Assert Yourself! by by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC as published in The Godly Business Woman magazine’s November/December, 2000 issue.
As a Christian it’s difficult to decide when to stand up for your “reasonable rights” and state your opinion, or when to go the extra mile considering others’ interests. You may end up apologizing for someone else’s mistakes. When someone spills their coffee on you- do you say you’re sorry for being in the wrong place? When someone puts you down- do you pretend you’re deaf? When others openly state their values and beliefs- you keep quiet rationalizing that “the Holy spirit didn’t lead you to say anything”?If you’re lucky and happen to have a very attentive listener, he or she may understand your thoughts and feelings and draw them out of you. If you’re not lucky, you and your opinion will be overlooked because you kept quiet. Whether you tend to be indirect, aggressive or passive your relationships aren’t satisfying and issues aren’t resolved.
Assertiveness doesn’t leave communication or issues in relationships up to chance.
What is assertiveness? Assertiveness is a way of confronting the unpleasant or difficult without getting squashed or squashing others in the process. When you use assertiveness you can negotiate reasonable changes by stating directly what you think, feel and want.
Assertiveness builds intimacy, solves interpersonal problems and increases honesty, requests and refusals in your relationships.Assertiveness is biblical! Paul writes about the importance of “speaking the truth in love” and “speaking truthfully to your neighbor” in Ephesians 4, verses15 and 29.
In John 4:17-18 Jesus said to the Samaritan woman, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband”. (NIV) Pretty direct, huh?
Options: Of course, you can choose any number of alternatives to assertiveness. You can fake your feelings, suffer silently, retreat from others, manipulate them or demand your way. Ultimately these options are self-defeating and harmful to relationships.
Paraphrasing One of the keys to making assertiveness work for you while making it palatable for others is to combine it with active listening. Active listening involves hearing and paraphrasing back what someone says to you. Make certain that your paraphrase is brief and includes the facts and feelings the person is expressing. It gives you the opportunity to pick up on their viewpoints and continue the dialogue. You don’t have to agree with their opinions, but active listening will show that you value and respect them. This will increase the odds that others will take time to listen to you.
Begin summarizing what people say to you with these phrases:
“In other words”
“Let me get this straight”
“So you felt that”
“What I hear you saying is”
“If I understand you correctly”
“Would you say that?”
“Do I understand you to mean?”
Paraphrasing is key to understanding and opens the gate to being understood. … (Read the rest of this article tomorrow)
© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.