Anger Management Institute Blog

Question:
I do not live with my lover. He has repeatedly angered me but I was always able to forgive him because I felt sorry for him. He has mistaken my kindness for weakness. As far as I’m concerned this relationship is over. I’m not going to go into too many details but I’ve helped him with money, cigarettes and given him a place to stay when he was looking for a job. He is unable to keep a job for very long because when he gets paid he blows it on heavy drinking and sometimes he is unable to get up and go to work. When everyone has continually told me to forget him, I didn’t listen because I thought with my encouragement he would see the light and realize with me he had a very good friend. I loaned him a clock radio because he asked me for it. It is not an ordinary clock radio. It has sentimental value to me because it belonged to my sister-in-law who has passed away. I found out that he was drinking heavily in the neighborhood bars and I thought he should return the radio because he could buy a “cheap clock” to make sure he gets up for work. He has not answered any of my calls. I have finally realized that I can’t help him and it’s only a matter of time before he loses this job too. The relationship is over (there is no doubt about that)but I would like to know how I can put this horrible anger I feel about him aside. I am unable to sleep and I want to get on with my life. Are there any affirmations, or any real helps out there for me. Thanks for any and all help.

Answer:
Dear Friend, thanks so much for writing. You have a right to be angry. I’m glad to know that you have distanced yourself from him. This man has taken advantage of your kind acts and generosity. His drinking takes precedent over any relationship/person in his life. But, that does not excuse his hurtful behavior.
Bring closure: I suggest that you write a letter to him. Cover the following points:
1. What happened between you that caused you to feel hurt and angry.
2. How his actions affected you.
3. What he could do now to bring about a good closure to the relationship. You might make a request like: “return the clock radio to me”.
Typically, people who are involved with someone who is a substance abuser feel manipulated and used. An alooholic only knows how to relate to alcohol and uses people to get alcohol. The helper becomes “codependent” meaning – your life revolves around the alocholic and his/her behavior. There is no healthy interchange or give-and-take. The alcoholic takes and you give. Obviously, getting involved like this will cause you to feel used and feel angry.
Setting boundaries like you are is very important. But, writing a letter could help you feel better because you can express your feelings though he may not respond at all. If he does respond positively – don’t believe he is sincere. He has a lot to do to prove he has changed. Read about Codependency and Setting Boundaries and The Power of Forgiveness. God bless!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Question:
I’ll try to make this relatively long story short…My boyfriend (31)drinks…a LOT. He gets angry toward me (35) about RIDICULOUS things when he drinks. Finally I told him yesterday morning that until he does SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get control of his drinking and his anger, we are roommates, that’s it. He said he thought about it all day and he will do it. I told him…buy a book, get online, go to therapy, I don’t care, anything, I just need to see you trying! Again, he said he will. So here is my question…What now? I don’t know if I should ask him if he did anything yet for fear of pushing too hard, let him do it on his own time or what?
Example: Last night he asked what I wanted for dinner. It ws easy last night because I was totally not hungry so I said nothing, you go ahead and have something yourself, which he did. But when dinner rolls around tonight, do I make dinner for both of us? eat by myself? When he needs to borrow my truck to haul something for work, do I tell him no? I want him to understand what it will be like if he loses me, but what I’m afraid of is that BEFORE he starts to get help, he will get angry and leave! I think he will get it fairly quickly once he starts reading, talking to people etc. but until then, what do I do? How do I act? It hurts me so much because I love him so much and I want to stay with him!

Answer:
The number one problem is that your partner is drinking. If he doesn’t stop drinking and get help for his abuse or addiction of alcohol – then, expecting him to change will be a lost cause.
You must first take care of yourself. Don’t expect that changing your behavior towards him will motivate him.
Since his anger is out of control – you need to move out to protect yourself from further abuse and angry outbursts. This move will wake him up to the fact that you are serious about expecting him to change – enough to break off the relationship. Women tend to cave-in and take a wait-and-see attitude. This will not work with a drinker. You must be firm and set boundaries. “until you are regularly going to AA; controlling your anger and working through issues with me in a calm manner – I will not consider rebuilding the relationship.”
I suggest that you do not move back in with him until he has changed and wants to marry you. He needs to demonstrate his whole-hearted commitment to change and to you.
Purchase the book: What’s Good About Anger? so you can learn how to be more assertive. God bless!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Question:
I don’t know much about this forum, but maybe someone can help me understand what’s wrong with me. Tonight my mother came into the basement (where my brother and I sleep), we have our home theatre setup down there. Since there are no bedrooms in the basement my brother and I usually lay a few matresses down in front of the tv and watch tv before we sleep. (He’s on school vacation, I’m 21 just quit my last job, looking for another). She came down with the intent to watch a movie – it was about 11:00pm, and since we’re of east asian decent, she wanted to watch an east indian movie – which are 3 hours long!
Anyway, I was annoyed, because I was already laying in bed, and may have sounded frustrated when I said – “come on mom – your movies 3 hours long! can’t you watch it tomorrow?” She got upset, so I was just got up and said – “fine, i’ll just go upstairs” (possibly with some attitude) and i picked up my laptop, and started walking away…she stomped her way behind me after throwing the dvd across the room…. I went straight to the family room – where I sat down, and started using the laptop, and she went upstairs to her room. Anyway, she came back down to the family in about 5 minutes and was yelling at me, saying – “are you happy now, you hurt your mom, blah blah blah blah” and I mean literally yelling in my face about nonesense, when I had gotten up and left the area where she wanted to watch the movie. I understand I didn’t walk away happy, but I *THINK* it was okay to feel frustrated. For some reason, I lost it right there as she was yelling – I was about to throw my laptop, but I didn’t, I kind of collected myself and set it down, and I got up in her direction and asked her – “what did i do?” in a angry yelling voice – “did you want me to prance up all happy?” “what did you want me to do, why are you telling me all of this stuff, why are you yelling at me in the middle of the night”. All in a very angry upset yelling tone of voice (matching her tone). I was raging – I know it…I start seeing black, not clearly at all, my fists are clenched, and at that point I need to release the anger and it’s normally through those fists when it gets to that point. I hit the wall, and put a hole in it. I feel horrible instantly about what I did, and try to walk away, but my mom is just continuing to yell – I don’t know what to do at this point so I sit down on the couch, close my eyes, and try to ignore everything shes saying – and everything my dad is now saying (who joined us after he heard).
I look back at the reasons why the “fight” broke out, and I can’t help but feel STUPID, because there is NO reason it should’ve got that far. Yet somehow it does…I know my parents don’t make it easier for me to get over my problem because they almost feed the anger into me with the things they say when they get angry.
I hate myself for the way I am when the anger comes over me, and I sit back and wish I would’ve just never have gotten frustrated with her wanting to watch a movie, but alas….tonight was unavoidable. Maybe some of you can help diagnose what I’m feeling, or what kind of rage I’m experiencing. It’s quite scary when I reach that point, I’m literally blinded, and even though I’ve come to a point where I can try to control it, it still gets out of hand sometimes. Tonight it was a wall, but what scares me is, what if it’s something else next time? After the anger/adrenaline calm down – I get a massive headache, and self loathe over what I did/said.
Signed, Anonymous

Answer:
Dear Friend, thanks for posting. It’s normal for you to feel frustrated and angry at your Mother for imposing her demands on you at an unreasonable time of night. And you already know it’s unhealthy to explode and put your fists through walls because that reaction doesn’ t resolve the situation and causes you to feel guilty and depressed. The kind of anger you are experiencing is what I call “blinding/uncontrollable anger”. You get to a certain point in an angry situation where you no longer are thinking straight and feel the need to express the rage built up inside of you. Anger has a physiological basis – early intervention is needed to prevent escalation. Anger is still a choice though!

Prevention:
We have found that it is important to have a strategy prior to triggering events in order to prevent an angry outburst. Why not sit down with your parents and talk about setting some boundaries and make some reasonable requests to prevent this conflict in the future? Boundaries need to be set such as:
1. No watching tv after midnight unless we all agree to it.
2. Please request permission to watch a different program (this applies to everyone)
3. Plan for some times of privacy. You should request certain times when you will have use of the family room or the basement alone.

Part of the issue is that you quit your job and are not able to live alone and support yourself. This makes you dependent on your parents and obligated to them. It’s hard to be independent and have freedom of choice about the way you want to live when you are still living with your parents. It’s hard for them to stop parenting when you are still dependent on them.
The best scenario is to move out as soon as you can.

Make a Plan:
But, if this situation happens again and your parents won’t respect your requests – take your laptop and go to the family room and don’t fight with them. Once anger raises it’s ugly head – it’s hard to control it. You can control yourself though. If you respectfully leave the situation/room and your parents follow you- yelling at you. You can leave the house because no good will come from trying to resolve an issue when people are fired up with anger!
See the What’s Good About Anger? Institute for resources and articles to help you manage your anger! God bless!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Goal: to learn new coping skills to better manage stress and decrease anger.
Revitalize and Renew yourself!
What are you looking forward to doing in your life? Maybe you answered, “not much!” That will cause a sense of hopelessness about your life. So, you need to take a look at your life to see how you can get revitalized.
Do you have some activities which inspire you such as going to church, or being involved in a support group or doing something which is meaningful or creative? Reading your Bible will inspire you. Start by reading the New Testament Gospels. Getting closer to God through prayer and fellowship in a local, healthy church which teaches the Bible and that Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior will revitalize your life! Jesus said, “I am the vine, you are the branches; he who lives in Me, and I in him will bear much fruit. Apart from Me you can do nothing.” John 15:5
Growing in a relationship with Him will bring new hope, energy and perspective into your life.

Beginning a new goal such as a class or a hobby or sport will revitalize you. What did you do in the past which you wish you could do now? Ride your bike? Go fishing? Take an art class? Go hiking or canoeing? These kinds of activities will refresh you! You will notice the world around you and begin to love life again!

Examine your personal pace of life with the following Stress Buster Project. See what you might need to change. Simplify your life by starting to do and be what God made you to be. You will begin to feel more hopeful, more peaceful and encouraged as you renew your soul and spirit.

It’s time to plan something you can look forward to. A vacation. A day when someone else takes care of the kids. A regular outing each week to the health club, YMCA, a Bible study, time at the library or a class. Begin to put aside time so that you can be renewed on a regular basis and have something you look forward to.
Learn to be Assertive: When you are passive, you will feel stressed and angry. why? Because you feel like you are trapped and have no choices about your life. If you lash out when you are angry – you will feel guilty and harm your relationships.
Read the article on assertiveness.
Begin to change your communication and express your opinions. When you don’t tell others how you feel or when you explode, you will feel more anger, stressed out and depressed about yourself and life. Simple modifications in posture, habits, thought, and behavior often go a long way toward reducing feelings of stress and tension. Here are eight simple things you can do immediately to help keep your stress level under control.
1. Watch for the next instance in which you find yourself becoming annoyed or angry at something trivial or unimportant, then practice letting go – make a conscious choice not to become angry or upset. Do not allow yourself to waste thought and energy where it isn’t deserved. Effective anger management is a tried-and-true stress reducer.
2. Breathe slowly and deeply. Before reacting to the next stressful occurrence, take three deep breaths and release them slowly. If you have a few minutes, try relaxing with music or reading the Psalms or prayer.
3. Whenever you feel overwhelmed by stress , practice speaking more slowly than usual. You’ll find that you think more clearly and react more reasonably to stressful situations. Stressed people tend to speak fast and breathlessly; by slowing down your speech you’ll also appear less anxious and more in control of any situation.
4. Jump start an effective time management strategy. Choose one simple thing you have been putting off (e.g. returning a phone call, making a doctor’s appointment) and do it immediately. Just taking care of one nagging responsibility can be energizing and can improve your attitude.
5. Get outdoors for a brief break. Our grandparents were right about the healing power of fresh air. Don’t be deterred by foul weather or a full schedule. Even five minutes on a balcony or terrace can be rejuvenating.
6. Drink plenty of water and eat small, nutritious snacks. Hunger and dehydration, even before you’re aware of them, can provoke aggressiveness and exacerbate feelings of anxiety and stress.
7. Do a quick posture check. Hold your head and shoulders upright and avoid stooping or slumping. Bad posture can lead to muscle tension, pain, and increased stress. If you’re stuck at a desk most of the day, avoid repetitive strain injuries and sore muscles by making sure your workstation reflects good ergonomic design principles. 8. Plan something rewarding for the end of your stressful day, even if only a relaxing bath or half an hour with a good book. Put aside work, housekeeping or family concerns for a brief period before bedtime and allow yourself to fully relax. Don’t spend this time planning tomorrow’s schedule or doing chores you didn’t get around to during the day. Remember that you need time to recharge and energize yourself – you’ll be much better prepared to face another stressful day.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Question:
hi, i have problems when dealing with my anger when i’m being provoked. in normal situations i can control my anger, but when someone provokes me i go mental and lash out. i doesn’t happen often, well, i guess maybe once every second week. bur i get really destructive. i really do try to suppress my anger, but after a while i lose it. i know it is not entirely my fault because i’m being provoked, but it is still MY responsibility not to react on these provocations. can somebody please, please help me with what i can do? it’s not so much the therapy because i’ve signed up for therapy but i would like to come in contact with other people who has got the same issue. is there any forums on the internet? any specific website? i’m not from the US neither do i live there so i can’t attend any real-life meetings. i would be really greatul for any suggestions. sincerely, mojogirl

Answer:
Dear Mojogirl,
I wonder what the difference is between the “normal situations” and the times you feel you are “being provoked”? It’s interesting that you have control in normal situations. I suspect that there is something triggering or provoking your anger in the “normal” but, that the issues or other person’s behavior is less serious or threatening.

Evaluate your present skills: I suggest you log the situations in which you are able to control your anger and which skills or self-talk you are using during those times. Maybe you can just shrug off some irritating situations by telling yourself:
“Wait a minute. This issue isn’t very important or can be solved later.” or “That person is having a bad day and is just irritable. Don’t take it personally.” or “I have other priorities now. I can’t waste my time on this.”
Or maybe you are more assertive when small issues come up and are able to respond by stating your feelings of disappointment and request change.

Anger is a choice. Anger is an emotion emanating from our fears, frustration, disappointments, hurts because of outside threats, insults, blocked goals and/or cognitive distortions, low self-esteem, expectations, hot self-talk, etc.

No one can make you angry. In fact, you should allow no one to have that much control over you and your feelings. You can work through anger and conflict with good skills and the help of God.

Read more about anger, assertiveness and order some very helpful resources at: Amer. Assoc. of Anger Management Providers and What’s Good About Anger? Institute.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Question:
I have a serious problem and it is starting to affect my personal life. Children, wife, etc…. Let me be clear, I HAVE NEVER HIT OR WOULD EVER HIT MY CHILDREN OR MY WIFE. The problem is not them, it is me and my view of the world. I cannot stand ANYONE other than my family members. I wish everyone would die and stop acting like total idiots. I cannot watch the news or read the paper without getting unbelieviably upset. My wife has had it with my outbursts and I think I have to, but I don’t know where to start in fixing this. Will a psychologist work? I don’t know. I think most of them are full of bull. Need help, what do you think I should do?

Answer: It sounds to me like you have deeper problems underneath your anger. Might I suggest that your anger is a reaction due to fear and lack of trust. This fear, distrust and anger may have begun with some very bad experiences with outsiders when you were a child. The concern I have is that you may be manifesting paranoia. This symptom is manifested in depression and anxiety disorders (as well as other mental health disorders). I would suggest that you see a psychologist or counselor for an evaluation and counseling.

What’s Underneath the Anger?
I would also suggest you take an anger management course/class since the skills will help you gain some control over your out-of-control reactions to people and situations.
You need to explore what is causing the strong outbursts. You don’t want your marriage to be ruined by harmful anger. Most likely, you are struggling with some cognitive diwtortions such as “catastrophizing” – which causes you to respond in unhealthy ways to anger. Catastrophizing is when you tell yourself some event or person’s behavior is worse than it really is.
I suggest you begin to log your anger and the situations to discover what is causing the over-reaction. Ask yourself:
1. What really happened? What did the person do? How did he/she put me off in behavior or communication?
2. What was I thinking that might have contributed to my over-reaction? Did I expect too much from the person or read into what he/she said? Did I label or misjudge the person?
3. How did I respond? Did I communicate my needs or requests clearly in a healthy and respectful way?

We all need to challenge our thinking and see if we have misjudged the situation or person.

On the other hand, when you have a right to be angry you can learn one of the most important ways to express your anger – assertively vs. demandingly or aggressively. Read about Assertiveness and order some of the resources from: the What’s Good About Anger? Institute.
God bless you as you learn how to better manage your anger!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Question:
What can I do to manage my anger when someone is trying to provoke me? I am dealing with a woman who won’t listen, is disrespectful, unreasonable and demanding. It’s driving me crazy!

Answer:
That woman wants to make you mad and is looking for a fight. If you show you are angry – or that you can’t control your anger – she’s achieved her goal of controlling your emotions and life. Making you angry – makes her feel powerful and could make you look like a fool if you’re not careful.
What are the principles you need to consider when dealing with a crazy-maker?
1. Don’t play their game. Understand who you are dealing with.
2. Keep your cool.
3. Keep to the issue. Don’t get side-tracked.
4. Repeat your requests or the facts.
5. State the bottom-line and don’t move off of it.

Crazy-makers are happy if they can make you crazy with them, get you all wired-up and throw everything but, the kitchen sink at you.
You have a choice about how you respond or deal with a crazy-maker. Either they are not in touch with reality or they are consumed with their lives and don’t care about others.
Don’t go crazy with them. You might need to walk away if they can’t listen and respect you, deal fairly with the facts and your opinion. Consider applying what Jesus said in these relationships, “be wise as serpents yet, gentle as doves.”

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.