Question: Hello I’m new.. I’m having a really hard time right now dealing with my anger stress and frustration. I have a husband that I feel like I have to prod along in everything , a 15 year old stepdaughter that lives with us now and who never really even talks to me . She is only nice to me if I buy her things. She lies to us on a regular basis and most times is down right rude to people. Her mother has given us problems throughout our 6 years of marrage and my husband and his family before me. One drama after another with the whole situation.
Here I was the one to tell my husband to have her stay the school year with us after seeing her disturbing website. basically she fought all the time with her crazy mom who ended up puting her on Prozac, she did pot, alcohol and had already had sex by the time she was 14 when she llived with her mom. anyways i’m thouroughly stressed out with the whole situation most days but her being here was mostly my fault so what the hell can i really say.
My biggest regret currently though is that I let all that **** preoccupy my time while my mom was stuck at home dying of lung cancer. About month ago she fell and broke her hip and surgury wasn’t an option because of the advanced cancer so the sent her home and she died a week later. Its been just over 2 weeks now and Im so angy and sad!!!! I wasted time stressing and dealing with my step daughter her mom and my husband sooo much I didn’t spend enough time with my mom. When I was over to visit her I was just venting about my stress. I’m soooo angry I’ve been lashing out and feel my life is so messed up.
Along with all that we are struggling financially and her mom doesn’t want to pay what the child support office has calculated for her. Now we have a hearing Friday so she can rant about why she shouldn’t have to pay as much as the state has calculated. I currenlt take Xanax for bouts of social anxiety and lately have been taking them more just to curb the rage I feel.
I am seriously behind at work because of all the time I took off when my mom fell. I don’t have any sick time so I just get docked now. I’m also being reviewed at work to make sure I am doing my job right.All because of my bosses lawsuit for something that REALLY doesn’t even involve me. Im also supposed to be taking classes online as part of my work and have barely started and Im already way behind.
I feel like i just want to run away and finish greiving for my mom, away from all the stress my husband and his baggage brings into my life. I know im ranting, sorry just wanted to get it out. There’s plenty more but i’ll leave it at this today . Thanks for letting me in.
Here I was the one to tell my husband to have her stay the school year with us after seeing her disturbing website. basically she fought all the time with her crazy mom who ended up puting her on Prozac, she did pot, alcohol and had already had sex by the time she was 14 when she llived with her mom. anyways i’m thouroughly stressed out with the whole situation most days but her being here was mostly my fault so what the hell can i really say.
My biggest regret currently though is that I let all that **** preoccupy my time while my mom was stuck at home dying of lung cancer. About month ago she fell and broke her hip and surgury wasn’t an option because of the advanced cancer so the sent her home and she died a week later. Its been just over 2 weeks now and Im so angy and sad!!!! I wasted time stressing and dealing with my step daughter her mom and my husband sooo much I didn’t spend enough time with my mom. When I was over to visit her I was just venting about my stress. I’m soooo angry I’ve been lashing out and feel my life is so messed up.
Along with all that we are struggling financially and her mom doesn’t want to pay what the child support office has calculated for her. Now we have a hearing Friday so she can rant about why she shouldn’t have to pay as much as the state has calculated. I currenlt take Xanax for bouts of social anxiety and lately have been taking them more just to curb the rage I feel.
I am seriously behind at work because of all the time I took off when my mom fell. I don’t have any sick time so I just get docked now. I’m also being reviewed at work to make sure I am doing my job right.All because of my bosses lawsuit for something that REALLY doesn’t even involve me. Im also supposed to be taking classes online as part of my work and have barely started and Im already way behind.
I feel like i just want to run away and finish greiving for my mom, away from all the stress my husband and his baggage brings into my life. I know im ranting, sorry just wanted to get it out. There’s plenty more but i’ll leave it at this today . Thanks for letting me in.
Answer: Dear Friend, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. You need to take care of your self first by allowing yourself to grieve.
You have good reasons for being angry but, you can use that energy positively to solve the problems you are facing. The issues with your step-daughter also need to be resolved by going to counseling with your husband. Unless and until your husband gets involved in disciplining her – your efforts will be futile. The only way is for you and your husband to work as a team and set the household rules along with privileges for good behavior and consequences for misbehavior.
If your husband will not go to counseling – you can learn to set boundaries and assert yourself with your step-daughter. You cannot allow her to be rude to you. When she is rude – you need to discipline her. Other bottom-line issues must be addressed.
Here’s an example: Your step-daughter comes home after curfew and you know she’s been drinking. Ask your husband to agree with these consequences: Report the incident to the police. If she is really late – report her missing. Once she is home – take her to the police station to have a youth officer talk to her. Anytime she is drinking – since she is under-age – you should report it to the police. Check with school about her attendance. When she misses – ask to be called. Then, report her truant. Discuss with her the consequences that will be implemented. She needs consequences or her behavior will never change.
See these articles and books about parenting teens, codependency and communicationg:
How to Handle Teen Drug Abuse
Adult Daughters Poor Choices
Tough Love : How Parents Can Deal With Drug Abuse by Pauline Neff
Adult Daughters Poor Choices
Tough Love : How Parents Can Deal With Drug Abuse by Pauline Neff
Here are some articles to help you work through the grief:
Recovering from Grief and Loss
Understanding Grief You do need someone to talk to in order to work through the grief. You might join a grief support group or get professional counseling. Visit http://www.griefshare.com/ You can find a list of counselors at: http://www.aacc.net/ or http://www.nbcc.org/.
Understanding Grief You do need someone to talk to in order to work through the grief. You might join a grief support group or get professional counseling. Visit http://www.griefshare.com/ You can find a list of counselors at: http://www.aacc.net/ or http://www.nbcc.org/.
I hope you find this helpful. Most of all, seek God in the midst of your suffering, grief and trials. He is there for you and He cares. Consider reading this so you can..Know God Personally
God bless you this Christmas and always!
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-IV