Anger Management Institute Blog

Question:
I have a problem and I hope someone here can give me some advice on it. I have bpd with some npd traits, and and I have severe mood swings sometimes. I know mood swings are very normal/common for people with bpd, but it is really the anger outbursts that are worrying me. I have always been a very reserved, quiet kind of person. most of the time, when I am not having a mood swing or feeling depressed or whatever, I feel like a perfectly calm-cool-and-collected kind of person. I try my best to be mature about my problems and make sure that people don’t know all of the stuff that is going on inside of me. even now i still have troubles talking in public and making friends and expressing my opinion (in real life anyway), and even when feel upset or anxious, or I get really paranoid and I feel that people are taking advantage of me or trying to hurt me, I can’t confront people, no matter how upset it makes me. I just kind of stuff it all inside. especially at work or around people I don’t know that well (sometimes I really get so angry inside I can hear the screaming in my head, and my face turns red, and all i can think about is storming out of my job in a glorious self-righteous fury, or throwing a chair out the window or even at one of my co-workers, or just screaming at people I don’t know for no good reason). but sometimes I will snap. I mean really snap, into very physically violent behavior. mostly around friends and family. something will happen, or I will remember something from my past ( I had a very rough childhood), or someone will make some off-hand comment that doesn’t really mean anything, and I will lose all control over my emotions instantly. I will have crying fits.
Then if anyone, usually my husband trying to talk me down, says anything to further upset me, my head spins and I can’t see straight and I will start to scream and cry and bash my head into the wall or hit and scratch him uncontrollably. I also throw things, burn myself, pull my hair, etc. all out of anger. mostly at myself. and it usually escalates as I realize how much I am embarrasing myself.
I just get more and more angry and upset. It’s like I turn into a tornado of fire that destroys everything it touches (sorry to be melodramatic)! is this just my bpd or is it related to something else? When I have an anger outburst I feel so helpless and out of control! it very frightening, no matter how many times it happens it is always a complete suprise. and no matter how many times i promise myself that i will never do it again, i am unable to stop myself. afterwards I can hardly remember anything that I said or did out of anger. iIactually feel perfectly fine, if not better than usual, after an anger outburst. Why is this happening? How do i stop doing this? i just want some advice on how to cope without destroying my relationship with my husband and the few friends I do have, and without destroying myself in the process.
Signed, In TurmoilAnswer:
Dear In Turmoil,
thanks for posting your question. I believe much of the problem with anger has to do with your mental health issues.
On the other hand, it seems like “holding in” your feelings is not working and that learning to be assertive and expressing your feelings early-on could help defuse your anger.Hidden anger and negative feelings will trigger unhealthy behavior and consequences. Anger management skills and training should be combined with professional counseling and medication when someone is struggling with underlying mental health issues.

Why not try to log your anger and find out the triggers and what some options might be for your response. Maybe there are times in the past that you did control your anger. What helped? What did you do differently?I have found that most people have some coping skills for their anger but, they don’t use them consistently.

Learning to communicate your thoughts, needs and feelings more openly and early-on rather than later may be a key for helping to manage your anger.

© copyright 2006 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Question:
Hi, I’m not quite sure what to say. I just know I need help. I don’t know if I have a disorder or something, but I know I do have anger issues. I get moody a lot and can change from being happy to be depressed, but not extremely. Okay, let me try to explain: I go to my girlfriend’s house every other weekend or so, while I am there, its like I pick fights with her for no reason, I push her away for no reason. It is probably because I am scared, but I don’t know. I can see myself getting mad at her or just getting mad in general (I don’t think I’m ever actually mad at her) but its like the anger is inside of me and I can’t stop it. I want to leave her house because I feel guilty, but I also want to stay. I want to talk to her about my feelings and I try, but sometimes in order to hide my sadness or my fear, I just get mad instead. I don’t know why this happens. I do it a lot when we are together, and I have hurt her both emotionally and physically (not too bad, but still) I don’t know what to do, I don’t understand. I want to be better, but I don’t know where to start. I’m tired of being angry. Of feeling out of control, of hurting her. I want to be with her and love her more than anything but I can’t keep hurting her. I can’t keep doing this. Anyone have any suggestions, any advice, comments, help tips, anything. I also do read a lot, so any self-help book recommendations would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Answer:
Dear Friend, You wrote: “I want to talk to her about my feelings and I try, but sometimes in order to hide my sadness or my fear, I just get mad instead. I don’t know why this happens.”

I believe you just answered your question. Many people turn underlying emotions into anger. The emotion we feel first is the anger because it’s the strongest. I recommend getting in touch with the underlying feelings of frustration, disappointment, loneliness, fear and expressing these to your girlfriend.

Write out what happened the last time you were together.
What triggered your anger?
What was the underlying issue and your feeling about it?
Were you upset because she criticized or disrespected you? Or did she not meet some expectation you had?
How did you feel about it? Disappointed? Hurt? Let down?
How could you have approached her about it? Maybe you needed to take a time-out to think over the issue and whether it was valid.

Then, you could have used the ASERT technique to gently and respectfully confront her – working towards a solution and better understanding. Scott Stanley – co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage, Twelve Hours to a Great Marriage and A Lasting Promise – states that 80 % of couples’ issues don’t need resolution – they need more understanding, validation and clarification.

If you and your girlfriend can get deeper by talking out and discussing how situations make you feel – you will feel less irritable, misunderstood and angry. On the other hand, it could be that you have a nagging doubt as to whether this gal is the right one for you. In that case, it may be helpful to take a break from it and decide whether to continue in the relationship.
If this is real love – you need to discover how to communicate more effectively and work on healthy relationship skills. Read about how to control your temper.

You may also be struggling with depression for some reason and need to see a professional counselor. See www.aacc.net for a directory of counselors.

Why not order some of the resources which will teach you more skills for managing anger and conflict from these sites: What’s Good About Anger Institute . God bless!

© copyright 2006 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Question:
My wife & I are struggling we have been married 4 years & she always seems to get her feelings hurt & I am not sure how. We have a 3 year old daughter she is the sweetest little thing & I dont want are fights to ruin her innocence. Today we had a disagreement I tried to explain why &how I misunderstood apparently I am backhanded in my comments & hurt her feelings. I can see this could be true yet I feel I have the right to explain things in the search of undertanding yet most times I would like to drop it. Still I just want the fighting to stop. I just dont know

Answer:
Dear Friend, I suggest that when you know a conflict is beginning to escalate – you and your wife agree to take a time-out. During the time-out (30 min.-one hour) you can evaluate what is happening:
1. What is the issue?
2. Is it legitimate?
3. Can I make a reasonable request?
4. What options or other choices might be available to resolve this issue?
5. Was I harsh or disrespectful? If so, I can apologize for my behavior.

Most of the time, couples get angry at “how” something was said or done by their partner. Then, the real issue never gets resolved because you get ‘side-tracked’.
And most couples have difficulty saying “I’m sorry” because they haven’t learned a forgiveness process.

Most issues can be resolved when couples keep their cool, treat each other respectfully, don’t make assumptions or mind-read, stick to the issue and apologize when it’s necessary.

Consider ordering some of the resources which will teach more skills for managing anger and conflict from : What’s Good About Anger Institute . God bless!

© copyright 2006 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Question: how i can control my anger?
I hate to having a quick temper since it effects my relationship with my boyfriend in a bad way. i cant control my feelings and i get angry very easily and i cant let things go and sometimes i want to hurt people physically. when i am angry i tell them to not to touch me but actually i want their attention and when they listen to me and not touch i get more angry.. how i can control this?Answer:
Dear Friend, you need to take a time-out whenever you recognize something triggering your anger. Once you are in your time-out… think over what is troubling you – what is the issue? Determine a reasonable request you can make.
I also recommend learning relaxation and stress management skills. You are dealing with very explosive anger and you may need professional counseling for it.

What’s the cause of your anger? People get angry over disappointed expectations, cognitive distortions or “hot self-talk”. It’s important to explore what is going on underneath the anger and work on changing your expectations, distortions or self-talk. Think about taking an anger management course or at least ordering a book or resource to help you gain skills for managing your anger. Check out the Good Anger site for resources. God bless!

© copyright 2006 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

FAQs about Anger Management Trainer Certification through the Anger Management Institute:What is Anger Management Trainer Certification? The What’s Good About Anger Institute Training Course offers certification in anger management to mental health counselors, social workers, pastors, educators, probation and law enforcement officers through our distance-learning courses and training conferences. These programs provide students with skills for teaching others to manage their anger. The curriculum provides you with an overview of anger, assessment and progress tools, effective strategies for managing anger, 12-week guide for teaching groups or coaching individuals, marketing tips, facilitation skills and more! Register at http://www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/ for our upcoming trainer’s conference in September, 2007 and receive CEs!

Can I use this certification from What’s Good About Anger Institute to teach Anger Management classes?
…Yes, absolutely. Currently, there are no state laws that regulate anger management providers; therefore, any reputable, trained provider can offer certification.

What makes your organization reputable?
… The National Board of Certified Counselors and the National Association of Social Workers have both approved the Anger Management Institute  Trainer’s workshops for continuing education training (total 12 CEs) for LSWs, LCSWs, LPCs, LCPCs, LMFTs in Illinois and NCCs. Our program has been accepted and approved by the U.S. Probation Office in Tacoma, Washington and the McHenry County Probation office in Illinois. Our main trainers are experienced marriage and family counselors and anger management specialists: Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC and Steve Yeschek, LCSW. Lynette is the co-author of the What’s Good About Anger? all 3 editions and the sole author of all the workbooks and trainer manuals. She has trained hundreds of clients, students and professionals in anger management.

Will the courts accept this model?
There is no single model of anger management that is the accepted “standard” for state courts in any state courts in the country. There are various researchers and noted authors in anger management, who all have very different views of the strategies needed to effectively manage anger. Our model is quickly becoming more recognized and accepted as a leading intervention for anger management, and to date, we have not had a single participant of any of our programs turned away for using the What’s Good About Anger – Anger Management model, classes and distance-learning courses. Our model uses some of the research-based material from Dr. Gary Gintner’s Behavioral Anger Reduction Kit along with widely-accepted interventions and skills for anger management. If the viability of your program or agency is every questioned, you can quickly remind the courts that the model you are using has been accepted and approved by courts throughout the USA; is being recognized for training of U.S. Probation officers and is approved for the training (providing CEs) of mental health professionals nationally by NBCC and in Illinois by IMHCA.Where do most anger management referrals come from?
…Interestingly, most anger management clients do not come from the courts. Most clients are either self-referred or referred by their employer.

Is this the only certification training available to the public?
...There are many models and programs available now provided by reputable and experienced educators and professionals. I am a Diplomate, Supervisor, Consultant and Certified Anger Management Specialist-IV with the National Anger Management Association. See http://www.namass.org/ for their directory of providers and trainer programs. The What’s Good About Anger Institute offers an extremely high quality model with research-based interventions. Those trained by WGAA have had their programs and classes approved and accepted throughout the USA.

>Why should I get certified as an Anger Management Trainer by the What’s Good About Anger Institute for Anger Management?
…This specialized training will assist you in working with clients, individuals and groups that specifically have issues relating to anger and stress management. Anger management is not psychotherapy; therefore, most clinicians are not properly trained to work with such clients. Our certification is ideal for educators, clinicians, parole, probation and correctional officers, clergy, substance abuse and domestic violence counselors, human resource managers and anyone who wants or needs to work helping clients with anger related problems. Our model uses proven and effective techniques to teaching clients skills using our copyrighted curriculum. WGAA students and clients all have demonstrated improvement using our skills and techniques. We are now quickly growing and offer excellent anger management training. We will actively help you understand how to market your organization, list you in our directory and provide discounts on all client workbooks and support materials. We provide individual support for our trainers and students!

Where can I find out more information on your certification trainings?
…Please contact Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC at: counselor@hoyweb.com or 630-368-1880. Visit the Anger Management Institute shopping mall for a description of the workshops for trainers or distance-learning trainer courses.

© copyright 2007 by Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

What impact do expectations have on anger and frustration in our lives?Consider these scenarios… Your friend stands you up for a luncheon. You immediately feel humiliated, rejected and disrespected. Later on, you discover that she/he had a flat tire and was stuck on the road, unable to call you because she/he couldn’t find your number.

What’s the expectation? That your friend would keep the appointment with you because “friends care and keep their promises”.
Your spouse comes home from golfing or playing tennis. You think: now, we can finally spend some time together. But, your spouse is tired and wants to take a nap.
What’s the expectation? When my spouse takes time out to have some fun – he/she should care enough about me to be together. Thus, spouses have a responsibility to spend equal or more time with their mates than, with others. Can you identify with either of these situations?

What happens when your expectations are disappointed? You will begin to feel angry, frustrated and resentful towards your friend or mate.

How can you work through these frustrations?

• Check out whether it’s valid to hold the expectations you have, first of all. Then, ask yourself: “what’s a reasonable request I can make to alleviate my anger?”
• How can I lower my expectations? Is it realistic to hold the expectations I have? If so, how can my friend/spouse and I work it out?
• Use the ASERT approach to communicate your needs.
• Ask yourself: How can I demonstrate unconditional love in these situations vs. dwelling on my needs and expectations? Do I have a right to expect this from my partner/friend?

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Question:
the main problem is my anger at my dying father. My brother lives with him (but pays his own way) and no matter what my father does – he defends everything. It’s even gotten to the point that my father is putting me down when we talk, my brother and I aren’t speaking because he lied to me regarding a life altering decision I had to make and then backed out but he didn’t have the guts to do it so he got my dad to do it for me. My problem is I’m so angry and hurt by the way my father is acting, I’m taking it out on my husband and daughter. I’m afraid if I confront him we will have such a blowout that we will not speak and then he will die and I will never forgive myself. But yet I can’t continue on this way, I don’t know what to do, I know dealing with a dying parent is hard because I’ve been thru that with my mom, I just feel like my father had turned on me and I don’t know why, when I try to talk to him about this he denies everything.

Answer:
Here are some possible steps you can take to approach your father.
Write these out first before approaching him.
Ask yourself: what has occurred that caused you to feel hurt or angry? State it in behavioral terms: “Dad, I need to talk with you. I felt so hurt/angry when you ……(say whatever he said or did. Don’t use any characterizations or labels)”.

Then, think about how it has affected your life and the feelings underneath. “I have been unable to get over the anger and forgive you and have felt so distant from you… ”
What do you want from your Dad now? “I wish we could reconcile. I know I probably have hurt you in some ways and want so much for us to be at peace with each other…”

What is the worst thing that can happen? Maybe your Dad will get angry and end the conversation. But, you will have tried to express yourself and reconcile with him. The most important aspect of all of this is that you can get over your anger. You can forgive and let it go even if your Dad doesn’t hear or acknowledge you.
Read about dealing with anger, developing communication and forgiveness. God bless!

Response:
I did bring up some of the subjects that are bothering me, in a casual conversational way so as to ease into the whole thing. He started laughing-which of course really hurt me and I ended up telling him I was glad he found it amusing because I didn’t and said I love you and I’m hanging up now-which I did. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that it seems like lately no matter what I do he has something negative to say about it, it’s like a mimic of my brother. Why my brother seems to have so much influence over him I don’t know but he does. They are both still great to my daughter but I’ve never allowed her relationship with them to be brought into our little squabbles. I do think I will try some of what you have suggested, I will write it down then try to talk to him. I think he may be angry with me because I don’t see him much, I moved to be closer to be near him and I see him less than I did.

Answer:
Try to understand what he is going through: It could also be that your father has been depressed for a long time. Often, anger is a manifestation of depression. Still, once you have said what’s on your heart, let it go and forgive.
Forgiveness is an unnatural act. In fact it’s supernatural. You’ll discover that forgiveness frees you from ruminating on the past and being a victim. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you should tolerate abuse though. You can forgive and still set boundaries with others.

It’s obvious you love him because he has the power to hurt you deeply. He’s suffering now and even if he makes fun of something you say or denies it – you can say to yourself “it’s his way of covering up the pain” just like he has in the past. He can’t handle the consequences of his actions and doesn’t have the skills to deal with difficult relationships especially now that he is facing death. He needs his family – he needs you – but, can’t reach out because he doesn’t know how.

Put yourself in his shoes. Once you do that, you’ll be motivated to forgive and demonstrate love to someone who has treated you like an enemy.

© copyright 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, P.C., a speaker and the co-author of the book: What’s Good About Anger?