Breaking Out of Anger!

Have you ever wondered what causes anger to rear it’s ugly head so quickly? In our books I have talked about how expectations, self-talk and choices trigger and amplify anger.
Anger is ultimately a physiological and a cognitive response to certain triggers. It’s different for everyone. You might be able to shrug-off some triggers such as – a co-worker not listening to you but, fly into a rage when you can’t get your spouse’s attention.
What you tell yourself or the expectations you hold onto for other people and life goals will impact how you respond to those triggers. You then make the choice to act on the anger you feel.
How can you break out of this? How can you stop the yelling, sarcasm or hidden anger which entangles you in resentment and infects your relationships?
We teach the time-out skill as one of the best methods to stop anger from exploding or imploding.
“But, I don’t want to take a time-out when I feel angry”, you argue, “I want people to understand how they are wrong. I want to be understood. I want to get the problem solved.”
I hear these arguments from students and clients all the time. I can identify with these feelings when I’m experiencing conflict or disappointments.
The important aspect of this skill is that it stops anger from escalating. It stops the physiological fight/flight response we all have when someone or something triggers our anger.
When we take a time-out, we can implement some of the stress management or relaxation skills. During the time-out we can identify what is really happening and write out what we want or need. Maybe during the time-out we’ll discover that what we want is unrealistic or demanding. Or maybe we’ll find out that what we want is reasonable and necessary. Taking a time-out when we feel angry – can help us think through the issues and go back to the other person with one or two requests or with an apology or with some options for working through our differences or misunderstandings.
So, why not take a break when you feel anger rising inside you? A time-out will help you put a check on anger and check out whether it’s valid.
Listen to these podcasts: 4 Q’s to Disarming Anger
and Talk Yourself Out of Anger!
See all of the Quick Tips for Managing Anger podcasts at:

Here are some resources to teach you skills for managing your anger: What’s Good About Anger? .

© copyright 2017 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection a National Certified Counselor and a Certified Anger Management Specialist-V with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Controlling the Rage Within

Listen here to this podcast!

I recently received this Question: When I get angry, I blow up so fast that I don’t have time to stop and think or ask for God’s wisdom. I know all of these things would help, but by the time I think of it I’ve already done the damage. What can I do to help get control of my temper and the rage within?

A: Many of have felt this way. Anger is often a primary emotion which quickly triggers the emotional center of the brain within 1/20th of a second. We are often primed to get angry because we are experiencing== low self-worth, unmet goals, disappointments, abuse, expectations, fears, sin, selfishness , skill deficits, stress and other emotional or relationship problems.

So, what Happens? You encounter a rude family member or a co-worker who is pestering you to hurry up with your part of a project – and your anger immediately rears it’s head in less than a second– increasing your heart rate and breathing. All you want to do is loudly let him/her know how disrespectful they are.  Instead, You might hold your anger inside and then, blow-up later on when you get home. Or you may  decide to just ignore the person. Of course, that won’t solve the issue and your anger will keep brewing .

The question is:  how can you  prevent such an overpowering emotional response & how can you respond in a healthy way to these kinds of triggering events?

Take the following steps
1. Write out and log recent times of anger. Explore what happened, what the issue was, how you felt and what resulted. Then write out  times in the past when you were able to control your anger… maybe at work or school or at a community event… how did you control it? What did you do or say?
What did you tell yourself to calm down? Most people tend to be able to control their anger at times. thus proving that they can have control over it. Order the book What’s Good About Anger? and take the Anger Survey in the first chapter.

2. Learn to take a break (time-outs) immediately. You can walk away from situations/people who trigger your anger. Tell him/her that you will get back to them in an hour or two. Give yourself time to cool off: 20 min. Do some diaphragmatic breathing which will help calm you down. Take a walk, pray and…
sk yourself: What is the real issue? What are my  feelings underneath my  anger? Is there a request I can make? How can I negotiate or compromise some conflict I am having?
What else is going on? You may be dealing with a lot of stress or loss. You might be experiencing hot self-talk such as: I know this person is out to get me! Stress and self-talk need to be decreased and challenged

Begin an exercise program so that you can work off some of the stress in your life physically.

3. Learn to communicate assertively as this is one of the most important tools for expressing your anger in a healthy way. Write out and then, share more openly & respectfully your needs, requests, boundaries and opinions with others. Apply the ASERT approach found in the What’s Good About Anger? book.

Identifying your triggers, learning to take a break and communicate assertively are 3 of the most effective methods for helping you control the rage and anger within.

Lynette Hoy is the President of the Anger Management Institute in Oak Brook, IL. Please visit for all of our resources, courses, workshops and services.

~ © copyright 2017 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V

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Can’t Let Go of Anger

Question: Basically one of those little things happen where somebody is rude or whatever, and I cannot it go, it bothers me forever. And in most cases, I’ve done nothing wrong, and I should just be able to go, “Wow, what a jerk,” and move on. But I find myself replaying the situation over and over in my head, and I just want to yell at them.

Very rarely am I able to actually communicate with the person and tell them they hurt my feelings. Couple of examples, At the coffee place where I work, a regular came in, and my co-worker was on her break, but the regular was like, “Are you [her] going to make my drink?” And the girl was like, “No, I’m on my break.” So I start making it, and the lady goes over to talk with my coworker and tells her, (she doesn’t realize I can hear her) “I don’t want her making it” … To my coworker, in front of ANOTHER coworker, and in front of other customers. I am really good at what I do, and I can’t think of any reason why she wouldn’t want me to make it. Honestly, I’ve heard from almost every customer, that I’m a better barista than the girl she was talking to. I actually got the strength to say something to her the next time she came in.

Okay, check this out… her “problem” with me: She get’s a smoothie. She get’s whipped cream on top. We use home made whipped cream out of a seltzer dispenser. Sometimes, there’s a lot of pressure in the container, and she got a drink on the first squirt of the container, so some of the whipped cream went to the bottom of her cup. She got all upset and said I was “cheating” her. I explained… told her that we used recipes, and that she got the amount she was supposed to… so that’s what she had been holding onto. I’m just flabbergasted that a grown woman would not only be so petty, but would dispay the sort of catty behavior I expect from a girl in junior high school.

This was like two weeks ago and I can’t let it go. I keep thinking of what smart thing I could say to her the next time she comes in.  I cannot describe in words how rudely and condesendingly she treats me. Beyond that, this woman is a moron.  I was so angry at the way she had talked to me, and in front of a bunch of people, that I told her never mind, because she’s an idiot and stormed out.  She used to come into the print shop I worked, and I’d help her make stupid collages. It wasn’t my job, and if I’d cut something wrong, she could (and probably would) have freaked out, but that’s the kind of stuff you do in small towns. I just like want to be in a situation where she needs something from me and I can just remind her of this little incident.
It’s really hard to interact with people and I just feel like these little “tiffs” are too hard. I can’t get over them. Please advise, Angryalot


Dear Friend, thanks for posting. You wrote: “Basically one of those little things happen where somebody is rude or whatever, and I cannot it go, it bothers me forever. And in most cases, I’ve done nothing wrong, and I should just be able to go, “Wow, what a jerk,” and move on. But I find myself replaying the situation over and over in my head, and I just want to yell at them. Very rarely am I able to actually communicate with the person and tell them they hurt my feelings..
“My advice is this: In your examples I believe you have a right to be angry. On the other hand, you are suffering mentally and emotionally since you can’t let the situations go and become obsessed with hurt and anger for a long period of time. In our book: What’s Good About Anger? we write about: “What Happens in the Process of Anger?” First there is a threat to self– which is exacerbated by poor self-concept, negative self-evaluations, frustration, fear, disappointment and leads to anger. Paul Hauck explains the 6 levels of thought involved when one becomes angry
1. “I want something”
2. “I didn’t get what I wanted and am frustrated”
3. “It is awful and terrible not to get what I want”
4. “You shouldn’t frustrate me! I must have my way.”
5. “You’re bad for frustrating me.”
6. “Bad people ought to be punished”

This thinking goes awry when one begins to catastrophize and think – it is awful and terrible to not get what I wanted, ie., respect, consideration, fairness, etc. Challenging your thinking is important. People are unfair. People can be disrespectful and disappointing. But, should their behavior cause you to be unhappy for days on end? Is it worth it to be so controlled by them that you can’t function or experience peace in your life? Do these people have that much power over you? Does their opinion of you change your worth or significance?

Read and apply the thinking ahead skills posted on this page. Also, it’s very important for you to build your self-worth and discover your purpose in life.
In order to prevent rumination about past hurfful events and decrease fear about future conflicts – you can learn to be assertive and prepare for future scenarios. Read about how to Assert Yourself!. By challenging and changing your thinking, growing in self-esteem and learning new communication skills – you will find more confidence to handle these people and situations.
At some point, you will need to forgive and let it go. The people may not change – but, you will be set free! God bless!

© copyright 2017 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V.

Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection and National Certified Counselor. She is the co-author of all editions of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Why Do People Get Angry?

Clients tell me that when they feel disrespected or treated rudely – they get angry. Often, they experience anger when they feel helpless or when goals are blocked.
An important fact about anger is that the amygdala (emotional center) in the brain becomes triggered within 1/20 of a second when people first feel threatened, angry or frustrated. In the book, Anger Disorders, authors Raymond DiGiussepe and Raymond Tafrate write:
“Researchers have demonstrated 10 key areas of anger provoking stimuli:
1. Interruption of goal-directed behavior when time is important;
2. Experiencing personal degradation or unfair treatment (and being powerless to stop it)
3. Being treated unfairly, unkindly, or in a prejudicial way whether or not one is present;
4. Being the object of dishonesty or broken promises or being disappointed by others or even oneself
5. Having one’s authority, feelings, or property being disregarded by others
6. Being ignored or treated badly by a significant other
7. Experiencing harm because of one’s negligence toward oneself
8. Being shown by others’ behavior that they do not care
9. Being the object of verbal or physical assault
10. Being a “helpless victim.” (Things one cannot control despite a desire to do so.”)”

A home-study student writes: While we were married, my wife an often exchanged angry and hurtful words. Very often, I would pound things (desk, kick a chair) because I so desperately wanted to avoid hitting her. All of that changed when she hit me. At first I was stunned, but then, very predictably, I became angry and I shoved her back against the wall. From that point on there were many instances when I acted violently or aggressively toward her. I never hit her with my hand, just pushed her around. I was so ashamed of my behavior (after sanity returned) but it was so hard to avoid it. I tried timeouts, but she would not respect them and it became progressively worse.

Though there are many reasons for getting angry – you don’t have to stay angry and you don’t have to experience ill-effects from anger. The goal of What’s Good About Anger is to show that anger is a complex emotion and a force that can be used for good.  Healthy anger transformed into assertiveness, problem-solving and conflict resolution strategies can help you reach your goals effectively and live a more satisfying life.  

Anger’s Ugly Consequences
The consequences of anger can be very costly. Broken relationships. Legal problems. Job loss. You can prevent negative consequences by learning to manage your anger. Here are some insights to help you commit to change anger for good! Listen to this podcast here.

Listen to all podcasts here!

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
CounselCare Connection, P.C. – Anger Management Institute
1200 Harger Spring Road, Suite 602 – Oak Brook, IL 60523
630-368-1880, ext.1

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What services can I provide and can I start my own Anger Management Business?

Questions: I completed my certification with your program. I’m sending you this email to ask you, once I complete my master degree in Counseling Psychology, how can I become a CAMS-II? I am currently CAMS-I since August; after my career completion I would like to provide individual sessions. Another question will be, should I renew the certification with your program in the future or only with NAMA every year? I bought the Anger Management Institute Starter Kit, should I complete an specific process besides getting mandated licenses from my state to provide these services (individual and group sessions) in my own business? or with you and NAMA certification, Am I able to operate?

Thanks for your time in advance. I hope to hear from you soon.

Dear Friend,
Thanks for writing. I can answer some of your questions. You do need to be a licensed clinical professional counselor or a licensed clinical social worker or certified as an addictions counselor to qualify for the NAMA Certified Anger Management Specialist-II (CAMS-II) credential once you have finished one of our distance-learning or live workshop programs. Once you are licensed or certified officially by the state and have malpractice insurance to practice independently as a counselor – then you would qualify for CAMS-II.
As a CAMS-I you are qualified to provide educational classes, seminars, workshops or groups. NAMA does not authorize providers who hold a CAMS-I credential to provide individual sessions as that is considered treatment and should only be offered by those qualified in the State as LCPCs or LCSWs, CADC, etc.
Providing anger management treatment as a CAMS-I only would be considered holding yourself out as an independent practitioner–licensed in your state as a counseling professional.
Please read the qualifications required by NAMA for the different levels on their site:
The Anger Management Institute does not require renewal. You received a certificate of completion for our workshops. Renewal is required by the National Anger Management Association to keep your certification and membership active on an annual basis.
I recommend that you only provide educational services and stay within those boundaries until you fully qualify for the CAMS-II.
You can make a business card and offer educational services to agencies and organizations to provide anger management classes and workshops in their venues. That will also reduce liability.
Operating a business without full licensure to practice as an independent counselor within the State could subject you to liability.
Stay within the boundaries of your training and adhere to the code of ethics and you will protect yourself from lawsuits and protect clientele.
Hope this helps!
See all of our resources at the Anger Management Institute Shopping Mall

Many blessings, Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V

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How You Can Become Certified to Provide Anger Management Services and Treatment

Are you looking to become certified to teach anger management and provide  services to people who are court or employer-ordered or struggling with anger management problems? The Anger Management Institute offers distance-learning courses and live workshops leading to certification. When you take one of these courses (phone supervision is required for the home-study or online courses) you will qualify to become a nationally credentialed Certified Anger Management Specialist with the National Anger Management Association.
Online and DVD Home-study Training Programs:
Obtain certification as an Anger Management Specialist-1 or II by taking the Online Trainer-Specialist Certification Course with video (fastest way) approved for 12 NBCC and IAODAPCA CEs/CEUs or order the DVD home-study program! Our DVD program is now approved for 15 NBCC CEs and 12 IAODAPCA CEUs.

Lewis University, Oak Brook, Illinois: Jan. 28-29 or April 14-15. 2016 LIVE CERTIFICATION WORKSHOPS Obtain the National Anger Management Association Certification as an Anger Management Specialist I or II at our Illinois Certification Workshops. Only $400.00 includes both CEUs, workshops, Training binder, Leader’s guide and assessment tools! (NAMA membership fee not included) Download the January, 2016 registration flyer. Or register online here!

Many leaders and professionals have asked why they should take the Anger Management Institute (AMI) training programs and workshops to become certified in order to teach and treat those with anger control problems.
Here are the reasons to consider:
AMI provides evidence-based programs and teaches empirically supported anger management strategies
AMI is approved and endorsed by the National Anger Management Association (NAMA) — the leading and largest International credentialing organization for professionals/leaders in the anger management field
AMI provides continuing education units and is an approved provider for NBCC (NAADAC), NASW, IAODAPCA, Texas State Board for Social workers, Marriage & Family Therapists,Professional Counselors; NAMA CEs/CEUs
Leaders/professionals completing the AMI training programs (workshops, online, home-study) qualify for the nationally recognized NAMA designation: Certified Anger Management Specialist-I or II (CAMS-I; CAMS-II)

The presenters are highly credentialed in the field of anger management: Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V (author, facilitator, counselor) and Steve Yeschek, LCSW, CAMS-IV (group facilitator, counselor and coach) have presented on-going workshops, groups and classes since 2004. Lynette and Steve have been credentialed by NAMA as Certified Anger Management Specialist-V and IV (CAMS-V and CAMS-IV) and are Diplomates, Supervisors and Consultants with NAMA. Lynette and Steve present the Anger Management Trainer-Specialist workshops which are offered throughout the year in the Midwest and in Texas and provide CEs/CEUs for leaders and professionals. Glen Cannon – an LCPC, CADC and CAMS-III and Jeff Darling – an LCSW, CAMS-III, have over 30 years of experience in the counseling and social work fields.
Seigel Bartley, PhD, LPC-S, CAMS-V and Joe Cook, PhD, LPC-S, CAMS-IV are designated by NAMA as CAMS-V and CAMS-IV, Diplomates, Supervisors and Consultants. Dr. Bartley and Dr. Cook are professors in the counseling program at the Dallas Baptist University.

Certificate Programs, Courses and Class benefits: Approved and endorsed program by National Anger Management Association (NAMA) – qualifying trainers as Certified Anger Management Specialist-I or II. Approved by NAMA as a primary CEU provider. #102
Approved by National Board of Certified Counselors for 12 CEs for LPCs, LCPCs: # 6577.
Approved by National Association of Social Workers for 12 CEUs for LSWs, LCSWs: #886526264.  Approved by NAADAC (association for addictions professionals) for 12 CEUs.
Approved by IAODAPCA for 13 CEUs – program # 11871 for: Counselor II, Prevention II, Assessor II, MISA I or II, CCJP II, PCGC II, CAAP II, CRSS I or II, BRI II, MAATP II, CFPP II, CADC, CRADC, CSADC, CAADC.
Approved by Ohio Counselor, Social Worker & Marriage & Family Therapist Board for 12 CPEs: Provider #MCST081107.
Approval nationally by courts and judges for court-mandated cases since 2005. Approved by Cook County District Court and other Chicago-land area courts for court mandated clients. Listed on the National Anger Management Association directory.

Dr. Pfeiffer, President of NAMA and Growth Central writes: “Certification by and membership with NAMA offers numerous benefits including: Nationally recognized Anger Management Specialist Certification – this means that you are recognized as having nationally standardized credentials to help you become a local community leader in the field of Anger Management. When you qualify by finishing an endorsed program by the Anger Management Institute (phone supervision required for distance-learning students) and apply for the Specialist Certification with NAMA you automatically become a Member of and are certified by NAMA.
Listing in the very popular online NAMA Member & Specialist Directory for referrals and credential check. The NAMA website provides you with an electronic Internet link to your professional community. Through the online Directory it also allows the general public access to search for anger management specialists in their vicinity and for courts, businesses, others needing to refer people to anger management programs. The Directory allows members to check and edit their own listing.
Opportunities to network with the top Anger Management professionals and experts in the field.”

Check out all the anger management resources, curriculum and courses at the Anger Management Institute shopping mall!

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Anger Management Specialist Steps to Certification: April, 2015

Many counselors and leaders ask about the steps for Anger Management Specialist certification through our live workshops and distance-learning programs. The Anger Management Institute is approved and endorsed by the National Anger Management Association (NAMA) so participants can obtain NAMA certification when completing one of our programs.

When participants attend the workshops and complete the 12 hour training – they will be awarded the CAMS-I or CAMS-II certification (licensed counselors, social workers, addictions counselors qualify for CAMS-II) through the National Anger Management Association.
The cost includes the training, and NBCC, NASW, NAADAC, IAODAPCA CEs/CEUs. Once participants have completed the workshops — they need to apply to NAMA and pay the membership fee to obtain an official certificate and be included in the national directory online. Note: we do recommend that participants registering or enrolling in the AMI workshops or home-study courses have a solid background of experience and education in helping people. Most professional counselors and social workers, coaches, addictions counselors, pastors, health professionals, teachers, law enforcement officers and some human resource managers have the experience and training to assist those with anger management issues. Read more about NAMA certification requirements.
We also offer on-site workshops: 2 full days (6 hours each) out of State or 4 (3 hour) sessions on consecutive weeks in the Chicagoland area only.
Our next events in 2015 include:

Lombard, Illinois: August 13-14, 2015 LIVE Anger Management Specialist Certification Workshops Obtain the National Anger Management Association Certification as an Anger Management Specialist I or II at our Certification Workshops. Includes lunch both days, CEUs, workshops, Training binder, Leader’s guide and assessment tools! (NAMA membership fee not included). Download Workshop Registration Flyer now!  Approved for 12 NBCC, NASW, NAADAC and 13 IAODAPCA and NAMA CEs/CEUs.

Texas Certification workshops to be held Oct. 5-6, 2015. Read about this event in Plano, TX on our shopping mall. Approved for 12 NBCC and NAADAC CEs/CEUs. e.

We also offer Online and DVD Home-study Training Programs:
Obtain certification as an Anger Management Specialist-I or II by taking the Online Trainer-Specialist Certification Course with video (fastest way) approved for 12 NBCC and IAODAPCA CEs/CEUs or order the DVD home-study or online training program (includes group tools)! Our DVD program is now approved for 15 NBCC CEs and 12 IAODAPCA CEUs. Note: If taking the training via Online or DVD Home Study – 2 hours of phone supervision with one of our trainers is required by NAMA in order to receive NAMA’s Certified Anger Management I or II (CAMS) certificate/designation.

Truly yours, Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-IV

630-368-1880, ext. 1

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New National Anger Management Association Standards

NAMA is now recommending new standards for certification as a Certified Anger Management Specialist-II. Read about the new standards here.

If you are a CAMS-I you can work towards the next level by meeting requirements based on your credentials, education and work experience. The Anger Management Institute supports this new credentialing so that the public can obtain excellent anger management services by experienced professionals and leaders.

Go to for more information.

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
Anger Management Institute
2000 Spring Rd., Suite 603
Oak Brook, IL 60523

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