Defusing Anger

Posted on July 21, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question: How can I defuse my anger when someone (a “downer”) is unfairly blaming or judging me?

Answer:
Here are some steps to take.
First of all, listen attentively to what is being said. Try to understand and clarify the issue and don’t defend yourself against character judgments, labelling, etc. until you’ve dealt with the issue and you both have cooled down.

Example:
Downer: “You didn’t complete that project on time (or finish the room, house-cleaning, etc.)! You are just lazy and irresponsible!”
You: “You think I am irresponsible because I didn’t finish the project. Is that right?”
Downer: “Yes! I could have finished the project myself along with everything else I am doing! You just don’t care!”
You: “You think I don’t care because I didn’t finish the project and you think you could have done it yourself. I want to explain to you what happened. Are you willing to listen to me?”
Downer: “Yes. But, I don’t think you can give me any excuses for your irresponsibility.”
You: “I didn’t finish the project because the kids had some unexpected needs (or other responsibilities/clients at work took precedence). I know that you are disappointed but, I now have time to work on the project.”
Downer: “Ok. But, I’m still pretty angry about this.”
You (now, work towards resolution and confrontation about the character judgments):
“I will do the project and have it done in a few days. But, in the future, I am requesting that you refrain from making character judgments about me when you have a problem with my work.”
Downer: “What do you mean by that?”
You: “I don’t like being labeled irresponsible and lazy. When you need to approach me about some issue in the future, please keep to the issue, ie., the behavior that bothers you and your feelings about it. This will help me feel respected and improve our relationship.”

~ © copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Resolving Anger and Relationship Conflict

Posted on July 17, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
Hi, I really, need some advice. I have a friend that is very sweet, and really, loves the Lord. We were the best of friends. I was going through a really, hard time when I met her. She so gently, and lovingly, used her gifts and time to help me..However, she knew that we were both from different religions. She a Pentecostal, me a Baptist. She wrote me a poem, and a letter, describing to me about her faith. Her intentions were to help me through my difficult time..but seemed to keep pressing the issues that her beliefs were the right way and mine were wrong. When I would say something to her about mine..Just being myself..Like for example..I would say “if It is God’s will”..My friend believes it’s never God’s will for sickness.etc. It seemed like she would try to convince me her way. I started becoming defensive..and we both started arguing. I then said, some very hurtful things to her. I apologized later..I even cried when I told her I was sorry. She closed the door on our friendship..She wouldn’t call me. And she’d tell me that we couldn’t be best friends any more..but that if I needed anything I could call her. I was so hurt. I hadn’t ever not been able to talk through the problems before with my other friends. We didn’t really speak for a whole year. Now, she is back in my life again. As if nothing has ever happened. My problem here is..that she doesn’t talk about any of it.. I want her to apologize..to me..for her part. She seems to act like I am the one to blame for all of it. I have tried to talk to her about it and she doesn’t really say anything. I still have unresolved issues. In order for us to grow and be good friends again.. I feel like I need to talk to her about everything. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you. DanielleAnswer
Dear Danielle,
Don’t press her to talk about it. It sounds like she is still very defensive and will not own up to the fact that she hurt your feelings as well. Maybe you need to recognize that you and she will never be really good friends because she is not willing to be honest, take responsibility for failures or offenses and work through anger towards forgiveness and reconciliation in a godly way.

What is Real Friendship?
Good Christian friends will demonstrate the fruit of the Holy Spirit in their lives and relationships. Ephes. 4:31-32 reads: “be kind and compassionate to one another – forgiving one another just as Christ Jesus forgave you.”
It seems to me that your friend is very controlling, she lacks compassion and forgiveness. Do you really want to pursue a deeper relationship with her?

What is God Teaching You? Consider this a lesson in what you want in a friendship or healthy relationship. Also, its obvious that her belief system is legalistic and dogmatic and does not adhere to biblical teachings. This difference will continue to cause friction between you and you may find the relationship too stressful.
I suggest you find friends who will help build up your faith, will respect you, consider your opinions and beliefs and who are willing to take responsibility for their actions.
Consider this a lesson to continue studying the Word of God and taking a stand for your convictions about what the Bible teaches. You are right about suffering. God allows it and uses it for our growth. Of course, He is not the author of evil but, He allowed His only Son – Jesus Christ to die a cruel death on the cross in order to accomplish His purpose of redemption for mankind. God can and does bring about good from allowing suffering in the world.
James 1:2-4 reads: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” NIV
Does God cause it or allow it? Christians disagree on this, but, some Christians teach that if you are suffering God will always heal you because it is not His will.
The answer to that is: Why did Paul still have a thorn in his flesh after he prayed to have it removed 3 times? Paul writes about the reason here in 2 Cor 12:7-9
“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”” NIV
I hope this is helpful for you. God bless!

~ © copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Rage and Jealousy

Posted on July 11, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
Lynette, I have a rage problem when it comes to jealousy. It begins with a jealousy problem and turns into an out of control rage problem where I want to throw things, curse, cry, yell, and push or hit.I know you have an anger-management course, and when I can, I will purchase it. But* I am constantly “worried” and “overly- preocuppied” w/ tormenting thoughts that whatever person I am w/ is thinking sexually about someone else’s body, or, is going to, or has and has not told me, or has lied to me about it, or will lie to me about it. I fear greatly whoever I am w/ will “lust” and when I notice the guy I’m w/ looking at a female for a little longer or looking at a particular part, I go insanely jealous, and want to “get back” and “take revenge” and hurt him back so he knows how much this hurts me..my mouth gets out of control and soon I am in tears and break something..this has lead to fights and separations I do not want, but I feel insecure that my body is not as pretty as the other woman’s and that he “might” think the other one is and wish he had it or compare it to mine, and not like mine anymore. I have read Purpose Driven Life and Experiencing God, but it is the Jealousy Rage I cannot control! I want to honor God and love in “trust” but cannot stop thinking these things constantly,daily. Please pray it will stop. I have prayed and when the emotions come, I DO NOT KNOW HOW* TO HANDLE THEM!Answer:
Dear Friend, thank you for writing. Certainly, your rage and jealousy problem are out of control and if you were to take our Anger survey I could predict that you would fall into category 111 which means you have a “severe problem with anger”.
Here is a summary of your comments: “I have a rage problem when it comes to jealousy…But* I am constantly “worried” and “overly- preocuppied” w/ tormenting thoughts that whatever person I am with…I fear greatly whoever I am with will “lust”…I feel insecure that my body is not as pretty as the other woman’s…but it is the Jealousy Rage I cannot control! I want to honor God and love in “trust” but cannot stop thinking these things constantly,daily….I have prayed and when the emotions come, I DO NOT KNOW HOW* TO HANDLE THEM!”

What is the real problem underlying your rage and anger? And what can you do about your problem? May I suggest that your problem is not the man you are with or the other women with whom you compete or even a preoccupation about your appearance and your sexuality. You are looking to find yourself – you are searching for significance and security. You believe that if someone really demonstrates that you are the best woman – the most attractive woman ever – that you will finally feel good about yourself. You are really trying to convince yourself that you are a person of value and worth. Since you are not convinced – you are hoping that a man’s attraction to and attention towards you will cause you to feel better about who you are.
There’s a problem with what you are doing. It’s not working. The men you are dating can’t give you enough attention and if they did – you would find their attention quotient – deficient no matter what. The only one who can convince you that you are a valuable person is YOU! The only one who can really affect how you think about yourself is GOD.
The only one who can control your anger is YOU. The only one who can really help you with your anger is GOD. You have an obsession with the focus of your life and what is meaningful in life.
What will it matter 10 years from now – whether someone is prettier or sexier than you? What will it matter when you are 65? Especially, if you have driven away with your jealousy and rage – people who are most important in your life.

The real question is What are you living for? Since you read The Purpose Driven Life – it sounds that you were not really impacted by the challenge of the book….
What is Rick Warren’s challenge? To worship God, to fellowship with other believers, to grow to be like Christ, to serve others and to be on a mission to win the world to Christ.
In order to really live out the purpose God has for you – you need to become Christ-centered versus Me-centered. Right now the focus is “all about you”. Yes, it may be due to your insecurities and some brokenness in your past – but, you can change.

Jesus Christ can make the difference in your life. You can put Christ at the center and give up all the rage and anger and pain in your heart. You see, when a person is so focused on getting their needs met but, doing it themselves- their life revolves around themselves and they are living in idolatry. Whatever need you have underneath the anger and jealousy becomes the focus of your life instead of God. The answer is simple – God can meet your need but, you can’t focus on that need anymore. You can pray about it – but, God needs to be on the throne of your life. Give up the anger – give up the rage – give up yourself – surrender it all to Jesus.
Ask for forgiveness for making your need the center of your life. Ask Jesus to take center-stage. Give Him your heart and mind and all your longings.
Turn from the sins of jealousy and rage and sexual idolatry. Ask Jesus to cleanse you from these sins and take over. Put yourself and your pain at the foot of the cross – where every hurt and bitterness melts into forgiveness. Let Jesus make you a new person today. You need professional counseling because you are manifesting signs of depression and paranoia along with low self-esteem, rage and obsessions.
Find a counselor in your area in the directory of professional counselors at American Association of Christian Counselors. Read about how to overcome Jealousy. Stop looking for fulfillment and happiness in others. Let Jesus bring that inner joy in your life that only He can bring. Read through the Gospel of John. God bless you in your journey to find freedom from the bondage of Rage and jealousy and to discover a whole new life!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Response: “wow. thanks for replying, I almost thought you would be too busy, but great email, thank you very much. the part of read the gospel of John and ..freedom from the bondage of jealousy made me laugh but the part about idolatry made me think about it more seriously. I never thought of it that way, like my life focus being my need, or even that i had value and worth insecurities. I will pray to God and thank you again for all your help. I will ask the Lord to make me see me the way he does. Jealous”

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Anger and Abuse

Posted on July 9, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
Hi my boyfriend and i have had some serious issues, over the last few years. He is the kindest, sweetest guy on the planet most of the time, but in the last couple of years, he has hit me a few times. He has truly sunk his lowest over the last few years, in every possible area and way in his life, but things are now on the up. I have a nasty mouth, as he has, and this i guess hasnt helped him. Weve had been though so much emotionally, and he has seen a therapist, but wont continue, (not for anger but for other issues)and wants to put it behind him. Although an ex partner of mine was agressive at times in rows, (never acutally hitting thou, ) ive never been in this position before, where i now sometimes have to go against my natural instincts due to fear of things escalating. i have learned to try to calm the situation somewhat when i feel things are getting out of control, if he starts raising his voice, i shut up like a clam and hope for it to pass. It always does and he apologises after. I guess its been about learning how to deal with eachother through the bad times. He had a very traumatic upbringing. Was violent for many years when he was younger, but for many years now hasnt hurt a fly as far as i know, until he met me. For the last few months, nothing had happened, we had rowed, but it never turned violent but then we had a recent incident in where i took a hit to the arm which was quite nasty. I didnt relalliate, but told him off and asked him never to do that again. I calmly explained that i will not tolerate that sort of behaviour. (please try to understand that we have recently both come out of a difficult time emotionally and he didnt really know me prior to this) I have never been a violent person by nature, and had vowed some time ago that showing my agression back was wrong, totally not me, and i had to learn when to walk away. We have had confrontations in the past and at times, this man , im ashamed to say, has driven me to hit back (2 occasions). What worries me with the recent incident, is that he has showed no remorse for it this time, even after i had to get it looked at making some excuse to the dr. He said i should have kept my mouth shut. I think he is trying to make light of it, and although he did apologise in a way, i worry at times that his path to his previous violence is opening up again. This incident seemed less agressive than the others – in that at least i didnt get a smack across the face. Im not making light of it, which is why i guess im here, but im so dissapointed in him that once again, he lashed out. Im also feeling dissapointed in myself that whilst i know that i can say the most hurtful things, its now got to the point where im modifying my behaviour when he has a mood. I love this man, i think he may be willing to go to couples therapy, even though he wasnt willing to continue to see the therapist for his own issues. Is this a place to start? Is something better than nothing? I do believe things are getting better??Answer: Dear Worried, You wrote: “where i now sometimes have to go against my natural instincts due to fear of things escalating. i have learned to try to calm the situation somewhat when i feel things are getting out of control, if he starts raising his voice, i shut up like a clam and hope for it to pass. It always does and he apologises after. I guess its been about learning how to deal with eachother through the bad times. He had a very traumatic upbringing. Was violent for many years when he was younger, but for many years now hasnt hurt a fly as far as i know, until he met me. For the last few months, nothing had happened, we had rowed, but it never turned violent but then we had a recent incident in where i took a hit to the arm which was quite nasty. ….. what worries me is that he has shown no remorse

Advice: Get out of this relationship now! This man is a batterer. You will not change him. As you have seen – the battering is escalating. Read: What is Battering? and Am I Abused?. I believe people can change but, since he shows no remorse – that is a very bad sign. Most likely, the battering and abuse will escalate.
You are putting yourself in danger by staying in this relationship.

Ask yourself: How healthy is it for you to have to take responsibility to calm the situaton down? How can you build trust in a relationship where you can’t feel safe and are experiencing fear? Don’t try and talk yourself into staying in the relationship and don’t let him talk you into it. Look at the facts. The abuse is escalating and he has a history of violence. It will only get worse.

The Bible says that “the Lord hates violence”. This is sinful behavior. God wants you to live peacefully and not be associated with someone who is hot-tempered. The fruit of the Holy Spirit is “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness and self-control”. This man is under Satan’s control and not a Christian. Consider what God can do in your life and let Him guide you in this relationship. Read about How to Know God Personally.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Renew Yourself!

Posted on July 6, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Stress Buster 4: Revitalize and Renew yourself!

What are you looking forward to doing in your life? Maybe you answered, “not much!” That will cause a sense of hopelessness, underlying frustration and anger about your life. So, you need to take a look at your life to see how you can get revitalized. Do you have some activities which inspire you such as going to church, or being involved in a support group or doing something which is meaningful or creative?

Reading your Bible will inspire you. Start by reading the New Testament Gospels. Getting closer to God through prayer and fellowship in a local, healthy church which teaches the Bible and that Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior will revitalize your life! Jesus said, “I am the vine, you are the branches; he who lives in Me, and I in him will bear much fruit. Apart from Me you can do nothing.” John 15:5
Growing in a relationship with Him will bring new hope, energy and perspective into your life helping you get past the frustration and anger you have been feeling. Beginning a new goal such as a class or a hobby or sport will revitalize you. What did you do in the past which you wish you could do now? Ride your bike? Go fishing? Take an art class? Go hiking or canoeing? These kinds of activities will refresh you! You will notice the world around you and begin to love life again!

Examine your personal pace of life with the following Stress Buster Project.
See what you might need to change.
Simplify your life by starting to do and be what God made you to be. You will begin to feel more hopeful, more peaceful and encouraged as you renew your soul and spirit.

Stress Buster Project: Building Balance into Your Life: Adjusting Your Personal Pace
Here are some questions to help you begin to prioritize your life and relieve the stress of your pace of life:
1. Is it possible to do all the things I am trying to do in the time I have? Write down a list of the responsibilities you are performing each week: Identify those activities which someone could help you with: Identify the activities which you might not need to do.
2. Why am I trying to do the things I have set out to do? Of the activities listed above which you might not need to do ask what is the purpose of each.
3. Which of the activities you are engaged in doing do you consider worthwhile? Enjoyable? Profitable? Meaningful?
4. What do I really want to do but never seem to get around to doing? Something creative, fun, enjoyable?
5. What changes can I make this week?
6. What can I stop doing that is not really necessary to God’s goals for my life; is not really something I need to do that accomplishes healthy goals for myself and family?
7. How can I embark on the real goals that I believe God has for me and I never get around to doing? What goals/activities can I begin to do in which I can use my talents and gifts for the Lord? Which healthy goals/activities have made me feel refreshed and fulfilled in the past?

Answer the above questions in light of these verses: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” Phil. 4:8-9
“And whatever you do, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus…” Col.3:17 8.
Make a plan to Reduce the Stress in Your Life this week:
Ask someone to help you with a certain responsibility.
Stop doing something which you really don’t need/want to do.
Begin to do one or two activities daily which will help enrich you physically, emotionally and spiritually.

When you are proactive about taking care of yourself and your goals – you will experience less harmful anger and more peace. Giving God the control really is the key to finding satisfaction and fulfillment in your life.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Stress Busters to Reduce Anger

Posted on July 5, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Stress Buster 2: Stop Controlling!
When we feel insecure, frustrated and angry, no matter what the reason, we compensate by trying to control. Maybe there are other reasons you have for needing to be in control. Maybe you feel insignificant and when you are in charge, you gain a sense of meaning and self-worth. Whatever the cause, needing to be in control is one of the greatest causes for feeling angry and stressed-out. And when you run life on your own energy, your energy will run out!

What is the answer? Once again, God is answer. Because you will run out of energy trying to control everything and everyone in your life. And you will push your family and friends away from you. No one likes a controller. And you probably really don’t even like yourself. In fact, if this is the reason you are stressed out, because you believe no one can do things better than you or you feel insignificant when others get the credit for something you could have done, then, the real problem is not what stress is doing to you. The problem is how you are going about trying to get your inner needs of security and significance met and that you never really get what you want anyway. No wonder you are stressed! No wonder you still feel badly about yourself and your life.
Instead, you can give God a chance to change your purpose in life and discover the meaning He has for you and discover the power He can give to you. Put Him in charge of your life so He can give you power for living! 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but, a Spirit of power, and love and self-control.”

Stress Buster 3: Take care of your Relationships!
We were made to connect with people. Relationships are very important whether you are an extravert (outgoing) type of person or an introvert (needing more time to yourself).
The Bible talks about all kinds of relationships: family, friends, neighbors, employers, those in authority over us. Having healthy, caring, significant relationships with others gives us meaning for living, encouragement, and companionship throughout our lives.

Relationships can be draining or restoring. If you are in relationships which are unhealthy such as friendships where you are giving more than getting or family members where there is conflict and friction, than, you will feel stressed out. It could be that you tend to be codependent and need boundaries in your relationships. Or it could be that you need to be more assertive in our relationships so that you stop doing things that you really don’t want to do and start doing what God wants you to do!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Stress and Anger

Posted on June 29, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Stress Busters! Bringing Balance into Your Life! © copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, Marriage & Family Counselor
Stress is one to the biggest triggers for anger. Let’s look at why stress is such a problem today and how to control it. When you can control or avoid stress – you will decrease the amount of negative anger in your life.
Stress is one of our society’s greatest dilemmas. We feel it every day…pressure, strain, tension, sometimes burn_out. What is it that causes stress? What makes it so prominent today? How can we get out from under it’s heavy load? Stress is that feeling you experience when life is closing in on you with too many responsibilities, expectations, personal goals, changes, instabilities and life struggles.
Today more than anytime in history, we feel stressed-out. Why? Is it the proliferation of technology? Have we become human computers…with megabyte capacities and speed accelerations escalating out of control? Maybe for this and other reasons we’ve lost our humanity. We’ve become human doers rather than human beings. Our souls have grown empty. Our emotions have been blocked. Our relationships have deteriorated and our spirits have withered. We no longer have time to love or be loved. So how do we remedy the situation? How do we learn again to be human, learn to enjoy life?
Filling the empty Soul:
I believe we need to put God back in the picture. We need to begin with God Who made us to be….in relationship with Him and others. Who gave us a hunger inside for Him and His purpose in our lives. We need God. We long for God. We need God everyday. We are made to know God. We need Him to communicate with us and us with Him. We need to experience His love. We are not just computers…taking in information, processing it and spitting it out. We are people with souls, spirits, emotions, bodies and intellect.
We are made in God’s image.
Pascal said, “There is a God_shaped vacuum in the heart of every man”. When that vacuum stays empty we try filling it with sex, alcohol, work, success, pleasure, fortune, addictions only to be reminded that we are still empty and feeling even more unfulfilled.
We need God to fill our hearts, our souls, our lives. We need His power for living. Jesus Christ said, “come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” in Matt. 11:28. Take time out to know God. Read your Bible. Seek His face. Read the gospel of John. Think about what Christ has done for you. Rejoice in your faith. If you are not sure whether you know Christ personally, ask Him to come into your life to change it today, trusting Him and Him alone for forgiveness of sins and eternal life. He died for our sins and has risen from the dead! He said, “I am the resurrection and the life, he who believes in Me will live.” (John 11:25)
Stress Buster 1:
Changing What You tell Yourself About Life and You:
What you say to yourself is very important in handling stress. Your self-talk originates from your view of life & yourself. If you view life as “grab for all the gusto you can get!” based on the premise that “eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die” then, you will feel stressed! Why? Because you will hurry through life looking for satisfaction in anything without thinking about the consequences or caring about God’s plan for your life. And you will experience dissatisfaction _ the opposite of what you really want! If you view life as meaningless, you will tell yourself: “what’s the point?”, “why bother?” when you face responsibilities and decisions. Or if you view life as overwhelming or yourself as never measuring up, you will tell yourself: “I can’t handle that” or “This is too much for me” or “I’ll just fail anyway”. Your negative self_talk will generate more feelings of stress, hopelessness resulting in demotivation.
Maybe you are concerned about God’s plan for you and want to live for Him, but, you are finding that you still struggle with negative attitudes and self-talk. Growing in your relationship with Christ will help you begin to build your self-worth on God’s love and forgiveness. This will give you a healthier outlook on your life and a reason to live and prioritize your life. You will instead make decisions based on: “what does God want me to do?” and “how can I be used of God in this situation?”.
Don’t let negative self-talk rule your life! Let God change your thinking, your view of life and yourself! Proverbs 3:5-6 says: “trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” You can conclude from these verses that God loves you so much He has a plan for your life. What greater purpose can you live for than God’s purpose? God can fill your life with meaning, giving you greater incentive to live and make wise choices about people, responsibilities and events.
As Christians we know that God’s plan will ultimately give us what we need in life and fill our basic needs for security and significance. Jesus said in John 10:10, “I have come to give you life and give it more abundantly.” He not only promises to give you eternal life….. but, a fuller life!
Ultimate security lies in knowing you have been reconciled to God and have eternal life. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 5:1-2 “Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling,” NIV
When you encounter the love of the living God in Christ, the way you talk to yourself will change! The result will be less stress, less negativity, more meaning and purpose in your life!
Next Blog: Stress Buster 3: Stop Controlling

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Staying Angry

Posted on June 25, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Life’s too short to stay angry! Anger is harmful when it lasts too long. Harmful to you and harmful in your relationships. What happens when you stay angry? You ruminate about the incident and person who are at the center of your anger. You think about what you would have said, would have done and how much they hurt you. This escalates anger and doesn’t move you towards problem-solving.
So, how can you stop the anger? Pray. Cast all your anxieties – and anger – upon the Lord as it reads in 1 Peter 5:7. God cares about you. God wants you to be righteous but, to offer grace and become more like Christ through this trial. How did Christ respond when He was angry, despised, rejected and even abused? With humility, truth and love.
This is hard. Our immediate reaction is to defend ourselves and make ourselves appear innocent. Maybe you haven’t done anything wrong in your estimation. But, maybe, in the other person’s estimation, you have offended him/her. Consider what you can do to reconcile. Consider how to bring up the issue that you feel needs to be addressed in a loving way. Make a loving request for change.
Staying angry only increases anger. Moving out of anger increases the liklihood of resolution and develops character.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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