Anger turned into Hatred… 5/28/07

Posted on May 28, 2007 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Question:   I have a depressed feeling for years now. It started when I was young around 6. My dad left my mom to live with someone I have hated. My brother who is 3 years older than me kept bullying me for years always after school for a long time and he really got me sad everytime he did. My mother didn’t do anything at all about it even though my brother kept ramming me in the ground and did a number on my self esteem.  When I was 12 years old at a new school – I was not fat but just a litle overweight. People could smell my low self esteem so they used it against me and started bullying me blowing my self esteem up even more. Now, I hate my fathers wife so much I almost never go to his house anymore. The reason I hate her is because since my dad lives with her he doesn’t seem to beleive me and trust me anymore and she is always being negative towards me. Because of all this I feel like I’m the lowest of the lowest – uglier then ugly – believing everything people say bad about me right away. I always did go on holidays with my dad and my sisters but his wife doesn’t want me to go with them anymore either. Now 2 years ago I let my addictions loose, not believing myself etc. started to hate them all so I lost respect for life and watch loads of vids fantasizing about killing and torturing people. I got a new haircut i trained lots of muscles and because being good never worked out for me I became what I hated some unkind bully. I got muscles and good grades in school. Now my brother moved out of the house I have a few friends but I still feel depressed and can’t lose this anger. Ii hate them all amd want to become a psycho serial killer. Being a good person gave me nothing good – just bad luck.I’m great at hiding emotions. I look really happy now that I’m 18 at a new school etc but I get angrier and angrier and cant stop it. I’m afraid I will kill someone soon if I cant let my anger go somehow. Please help.   

Answer:
Dear Friend, please get help for your depression, rage, thoughts of violence and very low self-esteem. Professional counseling can help you get a new perspective on your life and your value as a person.
You are a human being with dignity. No one can take that away from you. But, you have to believe that. 

Stop watching those videos!  Violent videos will incite you to become violent! 

You can learn anger management skills which will help you change the distorted thinking that has come from being bullied and abused. Bullying and verbal abuse will leave scars but, the way people treat you does not and should not have an impact on you and your worth as a person. Anger management skills will teach you to think through issues and communicate your needs in a healthy way.

Anger management and professional counseling can help you change the distorted thinking that has come from being bullied and abused. Bullying and verbal abuse will leave scars but, the way people treat you does not and should not have an impact on you and your worth as a person. Anger management skills will teach you to think through issues and communicate your needs in a healthy way.which will help you change the distorted thinking that has come from being bullied and abused. Bullying and verbal abuse will leave scars but, the way people treat you does not and should not have an impact on you and your worth as a person. Anger management skills will teach you to think through issues and communicate your needs in a healthy way.Counseling will help you change the distorted thinking that has come from being bullied and abused. Bullying and verbal abuse will leave scars but, the way people treat you does not and should not have an impact on you and your worth as a person. Anger management skills will teach you to think through issues and communicate your needs in a healthy way.

The real problem is that you see everyone who disappoints or crosses you as you see your step-mother and brother who bullied you.
Until you let that go and forgive – yes- forgive – you will see everyone as an enemy – not to be trusted. You can forgive once you see that it’s in your best interests to forgive. The hatred and bitterness is eating you up and destroying other potentially healthy relationships. Forgiveness doesn’t mean there are no consequences. Forgiveness will set you free from the past and help you achieve your goals in life.

Working through it means:
1. Counseling and a physical exam. You need help to work through the depression and abuse you have endured. See www.nbcc.org for a directory of professionals or if you are in school – see the school counselor/social worker. Get a physical exam from your family doctor and describe the feelings you are having. Your depression is significant and you may need an anti-depressant to help increase the neuro-chemicals which are depleted.

2. Self-esteem: Read a good book like Search for Significance by Robert McGee. Begin believing in yourself and the fact that you are a person with gifts, talents and abilities put on earth for a purpose.

3. Forgiveness: Resentment is a part of the depression along with your sense of worthlessness and hurt/pain over the psychological and emotional harm which has resulted from your past.
You can’t just “get over it”. You have to do the hard work of working through it. You may need to assertively confront your step-mother and brother at some point. You will need to be ready and may need the help of a mediator so you don’t harm them. Read about forgiveness.

4. Anger Management Skills will help you deal effectively with conflict, deescalate feelings of anger and hatred, grow in emotional intelligence skills: managing yourself and your emotions well, motivating yourself to achieve goals, empathizing with others, developing healthy relationships, etc.

What will you get out of this? You can grow as a person as you learn healthy ways to deal with anger and healthy ways to develop satisfying relationships.

You can break the cycle of bitterness, negative thinking, shame, depression, and thoughts of violence. But, only you can do this. No one can do it for you. Take responsibility for what you can do to change.

When you let the past and the hurtful people in the past control your thinking, your life and view of yourself – you are imprisoned. Get out of the prison. Get on with your life. It will take time but, you can do it.

Lastly, consider how God and faith can help you. These are days of crisis and trouble – you need supernatural help for living and God’s help to overcome the violent thinking and manage your anger. Read about faith at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/faith.asp
_________________

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, AAAMP; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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Become An Anger Management Trainer! 5/10/07

Posted on May 9, 2007 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
What is Anger Management Trainer Certification? The What’s Good About Anger Institute Training Course offers certification in anger management to mental health counselors, social workers, pastors, educators, probation and law enforcement officers through our distance-learning courses and training conferences. These programs provide students with skills for teaching others to manage their anger. The curriculum includes topics covering an overview of anger, assessment and progress tools, effective strategies for managing anger, 12-week guide for teaching groups or coaching individuals, marketing tips, facilitation skills and more! Register at http://www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/ for our upcoming trainer’s conference in September, 2007 and receive CEs!
Can I use this certification from What’s Good About Anger Institute to teach Anger Management classes?
…Yes, absolutely. Currently, there are no state laws that regulate anger management providers; therefore, any reputable, trained provider can offer certification.

What makes your organization reputable?
… The National Board of Certified Counselors and the Illinois Mental Health Counselors Association have both approved the What’s Good About Anger Institute Anger Management Trainer’s Conference for continuing education training (total 18 CEs) for LSWs, LCSWs, LPCs, LCPCs, LMFTs in Illinois and NCCs. Our program has been accepted and approved by the U.S. Probation Office in Tacoma, Washington and the McHenry County Probation office in Illinois. Our main trainers are experienced marriage and family counselors and anger management specialists: Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC and Steve Yeschek, LCSW. Lynette is the co-author of the What’s Good About Anger? first and second editions and the sole author of all the workbooks and trainer manuals. She has trained hundreds of clients, students and professionals in anger management.

The Anger Management Trainers Conference Sept. 20-21, 2007 (2 Day) Brochure
LThis conference co-sponsored by the Illinois Mental Health Counselors Association (IMHCA) and CounselCare Connection, P.C. provides anger management trainer certification for participants, and fresh, research-based methods for previously certified trainers. This program has been approved by the National Board for Certified Counselors and IMHCA for CEs.
Conference curriculum is based on the expanded 2006 edition of What’s Good About Anger?, the B.A.R.K. manual and the revised “What’s Good About Anger Advanced Trainer’s manual. Counselors, leaders, correctional and probation officers, pastors, facilitators and educators are invited to attend and learn effective anger management skills and techniques for motivating and educating clients and students! Trainees will gain skills for: assessing potential students, teaching effective and practical anger management techniques, facilitating groups, managing difficult behavior and more!

Register for this conference by downloading the PDF of Anger Management Trainer’s Conference description.
Call Lynette Hoy to register at: 708.524.3333, ext. 1.

Where do most anger management referrals come from?
…Interestingly, most anger management clients do not come from the courts. Most clients are either self-referred or referred by family members or their employer.

…Interestingly, most anger management clients do not come from the courts. Most clients are either self-referred or referred by family members or their employer.

…Interestingly, most anger management clients do not come from the courts. Most clients are either self-referred or referred by family members or their employer.

Will the courts accept this model?
There is no single model of anger management that is the accepted “standard” for state courts in any state courts in the country. There are various researchers and noted authors in anger management, who all have very different views of the strategies needed to effectively manage anger. Our model is quickly becoming more recognized and accepted as a leading intervention for anger management, and to date, we have not had a single participant of any of our programs turned away for using the What’s Good About Anger – Anger Management model, classes and distance-learning courses. Our model uses some of the research-based material from Dr. Gary Gintner’s Behavioral Anger Reduction Kit along with widely-accepted interventions and skills for anger management. If the viability of your program or agency is every questioned, you can quickly remind the courts that the model you are using has been accepted and approved by courts throughout the USA; is being recognized for training of U.S. Probation officers and is approved for the training (providing CEs) of mental health professionals nationally by NBCC and in Illinois by IMHCA.…Interestingly, most anger management clients do not come from the courts. Most clients are either self-referred or referred by their employer.

Is this the only certification training available to the public?
…There are many models and programs available now provided by reputable and experienced educators and professionals. I am a Diplomate with the American Association of Anger Management Providers and a Professional member of the National Anger Management Association. See http://www.aaamp.org/ and http://www.namass.org/ for their directory of providers and trainer programs. The What’s Good About Anger Institute offers an extremely high quality model with research-based interventions. Those trained by WGAA have had their programs and classes approved and accepted throughout the USA.

Why should I get certified as an Anger Management Trainer by the What’s Good About Anger Institute for Anger Management?
…This specialized training will assist you in working with clients, individuals and groups that specifically have issues relating to anger and stress management. Anger management is not psychotherapy; therefore, most clinicians are not properly trained to work with such clients. Our certification is ideal for educators, clinicians, parole, probation and correctional officers, clergy, substance abuse and domestic violence counselors, human resource managers and anyone who wants or needs to work helping clients with anger related problems. Our model uses proven and effective techniques to teaching clients skills using our copyrighted curriculum. WGAA students and clients all have demonstrated improvement using our skills and techniques. We are now quickly growing and offer excellent anger management training. We will actively help you understand how to market your organization, list you in our directory and provide discounts on all client workbooks and support materials. We provide individual support for our trainers and students!

Where can I find out more information on your certification trainings?
…Please contact Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC at: counselor@hoyweb.com or 708.524.3333. Visit the What’s Good About Anger shopping mall for a description of the conference for trainers or distance-learning trainer courses.

© copyright 2007 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection and National Certified Counselor. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger?and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Evil in Our Midst… 4/18/07

Posted on April 18, 2007 by Administrator

The Evil in Our Midst by Dr. Ray Pritchard

I am writing this note at 11:18 AM CDT on Wednesday, two days after the horrific massacre at Virginia Tech. The precise time doesn’t matter but somehow I feel that I must begin this way because of the weariness I feel in my heart. It reminds me how I felt in the days after 9/11. Somewhere in my personal journal, writing a few days after that catastrophic event, I noted how exhausted I felt, how angry and frustrated and yet how lethargic I was. I remember feeling embarrassed to write that, especially in a journal that no one else would see. I have since learned that my reactions were perfectly normal after an event of such magnitude. At first there is the shock and the sudden jump in adrenaline. Then you sit for hours watching the TV, getting the latest report, flipping from one channel to another until you have squeezed out every last bit of news, listened to every interview, pondered the timeline, heard the dissection of the killer’s mindset, and wondered at the strength of the good people who make up the Virginia Tech family. Eventually the mind grows weary from the sheer weight of what has happened.
Yesterday I was asked during a radio broadcast why bad things happen to good people. I answered by saying that no really knows the answer to that question, that the best minds in history have grappled with the problem of evil, and that we can’t draw a straight line from our knowledge to a troubled young man with two guns on Monday morning. To put the matter that way is not to say that there aren’t answers. Perspectives might be a better word. The Bible offers many perspectives on God and evil that help us in times like these. But inevitably we want more. Not just, why did this happen? But why now? Why here? Why did this person live and that person die? Why didn’t God stop it? Or why did he allow it? We have a son who is a senior in college. Like all parents, we worried about his safety and then stopped to think, “It could have happened at his school.”

One part of the Christian answer stresses that this world is not the way God created it. Evil has invaded the world and taken it over. … Read the rest of this blog post at: Keep Believing Ministries.

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Angry at God?…3/10/07

Posted on March 10, 2007 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Recently a client talked about how angry she is at God. God must be causing the depression and trials in her life. “He’s sovereign, isn’t He?”

This kind of question presupposes that since God is sovereign – He must be the cause of suffering. The Bible does teach that God is sovereign. But, the Bible teaches that God is not the author of evil. The Bible also teaches that God allows trials and suffering to come into our lives. Often, He uses trials to refine, chasten and discipline His children. But, what did Jesus say to the Pharisees who asked when someone born blind was before them: Who sinned? This man or his parents?
Jesus said, this condition was not caused by sin but, was allowed for the purpose of  bringing glory to God. Then, Jesus healed the man.

So, what can we say about depression and the trials of life? Could it be that these troubles are just a part of living in a broken world filled with sin and evil? Could it be that when a measure of healing comes through prayer and faith – that, once again, glory will be given to God?
And how can we be angry at God – the Creator, the Healer? Ultimately, we may be angry – but, it is disappointment that life is just not going the way we thought it would and it is a misunderstanding of how God works in a world filled with sin.

Consider how godly people approached the trials and troubles of life. We can pour out our anger to God as Naomi did in the Old Testament book of Ruth. She said, “don’t call me Naomi. Call me Mara (which means ‘bitter’) because the Lord’s hand has gone out against me.” She said this while lamenting the death her sons and husband to her friends. Naomi made the decision to move forward with her life and continued to do God’s will, giving survival lessons to Ruth (her Moabitess daughter-in-law) who had followed her back to Israel. God blessed Naomi – sending Boaz as the kinsmen redeemer who married Ruth. Ruth, a Gentile, had a son Obed with Boaz and  was grafted into the lineage of Jesus Christ!  In the end, Naomi became a happy Grandmother!

How can we continue to be angry at the only One Who is able to help us? May I implore you to not let your anger turn into unbelief. Pour out your hurt and anger to God but, keep believing. Keep trusting He will bring glory and purpose, building your character because of the situation you find yourself in. Read more about understanding suffering and more about how to Keep Believing .

© copyright 2007 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
~ Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC is a Diplomate with AAAMP; the President of CounselCare Connection, P.C. and the What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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Is it Anger or a Mental Condition?…3/5/07

Posted on March 5, 2007 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

What are some of the mental health conditions which could cause major anger symtoms?

For adults: Substance Use Disorders; Mood Disorders;
Intermittent Explosive Disorder; PTSD; Other Anxiety Disorder

Adolescents: Attention Deficit Disorder; Conduct Disorder; Oppositional – Defiant; Tourette’s.

Other underlying issues could include personality disorders and physical conditions such as: Hormonal Disturbance; Epilepsy;
Diabetes; Strokes; Tumor; Head Injury, etc.

Anger management education can be helpful for anyone who is serious about changing. But, if someone is struggling with these other issues – they should seek a professional evaluation, counseling and sometimes a physical exam.
See: www.nbcc.org for a counseling directory.
_________________
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, AAAMP; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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Anger’s Ugly Consequences….2-23-07

Posted on February 23, 2007 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

What have you lost because of your anger? Broken relationships? Jobs? Reputation? Money?  How can you commit to change and stop harmful anger and it’s ugly consequences?  Listen to today’s podcast on the consequences of anger and changes you can start making to make a difference in your life!

One of the reasons it is so important to contemplate consequences is that it gets you thinking about what you may have to give up or suffer because of your angry actions. No one wants a divorce or to fracture a loving relationship. No one wants to jeopardize their job or monetary income. It could be that you have already suffered some of these. Listen to this broadcast and think about the consequences you have endured because of your anger.

Maybe you’ve only disappointed someone or have had to apologize and you’ve been able to reconcile with the person you offended. This episode will help you count the cost of anger and motivate you to make the changes necessary to prevent further negative consequences keeping you from achieving those goals you treasure most in life.

Subscribe to the Quick Tips for Managing Anger podcast series on ITunes or by using this feed url: http://www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/podcasts.xml

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, AAAMP; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C., 708-524-3333, ext. 1
What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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“When Love Gets Angry” Podcast…2/14/07

Posted on February 14, 2007 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Listen to the Valentine’s Day podcast – When Love Gets Angry!  Discover why we hurt the ones we love so much and how to handle anger in healthier ways! Order the new Advanced Trainer 40 Hour Certificate course and the Teen Anger Management program!

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, AAAMP; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C., 708-524-3333, ext. 1
What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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Can’t Let Go of the Anger…2/7/07

Posted on February 7, 2007 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Question:
A while ago I cut somebody off in traffic and this person was upset. This person pulled up beside me at the next traffic light and I apologized but this person wasn’t having it. They started swearing and threatening me and usually in the past I would get out and this person would be eating through a straw for the next month. I couldn’t help myself but to start getting angry and yelling comments back at this person. Eventually we just drove on. The thing is it’s been a few weeks and I just can’t seem to let go what happened. I just keep thinking about it. I was wondering what are some ideas on how to deal with the reoccuring anger after the situation?Answer: Maybe you are dealing with guilt and wishing you had handled the situation with a ‘cool head’.  If that’s the case – you need to forgive yourself as well. And go to your Higher Power for wisdom and strength to forgive that person and yourself.

How about writing out the road rage event and identifying what you were thinking. Most likely, you had “hot self-talk”. Hot self-talk will cause you to react more angrily than you normally would.Maybe you began saying to yourself- “I can’t let that person disrespect and humiliate me that way!” “he needs to be told off”, etc. It’s time to start thinking differently.That other person may have a mental problem or may have had a very stressful day. So, how about telling yourself that.. Put yourself in their shoes. There’s a reason they got so mad but, that doesn’t mean it was justified or acceptable.The problem is that you could have provoked that person more with your rage and if he had a weapon – you might have landed in the hospital.

When someone gets that enraged- it’s best to back off for your own protection. He can’t think straight and you won’t solve the issue then. Road rage leads to violence – don’t become one of it’s victims.
_________________
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, AAAMP; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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