Hello. Today I came across your website and found it very interesting. I am a Christian woman who is 32 years old. I am married and have 2 children. My problem is with my mother. My parents are divorced and it was hard growing up. I dont have many happy memories with my mother and that makes me very sad. Now that I am raising my 2 children, the flood of feelings and emotions have been stronger then ever. I feel really angry towards my mother about how she handled her mothering responsibilities. I dont want to be angry towards her; I want to be able to forgive her. I have tried to talk to her about my feelings but she views it as a personal attack on her no matter how non-threatening I word the discussion. She is in denial about the whole situation or at least she pretends to be with me. She just does not want to hear it or talk about it… and maybe she doesn’t need to. Maybe I need to figure it out on my own and move on. I have read a lot of books about “putting the past behind you” but they have not helped me to get rid of the anger. Maybe I just need to keep dealing with the anger and be open to it and eventually with time and prayer, it will heal. In the mean time, it is very hard to have a relationship with her. She doesn’t have anyone else and I dont want her to be lonely. I want her to be able to share my life but normally after I spend time with her, it makes me feel terrible and I just want her to go away. I also have to say that I think some pretty harsh things about her as a person. I think she is manipulative and a liar and a fake. (I feel she has always been this way.) These are her tools / coping mechanisms to get her through tough issues. She has never learned or chose not to learn better ways to deal with issues and conflicts. I dont want to live the rest of my life with this anger. I dont want my kids to see this or be around it. What can I do?
Answer:
Dear Friend, What are you angry about? That she neglected you – couldn’t support you the way you wanted and that she isn’t nice to be around now? It’s difficult to keep being angry isn’t it? That anger will slowly destroy your spirit and the resentment will become a bitter root.
Maybe you have the answer. You wrote: “Maybe I need to figure it out on my own and move on”. You may not figure everything out though. It’s difficult to figure out why parents can’t parent or be nice people to be around. But, why should her behavior bother you so much? Maybe it’s because you really care about her and long for a close relationship.
If the past was put in the past – maybe you could just start accepting her.
Maybe you could become a different person.
..One who loves unconditionally but, isn’t codependent or passive..
..A daughter who speaks the truth in love even if your mother won’t hear it.
..A daughter who forgives like Jesus forgives – completely and unconditionally.
..Maybe your life could be different and better just because you give this all over to Jesus who said, “come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest” and “love your enemies” and “pray for those who persecute you”.
Letting it go: Maybe you don’t need to spend your life in a prison of bitterness and resentment – ruminating over how much your mother has hurt you in the past and the present. Give it over to Jesus – put it at the foot of the cross and let Him take care of it – the One who said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”
Maybe your mother really doesn’t know what she has done. But, what does it matter if she admits the harm she has caused or not? Maybe you can be better – you can be like Jesus and say, “Father, forgive her for she knows not what she does.” Maybe your unconditional love and forgiveness will draw her closer to Jesus and to repentance. It sure is worth it to forgive and move on. You have a whole life ahead of you – lots of relationships and people who need you – who you can serve for Jesus.
Read Rick Warren’s book: The Purpose Driven Life. Discover who you are in Christ, get connected to His family, find out how to serve Christians and what your mission is to the lost.
Life’s too short to stay stuck where you are. May the Lord bless you as you lay your burdens at the cross. Read about Codependency and Boundariesand The Power of Forgiveness. Order the book: What’s Good About Anger? and learn how to turn your anger into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness.
© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family counselor at CounselCare Connection, P.C. and co-author of the book: What’s Good About Anger?
Response from Writer: “Dear Lynette,Thank you for your response. You are right, I do need to give it to Christ. I have prayed about it, but my prayers are always asking God what to do about it… and I can never seem to get that answer. Christ may be telling me there is nothing to do, just hand it over. Starting today, that will be my prayer. Thank you and God Bless.