Most people have pet peeves – close-talkers, noisy eaters, loud cell phone conversations, etc. While dealing with these minor annoyances may be trivial for some, for others, they cause sincere displeasure. The recent phenomenon of “road rage,” is one example of how America’s fast-paced culture can lead to anger. An American Automobile Association (AAA) study found there were more than 10,000 car crashes from 1990 to 1996 caused by “violent, aggressive driving.”
Rather than flip the bird, hit the horn and feel the blood rush to your face after being cut off by the same driver for the umpteenth time, Lynette Hoy – a national certified counselor – says evaluate the situation before letting anger get the best of you.
“My treatment approach involves helping people get the perspective that anger is an emotion that can be helpful,” she says. “People can make the choice to use anger for good or for evil. I can help people turn anger into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness. There are many triggers for anger; I help clients identify and avoid these triggers and work through some of the underlying causes of anger – cognitive distortions and false beliefs.”
Hoy is co-author of the book, What’s Good About Anger.” She is also a licensed clinical professional counselor in Illinois and a Diplomate with the American Association of Anger Management Providers. She says there are clear warning signs for those with excess anger.
“Here are some helpful questions people can use to determine whether anger might be disturbing their lives and relationships:
Do I frequently find myself getting frustrated, tense, upset, irritable, annoyed during the day? Is anger disturbing my sleep and functioning?
Do I find myself over-reacting to minor events (i.e., child accidentally spills milk) which I could have overlooked?
Do I find myself ruminating about someone’s behavior or a negative situation over a long period of time? Is it hard to let it go?
When someone blocks my goals, disrespects or disappoints me, do I react by yelling, screaming, using verbal abuse, put-downs, hitting, pushing, throwing things, hitting and/or breaking objects?”
Hoy says a person’s immediate reaction of anger is chemical. Spending a few minutes to think about the situation before reacting may solve many of the problems associated with rage.
“Anger rears its ugly head in one to three seconds and a hormonal surge keeps anger simmering for 30 minutes,” she says. “I teach clients to take a time-out immediately to cool off. They need to identify early on when they are becoming angry in order to prevent a hostile reaction.
“During the time-out, they can pray and reflect on the issue. Ask whether the issue is valid – and consider what steps to take next. It is important to learn assertiveness skills so they can express anger in a healthy way versus blaming, criticizing or becoming defensive. Assertiveness uses “I” statements, focuses on behavior and requests versus blaming, criticizing or becoming defensive. Using the time-out and good communication skills will help people keep from reacting the situations with rage.”
En sum, if you feel like anger gets the best of you and you later regret your reaction to the emotion, Hoy says try to step away from the situation, if only briefly.
“Identify the issue, address the issue/problem and express your feelings, plan a time-frame for reaction, express how you will help the situation, get guidance from a pastor, counselor or godly confidante, put the issue in perspective and forgive and forget.”
Although these may be easier said than done, it is smart to have a plan of attack for turning rage into goodwill.
For more information about Hoy, visit: http://www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/, http://www.counselcareconnection.org/.
Lynette Hoy is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.