Vengeful Anger.. 12/20/06

Posted on December 20, 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Question: I just “outed” my father on a message board; he’s a legend in the music industry and people think he’s a god. He has abused me all of my life and it feels so good to tell the truth about what a monster he is. God, it feels so good. It was scary at first, because my inner child has NEVER been able to vent any anger but I’m feeling better about it now. I recently found out he has a failing heart and the first thing that went through my mind is “The monster is dying!” Has anyone else felt this way? Answer:
Dear Friend, I’m not sure what you mean when you say: “the monster is dying!”? Are you relieved? Is there some feeling of empathy towards your father – though he has caused you so much pain?
I wonder if you can start the road towards healing right now? What will it take to forgive him? Would you consider taking steps to confront him with your hurt and pain without hostility or hate and tell him you want to reconcile? What will it be like after he is dead? Will you regret that you never tried to forgive and reconcile?
My father was abusive towards us. I learned with the help of God to forgive him – it was a great relief and brought healing.
Read about The Power of Forgiveness.
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” M. McCourt

Forgiveness is a choice and it is a process. It sounds like your parents’ issues (addictions, narcissism?, etc.) prevent them from having healthy relationships.
The perspective I took about my father was that he was lost – a sinner – unable to change unless he wanted to change. I looked at him as the ‘real victim’ of himself and satan. It helped me to get past the hurt and forgive.
I’m not into ‘cheap forgiveness’. I believe one needs to confront the perpetrator and hold him/her responsible. Forgiveness doesn’t mean there are no consequences for the offender.
Sounds like you have turned the anger you feel into hatred. But, since you asked this question – I wonder if you are wanting to begin working through the turmoil of the past? It will take time because it is a grieving process. May God bless you and bring complete healing to your life.
_________________
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, AAAMP; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources

It sounds like your parents’ issues (addictions, narcissism?, etc.) prevent them from having healthy relationships.The perspective I took about my father was that he was lost – a sinner – unable to change unless he wanted to change. I looked at him as the ‘real victim’ of himself and satan. It helped me to get past the hurt and forgive.I’m not into ‘cheap forgiveness’. I believe one needs to confront the perpetrator and hold him/her responsible. Forgiveness doesn’t mean there are no consequences for the offender.Sounds like you have turned the anger you feel into hatred. But, since you asked this question – I wonder if you are wanting to begin working through the turmoil of the past? It will take time because it is a grieving process. May God bless you and bring complete healing to your life._________________Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, NAMA Diplomate, ; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.

Posted in Anger Management | Comments Off on Vengeful Anger.. 12/20/06

Understanding Anger Management – 12/17/06

Posted on December 17, 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Question:
I saw this anger continuum was mentioned, but so far I haven’t been able to find a clear description of what it is?
I’ve googled, and this produces long articles – so I still don’t know – what is the anger continuum? thanks.

Answer:
Dear Friend, Maybe you are asking – what is the process of anger? My understanding is that anger really is a secondary emotion to fear, hurt, frustration, sadness, etc. Usually the initial emotion is fear- someone or something threatens you, your esteem or goals.  Anger itself is an emotion ranging from frustration to aggression and violence. Anger can often be harmful therefore, people need to and can learn appropriate ways to manage anger.

Once the anger kicks in – you have to identify whether the issue is important and how to respond. When people don’t respond in healthy ways such as using assertive communication – anger may be turned into aggression or depression.

Anger is a normal emotion but, for most people, it becomes too extreme and happens too often. Why? Because there are so many other internal and external causes for anger such as:
1. false beliefs and assumptions, ie., “I must be right” or “It has to be fair”.
2. cognitive distortions like: jumping to conclusions or mind-reading; magnifying events, etc.
3. biases and misappraisals of events.
4. stress

Anger is an emotion which can be valid and an indicator that something is wrong – but, it can easily get out-of-control.

Corrected thinking, taking a time-out to evaluate issues and learning to communicate assertively with respect are keys to managing anger.

There are lots of resources available for a better understanding or anger. Visit our site for resources: What’s Good About Anger Institute

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, AAAMP; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources

Posted in Anger Management, Courses | Comments Off on Understanding Anger Management – 12/17/06

Too Angry to Forgive…12/13/06

Posted on December 13, 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Question:
I was raised in an fearful, threatening, condesending homelife. While I’m now over 50 years old the wounds and hurt have never gone away and have been reminders that always left me wondering if I was that stupid, ugly, or deformed to not have love and respect. In short my father was disconnected from me most of the time and when he did connect it was with a slap, a strap or a fist.

My mother taunted me with her love and would use it to manipulate me. ” I will love you only if you” fill in the rest. She weilded her love like a weapon. Basically saying, no one else could love you so take the love I give because I’m the only one who does, but you have to do this for me. My existence in my family was always conditional. You may have a place to sleep but you have to shovel snow. You may have food to eat but you have to clean the bathrooms. My brothers did nothing and didn’t have to but watch out if I missed mowing the lawn or vaccuming the rugs. It wasn’t enough to be an honor student, champion swimmer and have part time jobs in high school and college. I was still the invisible child and basically never wanted. It hurt to understand this because you never really admitted these things when you were younger because all you wanted to do is survive. I’m not sure if I can ever really forgive as the pain is all too crushing.
What do you think? Thanks for letting me vent.
_________________

Answer:
Dear Friend, my heart goes out to you. I grew up in a violent home and can identify with the fear and suffering you experienced.
A lot of things helped me move on in my life including my faith.
One grief expert said something that really helped me: “you can’t go back. You can’t stay where you are. You must move forward.”If you keep dwelling on the pain – you will continue to hurt. It’s awful what happened to you – but, forgiveness is your only way out – the only way you will heal and become a whole person. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone what happened to you but, it means you choose to let go of the anger towards those who have hurt you. You may need counseling to help you work through this but, let your experience make you a better and stonger person. Don’t let your parents’ offenses control your emotional, mental and spiritual health.
Resentment will hold you back from the future and keep you ensnared in the past.
Someone wrote:
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”You can gain a lot from your childhood. You can be the person who breaks the cycle of ‘conditional love’ and abuse.
You can be the one who rises to a higher standard of living and loving. You can gain courage to move forward and live a better life.
I pray that you will!
_________________
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, AAAMP; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
What’s Good About Anger Institute podcasts and resources

Posted in Anger Management, Forgiveness | Comments Off on Too Angry to Forgive…12/13/06

Is Anger Always Sinful? 12/11/06

Posted on December 11, 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC

I had the opportunity to interview Dr. Ray Pritchard, President of Keep Believing Ministries on the topic of anger and sin. You can listen to this interesting podcast at: Quick Tips for Managing Anger.

Subscribe to our podcasts with this address/link: http://www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/podcasts.xml and visit the What’s Good About Anger Institute for all our anger management resources and courses.

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, is a marriage and family counselor with CounselCare Connection, P.C. and a Diplomate with the American Association of Anger Management Providers. She is co-author of both editions of What’s Good About Anger? and the author of various manuals and certificate course in anger management.

Posted in Anger Management | Comments Off on Is Anger Always Sinful? 12/11/06

Road Rage Remedy! 12/3/06

Posted on December 3, 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Are you a “Road Rager” or a “Borderline Road Rager”? Is your emotional brain in charge of your driving or your frontal cortex? It’s time to train your brain to be in charge when you are behind the wheel. Listen to this current podcast: Road Rage Remedy.© copyright 2006 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist and Diplomate with the Amer. Assoc. of Anger Management Providers. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for conferences, community, women’s and church organizations.
Posted in Anger Management, Rage | Leave a comment

Road Rage Tirade!

Posted on November 29, 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Do you struggle with Road Rage? Do you tail-gate, yell, give rude gestures to other drivers who offend you? Listen to this new podcast on Road Rage Tirade! and learn how to control your anger behind the wheel!© copyright 2006 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist and Diplomate with the Amer. Assoc. of Anger Management Providers. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for conferences, community, women’s and church organizations.
Posted in Anger Management, Rage | Leave a comment

What IS Good About Anger?

Posted on November 26, 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
New anger podcast: What Is Good About Anger? Lynette describes how anger, an emotion which is often harmful, can be transformed into something good and constructive and even bring about conflict resolution!

© copyright 2006 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist and Diplomate with the Amer. Assoc. of Anger Management Providers. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for conferences, community, women’s and church organizations

Posted in Anger Management | Leave a comment

What does Emotional Intelligence have to do with Anger? podcast

Posted on November 23, 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
How high is your EQ? Did you know that EQ is more important for success than IQ? Listen to the latest Quick Tips for Managing Anger podcast: Managing Anger with EI!

© copyright 2006 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist and Diplomate with the Amer. Assoc. of Anger Management Providers. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for conferences, community, women’s and church organizations

Posted in Anger Management | Leave a comment