Vulgar Anger

Posted on October 1, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question: Pray for me
I am a 42 year old single man, professional, yet lonely. I cannot keep a healthy relationship with a female companion because I have a drinking problem. I consider myself a social alcoholic. I don’t drink everyday, but when I do I binge. What happens is a change my demeanor completely. I change from a easy going guy to a hateful, vulgar person who only hurts those that love me. My girlfriend of six months broke-up with me this last week. I did the most stupidest thing after having four drinks. I left her three disgustingly demeaning and vulgar voice-mails. Instead of respecting her and giving her time to think about us I burned the bridges that linked her to me.
For this and score of other incidences with other woman who truly cared for me and I have sabotaged relationships with I am truly, whole heartedly sorry.
Brother, I have knelt and prayed to my Lord and savior Jesus and asked for him forgiveness, for guidance and wisdom.
I need prayer. Please, pray for me. I too have started praying everyday and studying the scriptures. I am not ignorant in the ways of Christianity.I was raised in an Evangelical home, but was never faithful. Two nights ago when I full of despair I asked Jesus into my heart. Pray for me so I may stopped drinking and stop my verbally abusing the ones I love.

Answer: Dear Friend,
Thank you for writing. You have begun the process of moving through 3 of the 12 steps:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Continue to move forward: Your work is not done. You must come to realize that you cannot drink anymore. You must stop drinking completely or you will continue to be alone and abuse your relationships.
Jesus Christ can change your life – but, only if you turn it over daily to His control. That will mean getting rid of all rage, anger, brawling, malice, abusiveness, drunkenness and instead being filled with the Holy Spirit as these verses command:
Eph 4:30-32
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. NIV

Eph 5:3-20
“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person-such a man is an idolater-has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.
8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14 for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:

“Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”

15 Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19 Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” NIV

Supernatural Power for Change: Your only hope for change is in Christ and in doing whatever it takes to stop drinking. You can’t do it without the power of Christ and without the commitment to change.
Make a plan. Begin to attend AA and Celebrate Recovery groups and an evangelical church in your area. Read: Addictions – What is the Cure?
You may think you can do this alone or that just you and the Lord can overcome the alcoholism – but, you will be wrong and you will fail. You need the support and guidance of tested and tried groups. You may need counseling. Your addiction has seriously impaired you and your relationships.
Admit the Truth: I will pray for you that you admit that you have more than a drinking problem – that you are an alcoholic because when you drink you binge. I will pray that you never stop realizing and surrendering your life to the control of Christ. I will pray that you have the courage to admit that you will go further than asking God for forgiveness and that you will make amends with those you have harmed. I will pray that you will stop and make a 180 degree turn in your life and never go back to drinking or to the bar scene. I will pray that you will recognize the harm and destruction drinking has caused in your life and the life of others. I will pray that you see that God has a plan for your life and can use you greatly if you continue to follow Christ versus the bottle. Resources: Get the books: The Purpose-Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For?: by Rick Warren and What’s Good About Anger? by Griffin and Hoy.
Read the articles and resources on: The National Association for Christian recovery and Christians in Recovery – Help and Support Group
God bless you! Read the many articles and advice on Ask the Counselor If you would like a free book: Anchor for the Soul by Pastor Ray Pritchard – send me your name and address.
God bless you as you start a new life in Christ! All things are possible with God!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

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Unexpressed Anger

Posted on September 29, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
When we talk about anger, I always remember a few situations, and wonder – did I do wrong or good? In every situation, I am trying to stay calm and after that what happens with the anger? I think it is somewhere deep in side of me, and there must be some valve for all my anger. How will that impact my life?

Answer:
Dear Friend, Maybe you are really asking: Has my anger and response to provoking situations been helpful? What happens to the anger when I don’t express it? How does it affect my life?

Pent-up Anger: It sounds like you try to remain calm which is helpful in containing conflict and angry outbursts – but, your anger remains hidden. Hidden anger can grow and result in bitterness and depression or eventually there may be an outburst of anger over something small because you have been holding it in.
Is it good to keep your anger unexpressed? I don’t believe so.

Anger Expressed: I think anger is meant to be expressed in healthy ways through assertive communication and problem-solving. If you can’t talk with the person directly who you are angry with – then, it is helpful to express your anger to a confidante or counselor. You can explore ways to express it directly or decide to let it go.

Ultimately, when you don’t express anger – you will be affected by it. Anger is an emotion which results from feelings of fear, frustration, hurt and loss of control. The emotional valve within will explode when these feelings are not dealt with. You need to make changes so you can deal with your emotions and the issues. Working through anger using healthy coping skills will bring a sense of peace and confidence to your life.

Order the book: What’s Good About Anger? to learn more about these skills and how faith can help defuse your anger.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

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Hateful Anger

Posted on September 28, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
I was with my ex-boyfriend for three years. I will refer to him as HE from here on. HE had a very abusive childhood, and had many traumas growing up as his father was alcoholic. HE saw his dad try to kill his mom when HE was very young. His dad abused his mom and also him and his brother. Needless to say, the boys grew up alcoholic, too. HE is 34 years old now and it’s been a long time since HE was physically abused. But his dad calls him every night…drunk…and is extremely abusive with his words. They end up screaming at each other sometimes and then HE walks around fuming. This has gone on throughout our three years together. HE was always nice to me unless HE got really drunk. Then about a year and a half ago, HE was more drunk than I had ever seen him be and HE screamed at me for a long time, calling me names, pounding his fists on the dash of the pickup…as I sobbed in fear. The more I cried the more angry HE got. HE stopped drinking about sixteen months ago. We had some problems and for the past almost four months we’ve been on and off. These past months have been horrible. HE lives quite far from me, so we don’t see each other much, but we would talk online. At first the conversations went well, then HE would suddenly get very angry about something and start calling me names and being hateful and very mean. It would kill me everytime HE did it. We would end up telling each other that we needed to be apart. Then HE would always apologize, etc. A few weeks ago, we had another huge blowup. Not so different than the usual, but the words were worse and the anger was as bad as I’ve ever seen it. I’ve told him before that he needed to get counseling because he was acting just like his dad. Anyway, before this last blowup, I always fell back into it…HE would make me feel sorry for him. I got to the point where I was afraid to even sign online and I blocked him from my messenger and stuff so I wouldn’t have to talk to him. And it was hard because I loved him so much. It was weird though…after this last one, I told him to leave me alone, and I actually truly meant it. The words were just too much for me this time. I usually would leave our conversations crying and feeling extremely hurt. This time, though, I just felt kind of numb to him. The next day when HE tried to talk to me, I just ignored HIM. And the next day after that as well. Then a week or so ago, HE wrote all this stuff about how HE had gone to counseling and HE saw things differently now, how HE was taking things out on me and that it was wrong…blah blah. He tried to convince me that “it would never happen again” because HE realized what HE was doing. This…after one counseling session. And HE expected me to just say, “Oh ok then…” I can’t do it anymore. The love that I felt for HIM has turned into a feeling of nothing. I don’t hate HIM. I just feel nothing for HIM. I have no desire to talk to HIM anymore. HE still tries to talk to me online. Now I just want HIM to leave me alone, but HE won’t. Because “HE is changed now”..with HIS one counseling session. (Hardly ) I have stuck to my guns this time and tell HIM every day that I have had enough and I’m done. I’ve tried ignoring HIM. I have tried to tell HIM that no matter what HE does, I don’t want anything to do with HIM anymore. I just got tired of being afraid! I got tired of going to bed every night crying. I got tired of being afraid to sign online. I just don’t want it anymore. How can I get HIM to go away? I just want some peace in my life for once. Any advice is much appreciated.
Signed: Tired of Being Afraid

Answer:
Dear Tired of Being Afraid,
Protect Yourself: It’s time to tell your ex-boyfriend that he must stop contacting you or you will get a court Order of Protection which will make it illegal to have any contact with you. This is harrassment and his actions are threatening and intimidating. He is a typical batterer. And you have experienced the “cycle of abuse” which begins with:
Phase 1 – Tension Building: Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim becomes fearful and feels the need to placate the abuser. and then,
Phase 2 occurs which is the actual Incident: Verbal, emotional, physical abuse. Anger, blaming, arguing. Threats. Intimidation.
Phase 3 is Reconciliation: Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn’t as bad as the victim claims.
Phase 4 is the Calm: Incident is “forgotten”, no abuse is taking place. The “Honeymoon” phase. Call the National Domestic Hotline for more advice at: 1-800-799-7233. They will help you locate a domestic violence agency in your area and will provide you with guidance for getting the court order of protection. And see Safe Relationships for more reseouvces on domestic violence. You need peace in your life. You most likely should change your phone number and email to help prevent him from contacting you. Remember – there is no excuse for abuse! This kind of anger is hateful and should not be tolerated. Hope this helps. God bless!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

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I hit someone

Posted on September 27, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
I’m sorry if this is a little disjointed and confusing. I’m possibly a little disjointed and confused myself, just at the moment. I’m pretty sure I’m just whining here. I haven’t been through half the things everyone else here seems to have, but there’s just something, in my head that I can’t seem to get a hold on. I’m pretty annoyed at myself that I hit someone. He got at me about a few little things, and I just turned round and belted him. This is not just boys fighting – I’m female for a start – he’s twice my size and twice my age. The more you tell him something, the more he yells. It’s like a case of “I’m big, your little, I’m right, you’re wrong. that’s how it is end of story” Everyone else seems to be able to just…..get over it. To work it out with themselves and they’re fine and dandy the net time you see them. I seem to just fester in it – i can’t channel it anywhere, I can’t untangle it, and i can’t get rid of it. What else can I do? What if the other person is someone that actually matters? my boyfriend, or my mum, or some little kid?

Answer:
Dear Friend,
Why not get some anger management counseling since you seem to fly off the handle so quickly? You need to explore what is happening… what the triggers are and how to apply some coping skills. See www.angermanagementproviders.com or www.copingwithanger.com for resources and providers. Consider pruchasing the book: What’s Good About Anger? which teaches how to turn anger into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness.

Taking a Time-out: One of the best techniques for defusing anger is taking a time-out. You need to control anger early. Taking a time-out when you feel your neck getting tense or your stomach tightening up will give you an opportunity to think about what the issue is and what possible steps to take. The book includes chapters on taking a time-out and exploring and challenging Cognitive Distoritions. I wonder what you are telling yourself when you get angry? Catastrophic thinking, personalizing and mind-reading all contribute to anger’s escalation. Start exploring the issues, feelings and thoughts beneath your anger so you can recognize your anger early in the process. Try out some of the skills to prevente future escalation of your anger.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

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What Makes Forgiveness So Hard?

Posted on September 21, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Forgiveness brings closure to hurt and anger. But, forgiveness sometimes seems impossible or takes a very long time. The question arises Why Forgiveness is so Hard? And how we can change? Human behavior that suggests that people are “hard-wired” to experience ruptured relational bonds, psychological distance, physiological arousal, and the desire to retaliate when they have been hurt by another person. Our pride or self-esteem is injured. Our expectations or dreams are disappointed. We lose something very valuable to us. We want recompense for the damages.
But there are other resistances which block our motivation to forgive……
1. Automatic thoughts or beliefs: What automatic thoughts or beliefs do we have that would impede us from forgiving others? We tell ourselves, “I won’t forgive because he/she never accepts responsibility for what he/she does” or “I would be a hypocrite if I forgave because I do not feel like forgiving” or “Forgiving is only for weak people”.
2. Explanations for behavior: When someone hurts us or lets us down….how do we generally explain his/her behavior? We Tend to assign internal causes for behavior to others: personality or character traits: “He’s just so forgetful or careless” “She doesn’t appreciate me” “She did that purposefully” We judge them harshly. When we do something wrong or hurtful/disappointing…how do we generally explain our behavior? We tend to excuse our own behavior by attributing external causes: “My child made a mess” “There was a car accident on the highway.” We tend to let ourselves off the hook and give ourselves permission to fail.
This is called the Fundamental Attribution Error…when we assign total responsibility/blame to others/spouses for their behavior while explaining away our own negative actions in terms of situational factors. (resource: Forgiveness is Human by Worthington)
Understanding and accepting the error in the Fundamental Attribution Error does not relieve offending people of moral responsibility. The goal is to promote empathy and forgiveness and look more realistically at the hurtful events from their point of view…
As Christians we are commanded to ”think the best” as 1 Cor. 13:7 reads: “Love always hopes, always trusts…” and when we apply the Causal Agnosticism exercise: “one can never know the precise causes of a person’s/spouse’s hurtful behavior… ” we are able to give those who hurt us the benefit of the doubt.
3. Lack of empathy (empathy is the psychological highway to forgive others) for others…. We need to develop empathy for others by beginning to change Fundamental Attribution Error way of thinking we have about people’s actions to a more empathic view and use the Causal agnosticism exercise which says, “One can never know the precise causes of another person’s behavior”.
When have you been able to have empathy for someone who has hurt you? Ask yourself “do I want things bitter or better?” Recall when you have needed forgiveness….
Don’t let resentment imprison you for life….it will imprison you in anger, destroy you and your relationships. Lewis Smedes wrote: “To forgive is to set the prisoner free…and to discover that the prisoner was you.” Let go of the pain. Give it to God. For God alone understands more than anyone the pain and humiliation you feel. Jesus felt more pain, rejection and humiliation than any person. He came unto His own and His own did not receive Him. Not only did the created not receive the Creator, they tortured him and put him to death… on a cross. Phil 2:5-8 5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death– even death on a cross! (NIV) And then Jesus said as He hung on the cross dying for our sins, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do”. May God give you the grace to forgive. To not only set the other person free but to set yourself free from the past and to become more like Christ. Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPCResources: Order the What’s Good About Anger? anger management certificate course this book and program teaches you how to turn your anger into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness! To Forgive is Human : How to Put Your Past in the Past by Michael E. McCullough, Everett L. Worthington (Contributor), Steven Sandage (Contributor)
Read more about how to know God personally in the article on Faith. Other articles on our web site that talk about forgiveness: Forgiveness is a Choice The Power of Forgiveness
Books I would recommend: Check out the Resources page for books like this:The Healing Power of Forgiveness by Dr. Ray Pritchard $8.79 The Freedom & Power of Forgiveness by John MacArthur $13.99 Putting Your Past Behind You: Finding Hope for Life’s Deepest Hurts by Erwin Lutzer $9.59 Freedom of Forgiveness by David Augsburger $7.99 Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve by Lewis Smedes $9.60

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

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Father’s Angry Mood Swings

Posted on September 10, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question: I’m writing about a family issue that is depressing me.
All my life i have known my father to have mood swings. when he is in a bad mood he hates everything and everybody, gets angry over mundane things and innocent remarks, is condescending and paranoid. he acts like a child in a tantrum. usually he takes off for a day or two to vent. when he comes back he needs another day to get back to normal where he will pretend nothing has happened.

My mother had to bear the brunt of it as they work at the same place. she recently confided in me that most of the time he makes her feel clumsy at work, is impatient, snaps at her for little mistakes and makes her feel inferior. which is outrageous. without her his enterprise would completely fail…he is so impractical he can’t figure out his own bank statement. she is basically performing three jobs at once and he is still unsatisfied.
They have always pretended everything is o.k at work in front of my brother and i but his mood seems to have gotten worse with age, according to my mother. i’ve never realized that there is something wrong with him until my mother opened up to me recently. we were so used to him and also we thought it was our fault he would be in such a temper (that’s how he made us feel). however, when he is back to normal he makes it all up by being cheerful.

Because of his inconsistent personality my parents hardly have any close friends and the relationship to the side of his family is strained. my mother just feels sorry for him and wants to continue to take care of him. i’ll be getting married and moving abroad so i won’t be able to give support by being there which breaks my heart. her own family lives in a different country too, so does my brother.
I’d like to talk to my father about his issue but am afraid that he will snap. does he have an anger problem? what can i do to get through to him?
thankfully he never harmed any of us physically and never showed intention to do so.

Sorry for writing so much, any feedback is greatly appreciated!

Answer: Dear Friend,
Thanks for posting this. Your father most likely is struggling with a mental health disorder which is causing these mood swings and outbursts. I think it is appropriate for you to bring up his problems because if you continue to keep quiet about his behavior – then, it’s almost condoning it.
Your father needs to understand the impact his behavior has had on others and be confronted with how it has affected him personally. It’s not easy to bring up reality after so many years of pretending but, he needs to take responsibility, change and get help for his own benefit and for the sake of others.

Since you are leaving – you have an excuse to arrange for a heart-to-heart meeting with him. Do it in a public place such as a restaurant. Write out what you want to say beforehand. State your concerns in a non-threatening way such as:
“Dad, over the years I have been concerned about you. It seems that your mood changes quite a bit. When you act angry and irritated I feel afraid of you and don’t know how to help you or reconcile. Have you ever considered getting help for this problem? ”

Your Dad will probably get up and leave but, maybe he will think it over and consider getting help. On the other hand, if you don’t speak up and talk about what is happening – he may never get help.
You should also talk with your Mother about safety once you and the siblings are out of the house. His behavior may escalate and come out in abuse towards her. She needs to be ready to leave or call the police. Encourage her to read about Domestic Violence and how to prevent it. God bless!
copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

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Can’t Let Go of Anger and Forgive..

Posted on September 6, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
Basically one of those little things happen where somebody is rude or whatever, and I cannot it go, it bothers me forever. And in most cases, I’ve done nothing wrong, and I should just be able to go, “Wow, what a jerk,” and move on. But I find myself replaying the situation over and over in my head, and I just want to yell at them. Very rarely am I able to actually communicate with the person and tell them they hurt my feelings.
Couple of examples, At the coffee place where I work, a regular came in, and my co-worker was on her break, but the regular was like, “Are you [her] going to make my drink?” And the girl was like, “No, I’m on my break.” So I start making it, and the lady goes over to talk with my coworker and tells her, (she doesn’t realize I can hear her) “I don’t want her making it” … To my coworker, in front of ANOTHER coworker, and in front of other customers. I am really good at what I do, and I can’t think of any reason why she wouldn’t want me to make it. Honestly, I’ve heard from almost every customer, that I’m a better barista than the girl she was talking to. I actually got the strength to say something to her the next time she came in.
Okay, check this out… her “problem” with me: She get’s a smoothie. She get’s whipped cream on top. We use home made whipped cream out of a seltzer dispenser. Sometimes, there’s a lot of pressure in the container, and she got a drink on the first squirt of the container, so some of the whipped cream went to the bottom of her cup. She got all upset and said I was “cheating” her. I explained… told her that we used recipes, and that she got the amount she was supposed to… so that’s what she had been holding onto. I’m just flabbergasted that a grown woman would not only be so petty, but would dispay the sort of catty behavior I expect from a girl in junior high school. This was like two weeks ago and I can’t let it go. I keep thinking of what smart thing I could say to her the next time she comes in. And today, I went to drop off an invoice at the new business I designed a logo for. It’s right next to an art store. I bought my supplies there to do the logo, even though they have shit supplies at ridiculous prices. The sales girl knows me. It’s a duplex type business. So I asked if I could leave an envelope with her, with an invoice because the guy had left for lunch, and the floors had just been painted, so I couldn’t go in and leave it. She was like, “No I don’t think so hun, this an art supply store.” I cannot describe in words how rudely and condescendingly she said it. Beyond that, this woman is a moron. I told her, “Um, well, it’s literally a piece of paper with an amount written on it, it’s nothing I’d care if you lost, but if that’s the kind of neighbor you want to be, I’ll remember that the next time I need art supplies.” So then she’s like, “Well January, I guess I could keep in under the register,” I was so angry at the way she had talked to me, and in front of a bunch of people, that I told her never mind, because she’s an idiot and would probably loose it and stormed out. I’m just like WTF? How dare you talk to me like that, and this is a small town. People do stuff like this all the time. She used to come into the print shop I worked, and I’d help her make stupid collages. It wasn’t my job, and if I’d cut something wrong, she could (and probably would) have freaked out, but that’s the kind of stuff you do in small towns. I just like want to be in a situation where she needs something from me and I can just remind her of this little incident. It’s really hard to interact with people and I just feel like these little “tiffs” are too hard. I can’t get over them/>Answer:
Dear Friend, thanks for posting. You wrote: “Basically one of those little things happen where somebody is rude or whatever, and I cannot it go, it bothers me forever. And in most cases, I’ve done nothing wrong, and I should just be able to go, “Wow, what a jerk,” and move on. But I find myself replaying the situation over and over in my head, and I just want to yell at them. Very rarely am I able to actually communicate with the person and tell them they hurt my feelings.. ”
My advice is this: In your examples I believe you have a right to be angry. On the other hand, you are suffering mentally and emotionally since you can’t let the situations go and become obsessed with hurt and anger for a long period of time.
In our book: What’s Good About Anger? we write about: “What Happens in the Process of Anger?” First there is a threat to self– which is exacerbated by poor self-concept, negative self-evaluations, frustration, fear, disappointment and leads to anger. Paul Hauck explains the 6 levels of thought involved when one becomes angry
1. “I want something”
2. “I didn’t get what I wanted and am frustrated”
3. “It is awful and terrible not to get what I want”
4. “You shouldn’t frustrate me! I must have my way.”
5. “You’re bad for frustrating me.”
6. “Bad people ought to be punished”
This thinking goes awry when one begins to catastrophize and think – it is awful and terrible to not get what I wanted, ie., respect, consideration, fairness, etc. Challenging your thinking is important. People are unfair. People can be disrespectful and disappointing. But, should their behavior cause you to be unhappy for days on end? Is it worth it to be so controlled by them that you can’t function or experience peace in your life? Do these people have that much power over you? Does their opinion of you change your worth or significance? It’s very important for you to build your self-worth and discover your purpose in life. . In order to prevent rumination about past hurfful events and decrease fear about future conflicts – you can learn to be assertive and prepare for future scenarios. Read about how to Assert Yourself!. By challenging and changing your thinking, growing in self-esteem and learning new communication skills – you will find more confidence to handle these people and situations. At some point, you will need to forgive and let it go.
The people may not change – but, you will be set free! God bless!
© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations
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Worrying Problem

Posted on August 29, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question: I have a worrying problem which i hope someone can help me with. I have been with my partner over 3 years and we have a pretty good life, a four month old son who i adore and a loving relationship.
In this time I have had three instances of uncontrolled anger where i seem to get stuck on a topic and keep asking my partner the same question time and time again.
I have not hit my partner or attacked her and do not feel like doing so but I do not feel like I am in control.
We have an arguement which lasts maybe 30 minutes after which I feel like my normal relaxed self.
Is this outburst a build up over time or something that is triggered on the spur of the moment?

Answer: Dear Friend, thank you for writing.
Anger Escalates: The feeling of anger is an automatic reaction physiologically to any insult or threat and anger rears it’s ugly head within 2-3 seconds. Hormones kick in and keep anger simmering for 30 minutes. If you don’t have a strategy in place to stop, prevent triggers or decrease the escalation of anger – you will feel out-of-control once it gets going.
Intervention: I always recommend the time-out strategy since it’s such a good way to control and defuse anger. I suggest you use it for any major issue or conflict that comes up with your partner. Explore the underlying fears and thoughts which may be contributing to your anger during the time-out. In the book: What’s Good About Anger? readers learn a step-by-step plan for the time-out, gain understanding about cognitive distortions which are triggering anger and how to challenge these and learn other coping skills.
Ask her to respect your request for a time-out when you are starting down the path of conflict and you feel anger beginning to simmer. Don’t apologize for taking a time-out. During the T.O. (usually 30 min. – one hour) you both can reflect on what the issue is, a request you might have or a way you can collaborate.
Log your angry episodes. Why? Because you will begin to see a pattern of what issues or triggers provoke your anger. Anger is a choice. You can control how you react. If you log the scenarios – you will recognize which coping skills you are using that can help you during more difficult times.
Check out the various resources for managing your anger at the: What’s Good About Anger? Institute (books, courses for individuals or couples, DVD) or many other resources found at the: American Association of Anger Management Providers.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

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