Dear Everyone, I need some help. You see, I am 19 years old…and sure, I’ve been through a lot, but that’s life right? Well, my father was a very violent man…in turn my brother is…the thing about me though, is that I am incredibly angry and violent towards myself.
Any little thing goes wrong and I freak out…(I was a cutter for years…but I am talking more about beating myself). I tend to be incredibly edgy with others when I am in this state…and I snap back at them. I would never hurt them…but I am in the sense of psychological stress from having to deal with me. I just can’t believe some of the stupid things I do or say…the kind of inconsiderate bulls*** that i have come to be known for.
I am incredibly disappointed in myself and wish myself to change. But it all seems so overwhelming. The bruises I have on my body(mostly from pushing myself into walls, purposely falling down stairs, punching myself…all forms of punishment)…I have been questioned about (being 19, I can usually find something else to blame it on…moshpits or fights with the bro) but I don’t want people to notice that…I want people to see the girl that is somewhere inside of me…the one that is pretty cool…if she even still exists. Not quite sure if any of this made sense. I’m just hoping to find a way to deal with this. I have never seen a counsellor, basically, because I cannot afford it, and the other reason is because I don’t think I am far-gone enough to see one. so…any advice?
Answer:
Dear Shattered,
Thank you for posting your question. It’s obvious that you are hurting very badly inside. That your emotional distress has caused you to take out your anger, rage, grief, helplessness, hopelessness, resentment, hurt, inner pain and unfulfilled needs on yourself. Someone else suffering with similar issues wrote: “i self injure because i have so much pain and anger built up inside and i don’t have or know any other way of letting it out.”
These acts of self-punishment are not working. You are continuing the acts of the perpetrators in your life by becoming one – only towards yourself. You do have a great need for counseling in order to explore how to grieve the past abuse and how to stop abusing yourself.
You can no longer bury these wounds. Unexpressed grief will come out in unhealthy and destructive ways. When anger is not expressed assertively – it turns into depression or aggression. My opinion is that your anger has turned into both. And when depression is not treated – it increases. It does not go away.
We are made with a grief mechanism. As humans we need to feel the pain inside – the anger, sadness, disappointment, loneliness, etc. It is healthy to feel the emotions and then, express these to others. We need to be heard and validated.
You also need to work through the victim syndrome that has occurred. When one is abused – the psyche is affected and one feels like she/he has no control.
When you feel like a victim -you will try to gain control – even when your behavior is not healthy or effective.
As you can see… there are many issues to work through. I would challenge your statement : “I don’t think I am far-gone enough to see one (counselor)”. This sounds like denial and minimization of your issues. How much further will you journey into depression and self-mutilation before you get help?
You need intervention now. There are community mental health services available which provide a sliding scale for counseling. Take advantage of it. Also, many health care plans include mental health coverage for counseling. I suspect that you will need to consider medication for your depression. See your family doctor for an evaluation. Many times churches have counseling centers or the pastor will meet and pray with you. Consider all the resources available including books, articles, etc. See this site for advice and answers to various issues. Consider ordering What’s Good About Anger?. You need to discover how to rebuild your self worth. Read the book: The Search for Significance by Robert McGee. See this site for Self-Injury resources. God bless you as decide to make changes in your life and get the help you need to recover from your abusive past and present.
~ © copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection and National Certified Counselor. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.