next time? Anon

Answer–

Maybe you are dealing with guilt and wishing you had handled the situation with a ‘cool head’. What if you had done something differently and had been more aware of your own anger and triggers? We teach that — Anger is a normal emotion which can be redirected into healthy thinking and skills in order to achieve healthy goals.

Self-awareness: How about writing out the road rage event and identifying what you were thinking. Most likely, you had “hot self-talk”. Hot self-talk will cause you to react more angrily than you normally would. Maybe you began saying to yourself- “I can’t let him/her disrespect and humiliate me that way!” “I’m going to tell him off!”, etc. It’s time to start thinking differently.

How about considering what is going on with that other person. Maybe he/she has a mental problem or has had a very stressful day. Maybe you could have counted to ten and just kept silent knowing that yelling was not going to help and actually could escalate the situation.  How about telling yourself that “this person isn’t going to get my goat.” or putting yourself in their shoes. There’s a reason they got so mad – that doesn’t mean it was justified or acceptable but, you did cut them off.

The problem is that you could have provoked that person more with your rage. Your outburst may have incited you (or him) to cause physical harm.

When someone gets that enraged- it’s best to back off for your own protection. You don’t want the other person to control how you feel/act. He can’t think straight. You can’t think straight and you won’t solve the issue then. Road rage – any kind of rage – leads to violence. You don’t need to become one of it’s victims or end up in jail.

Write it out:
What physical feeling did I sense? (flushed face, knot in stomach, tense muscles, tightness in neck/chest, etc.)
What I thought (hot self-talk) –
How I acted (unhealthy behavior)-
What else could I think instead (calming thoughts)?
How else could I have responded (assertive/empathic action)?
How could I have used my anger in a healthy way?

Then, try out the new calming thoughts and healthy action the next time you get angry or someone provokes you.. Write out the consequences. What happened afterward? How did it affect you and others?
A healthier response will empower you to take control of yourself (thoughts and actions) so you don’t waste your anger!

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
CounselCare Connection, P.C. – Anger Management Institute
1200 Harger Rd. Sutie 602, Oak Brook, IL 60523
630-368-1880

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