“You Are Not the Cause of His Anger or Abuse
Note: Dr. Stosny posted this same material on the Oprah Winfrey website at: You Are Not the Cause of His Anger or Abuse
Anger in relationships is about blame: “I feel bad, and it’s your fault.” Even when he recognizes his anger, he’ll blame it on you: “You push my buttons,” or, “I might have overreacted, but I’m human, and look what you did!”
Angry and controlling husbands are very anxious by temperament. From the time they were young children, they’ve had a more or less constant sense of dread that things will go badly and they will fail to cope. So they try to control their environment to avoid that terrible feeling of failure and inadequacy. But the cause of their anxiety is with them, not in their environment.
The sole purpose of your husband’s anger and abusive behavior is to defend himself from feeling like a failure, especially as a: Protector Provider Lover ParentIn truth, most men feel inadequate about relationships. We learn to feel adequate by providing what all relationships require: support and compassion.
Read the rest of the article and order some of Dr. Stosny’s compassion/power resources here: Emotional Abuse