Anger and Abuse

Question:
Hi my boyfriend and i have had some serious issues, over the last few years. He is the kindest, sweetest guy on the planet most of the time, but in the last couple of years, he has hit me a few times. He has truly sunk his lowest over the last few years, in every possible area and way in his life, but things are now on the up. I have a nasty mouth, as he has, and this i guess hasnt helped him. Weve had been though so much emotionally, and he has seen a therapist, but wont continue, (not for anger but for other issues)and wants to put it behind him. Although an ex partner of mine was agressive at times in rows, (never acutally hitting thou, ) ive never been in this position before, where i now sometimes have to go against my natural instincts due to fear of things escalating. i have learned to try to calm the situation somewhat when i feel things are getting out of control, if he starts raising his voice, i shut up like a clam and hope for it to pass. It always does and he apologises after. I guess its been about learning how to deal with eachother through the bad times. He had a very traumatic upbringing. Was violent for many years when he was younger, but for many years now hasnt hurt a fly as far as i know, until he met me. For the last few months, nothing had happened, we had rowed, but it never turned violent but then we had a recent incident in where i took a hit to the arm which was quite nasty. I didnt relalliate, but told him off and asked him never to do that again. I calmly explained that i will not tolerate that sort of behaviour. (please try to understand that we have recently both come out of a difficult time emotionally and he didnt really know me prior to this) I have never been a violent person by nature, and had vowed some time ago that showing my agression back was wrong, totally not me, and i had to learn when to walk away. We have had confrontations in the past and at times, this man , im ashamed to say, has driven me to hit back (2 occasions). What worries me with the recent incident, is that he has showed no remorse for it this time, even after i had to get it looked at making some excuse to the dr. He said i should have kept my mouth shut. I think he is trying to make light of it, and although he did apologise in a way, i worry at times that his path to his previous violence is opening up again. This incident seemed less agressive than the others – in that at least i didnt get a smack across the face. Im not making light of it, which is why i guess im here, but im so dissapointed in him that once again, he lashed out. Im also feeling dissapointed in myself that whilst i know that i can say the most hurtful things, its now got to the point where im modifying my behaviour when he has a mood. I love this man, i think he may be willing to go to couples therapy, even though he wasnt willing to continue to see the therapist for his own issues. Is this a place to start? Is something better than nothing? I do believe things are getting better??Answer: Dear Worried, You wrote: “where i now sometimes have to go against my natural instincts due to fear of things escalating. i have learned to try to calm the situation somewhat when i feel things are getting out of control, if he starts raising his voice, i shut up like a clam and hope for it to pass. It always does and he apologises after. I guess its been about learning how to deal with eachother through the bad times. He had a very traumatic upbringing. Was violent for many years when he was younger, but for many years now hasnt hurt a fly as far as i know, until he met me. For the last few months, nothing had happened, we had rowed, but it never turned violent but then we had a recent incident in where i took a hit to the arm which was quite nasty. ….. what worries me is that he has shown no remorse

Advice: Get out of this relationship now! This man is a batterer. You will not change him. As you have seen – the battering is escalating. Read: What is Battering? and Am I Abused?. I believe people can change but, since he shows no remorse – that is a very bad sign. Most likely, the battering and abuse will escalate.
You are putting yourself in danger by staying in this relationship.

Ask yourself: How healthy is it for you to have to take responsibility to calm the situaton down? How can you build trust in a relationship where you can’t feel safe and are experiencing fear? Don’t try and talk yourself into staying in the relationship and don’t let him talk you into it. Look at the facts. The abuse is escalating and he has a history of violence. It will only get worse.

The Bible says that “the Lord hates violence”. This is sinful behavior. God wants you to live peacefully and not be associated with someone who is hot-tempered. The fruit of the Holy Spirit is “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness and self-control”. This man is under Satan’s control and not a Christian. Consider what God can do in your life and let Him guide you in this relationship. Read about How to Know God Personally.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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