Question: I have a depressed feeling for years now. It started when I was young around 6. My dad left my mom to live with someone I have hated. My brother who is 3 years older than me kept bullying me for years always after school for a long time and he really got me sad everytime he did. My mother didn’t do anything at all about it even though my brother kept ramming me in the ground and did a number on my self esteem. When I was 12 years old at a new school – I was not fat but just a litle overweight. People could smell my low self esteem so they used it against me and started bullying me blowing my self esteem up even more. Now, I hate my fathers wife so much I almost never go to his house anymore. The reason I hate her is because since my dad lives with her he doesn’t seem to beleive me and trust me anymore and she is always being negative towards me. Because of all this I feel like I’m the lowest of the lowest – uglier then ugly – believing everything people say bad about me right away. I always did go on holidays with my dad and my sisters but his wife doesn’t want me to go with them anymore either. Now 2 years ago I let my addictions loose, not believing myself etc. started to hate them all so I lost respect for life and watch loads of vids fantasizing about killing and torturing people. I got a new haircut i trained lots of muscles and because being good never worked out for me I became what I hated some unkind bully. I got muscles and good grades in school. Now my brother moved out of the house I have a few friends but I still feel depressed and can’t lose this anger. Ii hate them all amd want to become a psycho serial killer. Being a good person gave me nothing good – just bad luck.I’m great at hiding emotions. I look really happy now that I’m 18 at a new school etc but I get angrier and angrier and cant stop it. I’m afraid I will kill someone soon if I cant let my anger go somehow. Please help.
Answer:
Dear Friend, please get help for your depression, rage, thoughts of violence and very low self-esteem. Professional counseling can help you get a new perspective on your life and your value as a person.
You are a human being with dignity. No one can take that away from you. But, you have to believe that.
Stop watching those videos! Violent videos will incite you to become violent!
You can learn anger management skills which will help you change the distorted thinking that has come from being bullied and abused. Bullying and verbal abuse will leave scars but, the way people treat you does not and should not have an impact on you and your worth as a person. Anger management skills will teach you to think through issues and communicate your needs in a healthy way.
Anger management and professional counseling can help you change the distorted thinking that has come from being bullied and abused. Bullying and verbal abuse will leave scars but, the way people treat you does not and should not have an impact on you and your worth as a person. Anger management skills will teach you to think through issues and communicate your needs in a healthy way.which will help you change the distorted thinking that has come from being bullied and abused. Bullying and verbal abuse will leave scars but, the way people treat you does not and should not have an impact on you and your worth as a person. Anger management skills will teach you to think through issues and communicate your needs in a healthy way.Counseling will help you change the distorted thinking that has come from being bullied and abused. Bullying and verbal abuse will leave scars but, the way people treat you does not and should not have an impact on you and your worth as a person. Anger management skills will teach you to think through issues and communicate your needs in a healthy way.
The real problem is that you see everyone who disappoints or crosses you as you see your step-mother and brother who bullied you.
Until you let that go and forgive – yes- forgive – you will see everyone as an enemy – not to be trusted. You can forgive once you see that it’s in your best interests to forgive. The hatred and bitterness is eating you up and destroying other potentially healthy relationships. Forgiveness doesn’t mean there are no consequences. Forgiveness will set you free from the past and help you achieve your goals in life.
Working through it means:
1. Counseling and a physical exam. You need help to work through the depression and abuse you have endured. See www.nbcc.org for a directory of professionals or if you are in school – see the school counselor/social worker. Get a physical exam from your family doctor and describe the feelings you are having. Your depression is significant and you may need an anti-depressant to help increase the neuro-chemicals which are depleted.
2. Self-esteem: Read a good book like Search for Significance by Robert McGee. Begin believing in yourself and the fact that you are a person with gifts, talents and abilities put on earth for a purpose.
3. Forgiveness: Resentment is a part of the depression along with your sense of worthlessness and hurt/pain over the psychological and emotional harm which has resulted from your past.
You can’t just “get over it”. You have to do the hard work of working through it. You may need to assertively confront your step-mother and brother at some point. You will need to be ready and may need the help of a mediator so you don’t harm them. Read about forgiveness.
4. Anger Management Skills will help you deal effectively with conflict, deescalate feelings of anger and hatred, grow in emotional intelligence skills: managing yourself and your emotions well, motivating yourself to achieve goals, empathizing with others, developing healthy relationships, etc.
What will you get out of this? You can grow as a person as you learn healthy ways to deal with anger and healthy ways to develop satisfying relationships.
You can break the cycle of bitterness, negative thinking, shame, depression, and thoughts of violence. But, only you can do this. No one can do it for you. Take responsibility for what you can do to change.
When you let the past and the hurtful people in the past control your thinking, your life and view of yourself – you are imprisoned. Get out of the prison. Get on with your life. It will take time but, you can do it.
Lastly, consider how God and faith can help you. These are days of crisis and trouble – you need supernatural help for living and God’s help to overcome the violent thinking and manage your anger. Read about faith at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/faith.asp
_________________
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, AAAMP; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources