The Anger – Trust Connection

The Anger-Trust Connection podcast by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

How can you rebuild trust when you are angry with someone? Is there any hope? What needs to happen to break the cycle of anger and distrust? Here are some insights and tips for restoring broken relationships when your spouse or significant other lets you down.
“Did you ever wonder if there is a connection between “trust and anger”? 
Often, the reason we feel angry is because someone has let us down, disappointed or blocked our goals, betrayed us or used and manipulated us. When you feel let down, abused, humiliated by someone close to you – you realize that you can’t trust them to be responsible or be considerate of your needs and goals.  That realization causes you feel hurt and angry. Though it’s normal to feel hurt and angry – the question comes to mind: is there anyway to rebuild the trust and alleviate the anger?  

Trust is a necessary but, frail factor in relationships. Have you ever noticed that when people are angry with someone – they no longer trust them – they become cynical – believing the worst of that person and harbor anger towards them.

One of my clients once asked me what it means to trust another human being. She wanted to know how she should react when a spouse or significant other is dishonest, inconsiderate or having an affair. She wondered if it is possible to rebuild trust in someone who disappoints us greatly.

What does trusting someone signify?
Trust, in a practical sense, means that you place confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. When that person fails you in these areas – the result is hurt and anger. Here are some factors to consider about trust and it’s connection to anger….”  Click to listen

© copyright 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V.
CounselCare Connection, P.C. – Anger Management Institute
1200 Harger Road, Suite 602 – Oak Brook, IL 60523
630-368-1880

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Blind Rage…

Question:
Hi, I haven’t been mad in a long time. I got my anger in control, until last night.
My spouse withheld information, I being a survivor, felt completely manipulated.
Is there such a thing as blind rage. Because I remember very little after 5pm lastnight. I dont remember going to bed, nothing.
I was mad when I woke up this morning, but I am scared I might of did something I should not have. I fight fair. My spouse does not. He says I am crazy, insane, my best friend lives out of state, so he tells me I have no friends, I am a loser.
I have never went out of control, from anger and this scares me.
Can you really black out with anger?? I guess you can? I dont do drugs or drink alcohol, so that is not in the equation.
Help me please understand what happened and how I can never do that again. I am scared and alone.
Blind Rage, that is all I can think. Please help me figure this out. I really need help. Anonymous

Answer:
“Blind Rage”… hummm… good way to describe the gut, physiological response produced by the emotional center of the brain (amygdala) when it is not kept in check by the frontal cortex of the brain. Hate to be so clinical – but, I think that’s the result when you respond to anger triggers without any intervention by the thinking/judgment part of the brain.

Yes. The response could also have to do with a “throw-back” to the past when you were abused and mistreated. All those memories and feelings return with full-force. But, since he is verbal abuser – your feelings of helplessness and shame from the put-downs came to the surface.
These are just some random thoughts. More importantly, blind rage can be controlled. And you need to talk and work more with your psychologist about this so it doesn’t happen again. Listen to the Road Rage Tirade! and Road Rage Remedy podcasts to gain more insight into how to retrain your brain for better control over anger! Read the blog post on Controlling Anger and Rage for more help.

By the way – you need to protect yourself from your husband’s verbal abuse. Verbal abuse on this scale will generally escalate into physical or sexual abuse. Verbal abuse will cause you much psychological and emotional trauma.

There is no excuse for abuse! Visit http://www.saferelationships.net/ for resources!
_________________
© copyright 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
Certified Anger Management Specialist-V with the National Anger Management Association; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
Anger Management Institute site, podcasts and resources

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Defusing Anger & Rage…..

Question:

I hate going outside…Every time I step out of my house I’m certain that the people I pass by on the street will say sly remarks about the way I look, or the way I dress or the way I move.

Each time this situation happens it brings me closer and closer to acting on my rage. I’ve been struggling though this problem that has been troubling me since my early teens that persists till today. I just hope that I’ll always be able to control my rage cause my patience with people is wearing dangerously thin. When I snap there will be requiem to pay. Any suggestions for how to deal with this? Struggling

Answer:

Dear Struggling Friend, I wonder if you would be willing to start changing yourself? You can’t change others or the way they treat you – but, you can start working on building your confidence and controlling your anger. Actually, concentrating on yourself will help defuse your anger. Anticipating the way people will treat you is triggering anger prior to any stressful event occurring.

Triggers: We discuss two types of cognitive triggers (podcast) in the book: What’s Good About Anger?.

One is when a stressful event occurs which actually triggers your thinking and anger because someone has disappointed or frustrated you by what they have done or not done. The other is when you anticipate someone will disappoint or frustrate you or something will go wrong – that thinking is the real trigger for your angry feelings.

Expect disappointment but, don’t let it overwhelm you. People will disappoint us and let us down. That’s a fact of life. Maybe you have suffered from some abuse or discrimination. But, you are valuable. You have talents and a unique personality and gifts. You have a God-given purpose for living! Because of these and other reasons – the way people treat you should not control how you feel about yourself or your emotional response.

It’s normal to react with anger when someone disrespects or humiliates you. But, how they treat you should not cause you to overreact, feel shameful about yourself or insignificant. It’s when you lose value in yourself that you will react angrily.

Don’t let anyone control how you respond. Think this way instead:
1. “I can’t be certain that I will be treated negatively – I should just give them the benefit of the doubt”
2. “Maybe they are having a bad day”
3. “This isn’t worth losing my cool over”
4. “I may deserve to be treated better but, I’m not going to let this person trigger my anger”
5. “I’m going to take a time out to think over how to respond and then, come back to this person”.
6. “I’ve got better things to deal with now”
7. “Don’t pass a judgment on them – he/she doesn’t understand what he/she’s doing”
8. “I’m going to let this one pass. It’s not worth getting angry over.”

Rise above any trigger or scenario by changing your thinking, developing your emotional intelligence, increasing your self-esteem and anger management skills.


© copyright 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V; President, Anger Management Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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What’s Good About Anger? is unique…

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“What’s Good About Anger?” is unique because the book and curriculum emphasize the following: Anger is an emotion and force that is good when it is expressed in healthy ways to achieve healthy goals. The physiological process of anger happens … Continue reading

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Serious Problem with Anger

Question: My step father released all his problems when I was little and he beat me up bruised me all over. And now he has stopped hurting but does not stop hurting my feelings. And he told me stay away … Continue reading

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Have you ever wondered what causes anger to rear it’s ugly head so quickly?  In our books I have talked about how expectations, self-talk and choices trigger and amplify anger.
Anger is ultimately a physiological and a cognitive response to certain triggers.  It’s different for everyone. You might be able to shrug-off some triggers such as –  a co-worker not listening to you but, fly into a rage when you can’t get your spouse’s attention.
What you tell yourself or the expectations you hold onto for other people and life goals will impact how you respond to those triggers. You then make the choice to act on the anger you feel.
How can you break out of this? How can you stop the yelling, sarcasm or hidden anger which entangles you in resentment and infects your relationships?
We teach the time-out skill as one of the best methods to stop anger from exploding or imploding.
“But, I don’t want to take a time-out when I feel angry”, you argue, “I want people to understand how they are wrong. I want to be understood. I want to get the problem solved.”
I hear these arguments from students and clients all the time. I can identify with these feelings when I’m experiencing conflict or disappointments.
The important aspect of this skill is that it stops anger from escalating. It stops the physiological fight/flight response we all have when someone or something triggers our anger.
When we take a time-out, we can implement some of the stress management or relaxation skills. During the time-out we can identify what is really happening and write out what we want or need. Maybe during the time-out we’ll discover that what we want is unrealistic or demanding. Or maybe we’ll find out that what we want is reasonable and necessary. Taking a time-out when we feel angry – can help us think through the issues and go back to the other person with one or two  requests or with an apology or with some options for working through our differences or misunderstandings.
So, why not take a break when you feel anger rising inside you?  A time-out will help you put a check on anger and check out whether it’s valid.
Listen to these podcasts: 4 Q’s to Disarming Anger
and Talk Yourself Out of Anger!
See all of the Quick Tips for Managing Anger podcasts at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/podcasts.xml

Here are some resources to teach you skills for managing your anger: What’s Good About Anger? .
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© copyright 2018 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection and National Certified Counselor. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Anger at Work…. May 18, 2018

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I don’t really know where to begin… I’m 22. I work at a daycare, and each day I take care of between 6-10 children from age of 7 mo. – 1 year 4 mo. It is stressful. The kids cry … Continue reading

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Strategies for Successful Relationships… 5/1/18

 

 

 

Managing Conflict – Part One © copyright 2018

If you’re a living, breathing human-being, you will have conflict. The only people who don’t are dead. If you have an opinion on anything you will disagree with someone and engage in conflict. Conflict is an inevitable part of life, work and relationships. What happens when you face conflicts at work? What if a co-worker doesn’t make the deadline with his or her part of a combined project? How do you handle it when your boss asks you to do something unethical? What is your reaction to a co-worker who falsely accuses you for losing a big contract? Do you tend to hold your tongue? Do you wait to see what will happen? Or do you confront, defend and blowup?Facing conflict in relationships is difficult. We all want peace, co-operation, harmony and resolution. Conflict can result in either problem-solving and resolution or an all-out war!

Conflictual scenarios can prevent collaboration and cause relationship breakdown unless you have the skills to manage it. How you approach conflict greatly impacts the outcome.

Insights: Every book of the Bible contains examples of conflict. A godly attitude, response and prayer can make a huge difference in how the process unfolds. Gideon had a remarkable gift for defusing anger and conflict. In Judges 8:1-3 the Ephraimites accused and criticized Gideon sharply. Gideon’s response was truthful, gentle and complimentary. This caused their resentment and anger towards him to subside proving the principle found in Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prayer is essential. Pray that your attitude will be loving and that God will provide you with His wisdom and insight to work through the issue. Paul exhorts us to: “always keep on praying” and to “do everything in love.” in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (TLB) and 1 Cor 16:14 (NIV).

Prayer is essential. Pray that your attitude will be loving and that God will provide you with His wisdom and insight to work through the issue. Paul exhorts us to: “always keep on praying” and to “do everything in love.” in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (TLB) and 1 Cor 16:14 (NIV).Practical strategies for managing conflict: 

Step one: When you clash or disagree with someone one way to prevent escalation is to take a time-out to consider the issues and your response. Don’t feel pressured to resolve the situation immediately. Step two: SUM-UP what the other person says by paraphrasing their demands, viewpoints and comments. This will clarify the issue and provide you the opportunity to reply. Most people don’t listen well and tend to react defensively when engaged in conflict. Summarizing what someone says demonstrates that you are listening, you care and are trying to understand. Replaying what you hear doesn’t equate to agreement with their opinion or request. 

Here are some Ways to help you Sum Up what the speaker is saying:  

In other words, you were not able to make the project deadline and hope I can finish the work.”  Step three: Communicate your need and viewpoint graciously but, firmly.

“I was able to complete my part of the project but, I do not have time to take on your portion as well.”

Write out a scenario when you experienced conflict at work or home. Envision how you could respond by using the time-out, Sum-Up skills and communicating your viewpoint.

Why not discover how you can better manage conflict and prevent relationship breakdown? Using conflict resolution skills along with prayer and God’s wisdom will give you greater opportunity for success in the workplace.”

Excerpt from: What’s Good About Anger? Fourth edition.

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
NAMA Supervisor, Diplomate, Consultant.
President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
Anger Management Institute:
Anger blogs, podcasts, courses and DVDs

Write out a scenario when you experienced conflict at work or home. Envision how you could respond by using the time-out, Sum-Up skills and communicating your viewpoint. Write out a scenario when you experienced conflict at work or home. Envision how you could respond by using the time-out, Sum-Up skills and communicating your viewpoint.

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