My wife & I are struggling we have been married 4 years & she always seems to get her feelings hurt & I am not sure how. We have a 3 year old daughter she is the sweetest little thing & I dont want are fights to ruin her innocence. Today we had a disagreement I tried to explain why &how I misunderstood apparently I am backhanded in my comments & hurt her feelings. I can see this could be true yet I feel I have the right to explain things in the search of undertanding yet most times I would like to drop it. Still I just want the fighting to stop. I just dont know
Answer:
Dear Friend, I suggest that when you know a conflict is beginning to escalate – you and your wife agree to take a time-out. During the time-out (30 min.-one hour) you can evaluate what is happening:
1. What is the issue?
2. Is it legitimate?
3. Can I make a reasonable request?
4. What options or other choices might be available to resolve this issue?
5. Was I harsh or disrespectful? If so, I can apologize for my behavior.
Most of the time, couples get angry at “how” something was said or done by their partner. Then, the real issue never gets resolved because you get ‘side-tracked’.
And most couples have difficulty saying “I’m sorry” because they haven’t learned a forgiveness process.
Most issues can be resolved when couples keep their cool, treat each other respectfully, don’t make assumptions or mind-read, stick to the issue and apologize when it’s necessary.
Consider ordering some of the resources which will teach more skills for managing anger and conflict from : What’s Good About Anger Institute . God bless!
© copyright 2006 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations