The most difficult aspect of communication comes when you take the risk to talk about your opinions, feelings and needs. Don’t let fear hold you back! Pray and ask the Lord to give you the courage to “speak the truth in love.” St. Paul wrote in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Him (Christ) Who strengthens me”. (NIV)
As a Christian, you have the greatest spiritual power in the world residing within you to help you speak up within the bounds of love. Learning assertive communication skills is the next step.
Here are some examples of assertiveness which will help you express your opinions, confront others, state your feelings or make requests:
1. Stating your preference or opinion; “My preference is______.””What I’d like is______”
2. Expressing you feelings; “I feel_______when ______________”
3. Making requests: “This movie is not what I hoped it would be. I would like to leave.”
4. Disagreeing with someone; “I disagree with you when you say _____________.”
5. Saying yes or no without making excuses; “I am unable to come to lunch (or that church function).”
6. “I” statements for confronting: “I feel______when you_______ because__________.”
The A-S-E-R-T model
Ask for God’s Help: Pray for God to guide you through scripture and His Spirit.
State the Problem: Think over and state the facts of the problem. .
Express yourself: State your feelings. Do not judge.
Request change & feedback: Specify one behavior change. Then listen to the other person’s thoughts and opinions.
Talk-it- out: Paraphrase their ideas. Discuss the consequences, considerations & options.
Write out recent interactions you have had with people in which you could have been less demanding or passive. Then, using the ASERT model, rewrite the scenario using the paraphrasing and assertiveness skills. Resolve to start trying your newly acquired skills this week.
Assertiveness need not be a painful exercise of skills.You can get something out of communicating more directly. Aristotle wrote, “many a friendship is lost for lack of speaking.” Speaking up will help you build closer relationships with others and gain more confidence in yourself! Just think, no more hinting, raging, manipulating or demanding your way! Instead, you can state your ideas, thoughts and feelings confidently, not leaving communication up to chance!
© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.