Anger Management Institute Blog

Can’t Let Go of Anger

Posted on November 2, 2023 by Administrator

Question: Basically one of those little things happen where somebody is rude or whatever, and I cannot it go, it bothers me forever. And in most cases, I’ve done nothing wrong, and I should just be able to go, “Wow, what a jerk,” and move on. But I find myself replaying the situation over and over in my head, and I just want to yell at them.

Very rarely am I able to actually communicate with the person and tell them they hurt my feelings. Couple of examples, At the coffee place where I work, a regular came in, and my co-worker was on her break, but the regular was like, “Are you [her] going to make my drink?” And the girl was like, “No, I’m on my break.” So I start making it, and the lady goes over to talk with my coworker and tells her, (she doesn’t realize I can hear her) “I don’t want her making it” … To my coworker, in front of ANOTHER coworker, and in front of other customers. I am really good at what I do, and I can’t think of any reason why she wouldn’t want me to make it. Honestly, I’ve heard from almost every customer, that I’m a better barista than the girl she was talking to. I actually got the strength to say something to her the next time she came in.

Okay, check this out… her “problem” with me: She get’s a smoothie. She get’s whipped cream on top. We use home made whipped cream out of a seltzer dispenser. Sometimes, there’s a lot of pressure in the container, and she got a drink on the first squirt of the container, so some of the whipped cream went to the bottom of her cup. She got all upset and said I was “cheating” her. I explained… told her that we used recipes, and that she got the amount she was supposed to… so that’s what she had been holding onto. I’m just flabbergasted that a grown woman would not only be so petty, but would dispay the sort of catty behavior I expect from a girl in junior high school.

This was like two weeks ago and I can’t let it go. I keep thinking of what smart thing I could say to her the next time she comes in. I cannot describe in words how rudely and condesendingly she treats me. Beyond that, this woman is a moron. I was so angry at the way she had talked to me, and in front of a bunch of people, that I told her never mind, because she’s an idiot and stormed out. She used to come into the print shop I worked, and I’d help her make stupid collages. It wasn’t my job, and if I’d cut something wrong, she could (and probably would) have freaked out, but that’s the kind of stuff you do in small towns. I just like want to be in a situation where she needs something from me and I can just remind her of this little incident.
It’s really hard to interact with people and I just feel like these little “tiffs” are too hard. I can’t get over them. Please advise, Angryalot

Answer:

Dear Friend, thanks for posting. You wrote: “Basically one of those little things happen where somebody is rude or whatever, and I cannot it go, it bothers me forever. And in most cases, I’ve done nothing wrong, and I should just be able to go, “Wow, what a jerk,” and move on. But I find myself replaying the situation over and over in my head, and I just want to yell at them. Very rarely am I able to actually communicate with the person and tell them they hurt my feelings..
“My advice is this: In your examples I believe you have a right to be angry. On the other hand, you are suffering mentally and emotionally since you can’t let the situations go and become obsessed with hurt and anger for a long period of time. In our book: What’s Good About Anger? we write about: “What Happens in the Process of Anger?” First there is a threat to self– which is exacerbated by poor self-concept, negative self-evaluations, frustration, fear, disappointment and leads to anger. Paul Hauck explains the 6 levels of thought involved when one becomes angry
1. “I want something”
2. “I didn’t get what I wanted and am frustrated”
3. “It is awful and terrible not to get what I want”
4. “You shouldn’t frustrate me! I must have my way.”
5. “You’re bad for frustrating me.”
6. “Bad people ought to be punished”

This thinking goes awry when one begins to catastrophize and think – it is awful and terrible to not get what I wanted, ie., respect, consideration, fairness, etc. Challenging your thinking is important. People are unfair. People can be disrespectful and disappointing. But, should their behavior cause you to be unhappy for days on end? Is it worth it to be so controlled by them that you can’t function or experience peace in your life? Do these people have that much power over you? Does their opinion of you change your worth or significance?

Read and apply the thinking ahead skills found in the Whats Good About Anger? Book such as: “take it one step at a time”, keep your breathing even”, “stick to the issue”, etc. Also, it’s very important for you to build your self-worth and discover your purpose in life.
In order to prevent rumination about past hurfful events and decrease fear about future conflicts – you can learn to be assertive and prepare for future scenarios. Read about how to Assert Yourself in our books. By challenging and changing your thinking, growing in self-esteem and learning new communication skills – you will find more confidence to handle these people and situations.
At some point, you will need to forgive and let it go. The people may not change – but, you will be set free! God bless!

Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, a National Certified Counselor, Certified Anger Management Specialist-V and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. She is the co-author of all editions of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Can’t Get Rid of the Rage!

Posted on September 1, 2023 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Question: Hi , I am really worried people close to me say I need help. This is why. I take things so personally things people do say or decisions they make. It really makes me angry! I think the way i treat others they should treat me the same. eye 4 an eye attitude really. This has made me have many fights. The main problem involves my girl Friend she is the main trigger of my psycho behavior. When we argue it can get nasty I would say i have a really long fuse when it comes to losing my rag. where as she loses it very fast,
basically it gets to a point when I can’t be calm any more my body jus takes over I feel like an adrenaline rush a blow my top I cant stop this and lasts at least an least half hour I scream and shout argue like mad and feel like I want to lash out at her or people violently! Don’t get me wrong i have never and will never strike a girl. I just make my girlfreind very scared. we are both in love still and been together about a 2 years if you don’t count the break ups. The last thing I want is to lose her. I used to cry before the rage but now get angry straight away.Is this normal to have no way of stopping this temper?
My grandfather was a large tempered man could this have something to do with it?
Please help! Thank you.

Answer: Dear Friend, There may be a lot of triggers provoking you. It’s possible that drinking or smoking pot makes you vulnerable to anger and rage. Even though there are many triggers for anger, you do make the choice to get angry. It may seem like you don’t because the adrenaline overcomes you so quickly. That is part of the normal physiological response to a threatening situation which trips your fight/flight mechanism.
I like to put it this way: some people have a very fragile fight/flight mechanism because of learned patterns or reactions to frustrating situations, low self-esteem, disrespectful or rude behavior or blocked goals.
Obviously, there are times when you should be angry – the world needs anger. The world allows evil to go on because there isn’t enough anger to put an end to it.
But, the kind of rage you are describing could worsen unless you work on changing. I believe that learning to avoid triggers, gaining anger management skills and challenging your self-talk could really greatly defuse your anger. It helps to play some phrases in your head prior to a provoking situation such as:
“cool down”‘ “maybe he/she is having a bad day”; “this isn’t the end of the world”; “I can handle this later”; “take a time-out”, “I don’t want to let this get the best of me”, etc.
The way you perceive an event and what you say to yourself has a lot to do with how much anger you will experience. People with “hot self-talk” will lash out immediately because they think: “I shouldn’t put up with that”; “they have no right to treat me that way”; “they’ll pay for that”, etc.
When people are disrespectful of you – you can learn some assertiveness skills to paraphrase what they have said such as: “did I hear you correctly? Are you saying that you think I’m not keeping up with my share of the workload?”
Maybe they’ll say: “oh no. I didn’t mean to say that. I was just complaining about how much work there is to do.”

Obviously, you need to openly yet, tactfully confront someone who is calling you names or putting you down. You need to stand up for yourself. But, you don’t have to blow-up at them. When you blow-up people will think less of you.
You can say, “there is no cause to call me names. I find that disrespectful.” Most of the time, the person will apologize.

As far as your girlfriend is concerned – I think there are some underlying issues between you. Maybe you don’t feel respected and heard, and maybe she is worried about your commitment and love.

You may consider getting counseling. Often- just gaining an understanding of anger and learning better communication skills and how to avoid triggers can really be the key. God bless!

© copyright 2021 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-V and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Worry Turned into Anger….

Posted on May 1, 2023 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Question: Hi, I’ve always had somewhat of a nasty temper. Over the years I thought I had controlled it. Mostly due to hanging with someone who had a horrible temper too, so in order to be not like him I calmed myself. Well at times when I worry about people, I get annoyed and soon I am very angry.Today was a very bad day.My friend’s family needed some help cleaning their house so my friend came down and tried to get me to help. We did and then he stayed the night. We woke the next day at 8:30AM and worked and cleaned all day. The whole day turned out bad because there was nothing but fighting and arguing between my friend and his siblings – one who just recently got out of Prison.

My Mom got involved to the point of threatening the siblings. I felt panicky but by the time I returned home I was furious. I got so mad cause she was calling my friend’s family all sorts of names. I got ticked off and kicked my pop into a candle and into my Mom’s drink.

Then I got upstairs and realized what I did. I.. I always lecture my friend about his temper but mine may be worse. I.. I need to get rid of this anger or at least not do anything like that. Help? Signed: Troubled

Answer:

It’s typical for people to turn worry and fear into anger. Anger feels better than fear. When we’re angry – we think we have some control. Fear causes us to feel out-of-control and vulnerable.

That’s why it’s so important to deal with the real emotion behind anger.
Here are some steps to take when you first recognize you are fearful or annoyed

1. Ask yourself: What is this all about? What is going on? You may not be able to think this through immediately so,

2. Take a break (time-out) to cool-down. You need to work through the physiological effects of anger.

3. Then, ask yourself: What is it that I need? What would help me achieve my personal goals in a healthy way?

4. Express your feelings after you and the other person have cooled down. Say: “Mom, I’m upset that you threatened my friend’s family. That was unnecessary and harmful. I’m asking that you don’t do this again. In fact, I want you to apologize for your actions.”

Your Mom may not heed your request but, you need to get your feelings out and call her into account. What she did was wrong.

But, the important issue is that you get control of your anger. If you can begin to:
-identify your triggers,
-explore and recognize the emotions and issues underlying your anger, and
-express your feelings and thoughts in appropriate ways – you will get further down the road to managing your anger and overcoming your fears.

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, CAMS-V, Supervisor, Consultant with NAMA; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
Anger Management Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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Anger at Work….

Posted on April 1, 2023 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

This gallery contains 1 photo.

I don’t really know where to begin… I’m 22. I work at a daycare, and each day I take care of between 6-10 children from age of 7 mo. – 1 year 4 mo. It is stressful. The kids cry … Continue reading →

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Pent-Up Anger…

Posted on January 4, 2023 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Question:
When we talk about anger, I always remember a few situations, and wonder – did I do wrong or good? In every situation, I am trying to stay calm and after that what happens with the anger? I think it is somewhere deep in side of me, and there must be some valve for all my anger. How will that impact my life?

Answer:
Dear Friend, Maybe you are really asking: Has my anger and response to provoking situations been helpful? What happens to the anger when I don’t express it? How does it affect my life?

Pent-up Anger: It sounds like you try to remain calm which is helpful in containing conflict and angry outbursts – but, your anger remains hidden. Hidden anger can grow and result in bitterness and depression or eventually there may be an outburst of anger over something small because you have been holding it in.
Is it good to keep your anger unexpressed? I don’t believe so.

Anger Expressed: I think anger is meant to be expressed in healthy ways through assertive communication and problem-solving. If you can’t talk with the person directly who you are angry with – then, it is helpful to express your anger to a confidante or counselor. You can explore ways to express it directly or decide to let it go.

Ultimately, when you don’t express anger – you will be affected by it. Anger is an emotion which results from feelings of fear, frustration, hurt and loss of control. The emotional valve within will explode when these feelings are not dealt with. You need to make changes so you can deal with your emotions and the issues. Working through anger using healthy coping skills will bring a sense of peace and confidence to your life.

Order the book: What’s Good About Anger? to learn more about these skills and how faith can help defuse your anger.

© copyright 2023 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection and National Certified Counselor. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations. She is a Certified Anger Management Specialist-V, Diplomate, Consultant, Trainer with the National Anger Management Association.

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Dealing with Anger & Guilt as a Christian

Posted on November 3, 2022 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

It seems that anger has gotten a bad rap in the Christian community. Most Christians have difficulty expressing anger and frustration without feeling guilty and preachers connote anger with sin. We know that anger was expressed in the Bible by godly men such as Nehemiah (in Neh. 5:6-7}when he felt very angry over the injustices occurring at the time to his countrymen. He takes on the problem in a very confrontive manner. Paul angrily confronts Peter in Galatians accusing him of “not keeping in line with gospel” (Gal. 2:11**read below). In John 2:12-17 Jesus reacts in anger towards those who are selling goods in His Father’s house – by throwing over the tables and using a whip to chase out animals.

So, why is it that good and righteous anger is not acceptable amongst Christians when there are numerous examples of God and his people becoming angry in the Bible? Maybe it’s because as Christians we are prone to sin and it’s hard to decifer whether anger is appropriate or inappropriate.

Paul writes in Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry, but, don’t sin… don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” There are some principles we can glean from this and other verses for “being good and angry“.

1. Be angry. This verse says that there is a place for anger in the life of a Christian. Obviously, that anger must be under God’s control in order for it to be “good” or “righteous” anger. Rom. 1:17 says, “the righteous shall walk by faith”. Therefore, we can conclude that any display of anger that emanates from our sinful nature and is not faith controlled will be expressed wrongly.

2. Don’t sin. What does sinful anger look like? Fits of rage. Yelling and outbursts. Slanderous remarks. Demeaning, disrespectful put-downs. Verbal abuse. Character assassinations. Threatening or harrassing behavior. Anytime you harm someone or destroy their property, etc., etc., etc.
Here’s what anger without sin should look like: respectful, courteous, caring, forthright, open, honest, tactful, compassionate, safe, non-threatening, empathic, etc.

3. Don’t pout and ruminate on your anger: Resentment will build and anger will escalate when we continue to give anger room to grow in our lives. The Bible says, “forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.” (Col. 3:13) There are no qualifications or “ifs” about forgiveness. We have to forgive our enemies. We are told to forgive anyone who has offended us. It’s hard. It’s not easy to forgive and it doesn’t mean we allow people to continue to abuse or manipulate us. But, we can’t hold on to anger. Anger will keep us from moving forward, ruin our lives and relationships.So, how can you feel ok about anger and not feel guilty after getting angry? Sometimes, it’s false guilt. Other times, the guilt is a good measure of anger mismanagement and over-reaction to anger. How can you determine whether your guilt is true or false?

Here is a questionnaire you could complete after any incidents in which you felt angry:

1. Describe the situation which occurred.What was the issue?

2. How did I respond?
Did I talk harshly___, loudly___, disrespectfully___, critically___, in a threatening___ or judgmental way___? Did I make character assassinations?___

3. Was my response measured,___ respectful___, tactful___, honest___? Did I keep to the issue described in question one? ___
I listened___
I paraphrased what was said to me___
I demonstrated empathy (put myself in the other person’s shoes)___
I stated my feelings in a calm manner along with the facts___

4. What could I have done differently?How could I have responded in a healthier manner?
Used more tact___
Been more respectful___
Kept the tone of my voice down___
Listened more___
Summarized what was said to me___
Showed more empathy___
Stated my feelings firmly but calmly___

Measuring whether your guilt is true or false:
In order to determine whether you did something right or wrong – score your questionnaire this way:
1. If you checked anything in question 2 or 4 – your guilt is probably right-on. You most likely should apologize. 2. If you didn’t check anything in question 2 or 4 but, checked many of the items in question 3 – your guilt is most likely false. Ultimately, for the Christian – God is the real judge of whether your guilt is true or false. Pray about the situation and ask the Lord to convict you if you have offended someone and should apologize.If you haven’t done anything wrong and your conscience is clear – don’t apologize but, stay humble. Take responsibility for your actions and let the other person take responsibility for theirs. If the other person says you were harsh or loud – you can apologize that your behavior offended them and that you didn’t mean to offend them.

Learn some anger management skills to help you cope with these situations.
Listen to the podcast:

Is Anger Always Sinful?
Most religious people believe anger is wrong. Many don’t act on their anger when injustice is taking place. Learn what it means to ‘be angry and not sin’.
Click to listen

And anther helpful podcast: Talk-Out Your Anger!
“Most people tend to hold anger in or explode. Some use manipulation. Learn some no-guilt techniques to assertively express your anger and get your needs met without squashing others.”

See www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com for FAQs, Quick Tips for Managing Anger Podcasts, services and resources.

**Gal 2:11-16 When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. 12 Before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. 13 The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray. 14 When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter in front of them all, “You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs? 15 “We who are Jews by birth and not ‘Gentile sinners’ 16 know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by observing the law, because by observing the law no one will be justified. NIV Gal 2:11 But when Peter came to Antioch I had to oppose him publicly, speaking strongly against what he was doing, for it was very wrong. TLB Gal 2:11 But when Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him in public, because he was clearly wrong. TEV Gal 2:11 But when Cephas (Peter) came to Antioch, I protested and opposed him to his face [concerning his conduct there], for he was blameable and stood condemned. AMP_____________________________________________________________
© copyright 2022 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
What’s Good About Anger podcasts, blog, resources

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Blind Rage…

Posted on September 1, 2022 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Question:
Hi, I haven’t been mad in a long time. I got my anger in control, until last night.
My spouse withheld information, I being a survivor, felt completely manipulated.
Is there such a thing as blind rage. Because I remember very little after 5pm lastnight. I dont remember going to bed, nothing.
I was mad when I woke up this morning, but I am scared I might of did something I should not have. I fight fair. My spouse does not. He says I am crazy, insane, my best friend lives out of state, so he tells me I have no friends, I am a loser.
I have never went out of control, from anger and this scares me.
Can you really black out with anger?? I guess you can? I dont do drugs or drink alcohol, so that is not in the equation.
Help me please understand what happened and how I can never do that again. I am scared and alone.
Blind Rage, that is all I can think. Please help me figure this out. I really need help. Anonymous

Answer:
“Blind Rage”… hummm… good way to describe the gut, physiological response produced by the emotional center of the brain (amygdala) when it is not kept in check by the frontal cortex of the brain. Hate to be so clinical – but, I think that’s the result when you respond to anger triggers without any intervention by the thinking/judgment part of the brain.

Yes. The response could also have to do with a “throw-back” to the past when you were abused and mistreated. All those memories and feelings return with full-force. But, since he is verbal abuser – your feelings of helplessness and shame from the put-downs came to the surface. These are just some random thoughts. More importantly, blind rage can be controlled. And you need to talk and work more with your psychologist about this so it doesn’t happen again. Listen to the Road Rage Tirade! and Road Rage Remedy podcasts to gain more insight into how to retrain your brain for better control over anger! Read the blog post on Controlling Anger and Rage for more help.

By the way – you need to protect yourself from your husband’s verbal abuse. Verbal abuse on this scale will generally escalate into physical or sexual abuse. Verbal abuse will cause you much psychological and emotional trauma.

There is no excuse for abuse! Visit http://www.saferelationships.net/ for domestic abuse resources!
_________________
© copyright 2022 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
Certified Anger Management Specialist-V with the National Anger Management Association; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
Anger Management Institute site, podcasts and resources

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Managing Conflict in Relationships

Posted on July 1, 2022 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Listen to the most recent Quick Tips for Managing Anger Podcast – Say No to Angry Clashes:
Do you have problems with relationship conflicts? Do you often find yourself clamming up or fuming because people who disagree with you are disagreeable?
Learn how to be assertively tactful yet direct about your needs and viewpoints. These skills will help you effectively work through conflict and manage your anger in relationships!
Click to listen