Question:
| where do i start? why do i feel like i feel? wrote on here not long back but the anger is getting worse. the worse time is when i’ve got pms. but all the time its there building up ready to blow. i take it out on my best friend when its gets bad in hope she’ll realise and understand but she doesnt and i think i’ve blown our friendship. she wont answer my calls or my texts and I feel pushed away by her. i care about her and its hurting me not being able to explain why. i dont know why myself this happens and i just need to know so i can sit her down and explain. i am a text-a-holic and do stress when i dont get a text back. everytime am angry i reach for my phone and i text her. i forget about it and then realise that actually i have done something wrong when she texts me saying she doesnt take to kindly to a text like that. what do i do now? its killing me not hearing from her and i can’t sleep. just once i wanna be able to relax and feel that everything is ok and i have something to look forward to.how do you deal with it? i just dont wanna feel alone in this and really need an anger buddy to let out steam when am ready to blow. |
Answer: Dear Friend, it sounds like you don’t have a problem identifying and expressing your anger – it’s the way you do it that’s the real problem.
Most people just blow-up or sound-off when they are angry and it turns-off the listener. We all want respect and to be loved. But, you need to show the love and respect to others that you are looking to get back.
Being curt and focusing only on your needs and goals will not get you what you really want – relationship harmony, intimacy and success. In fact, statistics prove that IQ is no longer the key to success in life.
The key to successful living is EI: emotional intelligence.
Everyone needs to learn to identify and manage his/her own emotions well, be self-motivated to achieve goals (but, not pushy), be able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes – to understand their viewpoint and feelings (empathy) and then, develop healthy social and relationship skills.
Most people with explosive anger are self-focused and have little insight into themselves, their anger triggers, cognitive distortions and underlying emotions.
Here are some practical tips:
Choose some acceptable ways to express your anger using “respectful assertiveness” and empathy techniques.
Write out some of the scenarios which have caused you to become angry.
What were the issues? Were the issues legitimate (or did you personalize, magnify them or mind-read)?
How did you respond?
How could you have expressed your feelings and needs in a respecfully assertive (direct, open) way? Ex: “I felt disappointed/frustrated when you didn’t call me back for hours.”
What could you have said to demonstrate you understood what your partner was going through? Ex: “Maybe you were busy at work or misunderstood me and felt upset too?”
How could you have worked towards a reasonable solution or made a request? Ex: “Would it be possible for you to contact me in a couple of hours or in the evening? And maybe I’ll try to keep my messages and contacts down to once or twice a day. Would that help?”
Consider reading some anger management books or resources so you can learn practical relationship skills.
During PMS you will have low levels of estrogen. Decrease your stress and take care of yourself – exercising and eating nutritiously. Realize that decreased estrogen will affect your mood and cause irritability, fatigue and depression.
In regards to the text-messaging … this is addictive for you – so consider using other ways to communicate. Keep a journal so you can reflect on your thoughts and feelings and then, write out how to express them in a thoughtful, caring way.
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, AAAMP; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources