I have a serious problem and it is starting to affect my personal life. Children, wife, etc…. Let me be clear, I HAVE NEVER HIT OR WOULD EVER HIT MY CHILDREN OR MY WIFE. The problem is not them, it is me and my view of the world. I cannot stand ANYONE other than my family members. I wish everyone would die and stop acting like total idiots. I cannot watch the news or read the paper without getting unbelieviably upset. My wife has had it with my outbursts and I think I have to, but I don’t know where to start in fixing this. Will a psychologist work? I don’t know. I think most of them are full of bull. Need help, what do you think I should do?
Answer: It sounds to me like you have deeper problems underneath your anger. Might I suggest that your anger is a reaction due to fear and lack of trust. This fear, distrust and anger may have begun with some very bad experiences with outsiders when you were a child. The concern I have is that you may be manifesting paranoia. This symptom is manifested in depression and anxiety disorders (as well as other mental health disorders). I would suggest that you see a psychologist or counselor for an evaluation and counseling.
What’s Underneath the Anger?
I would also suggest you take an anger management course/class since the skills will help you gain some control over your out-of-control reactions to people and situations.
You need to explore what is causing the strong outbursts. You don’t want your marriage to be ruined by harmful anger. Most likely, you are struggling with some cognitive diwtortions such as “catastrophizing” – which causes you to respond in unhealthy ways to anger. Catastrophizing is when you tell yourself some event or person’s behavior is worse than it really is.
I suggest you begin to log your anger and the situations to discover what is causing the over-reaction. Ask yourself:
1. What really happened? What did the person do? How did he/she put me off in behavior or communication?
2. What was I thinking that might have contributed to my over-reaction? Did I expect too much from the person or read into what he/she said? Did I label or misjudge the person?
3. How did I respond? Did I communicate my needs or requests clearly in a healthy and respectful way?
We all need to challenge our thinking and see if we have misjudged the situation or person.
On the other hand, when you have a right to be angry you can learn one of the most important ways to express your anger – assertively vs. demandingly or aggressively. Read about Assertiveness and order some of the resources from: the What’s Good About Anger? Institute.
God bless you as you learn how to better manage your anger!
© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.