Anger Management Institute Blog

Question:
I’m married to a woman I don’t really love, that is to say, I can’t express the thing that isn’t there…love. I’m spiritually numb, not able to love and I loath myself for my dishonesty. I haven’t grown spiritually, emotionally and I’m without any choices. I can’t choose what to do, on almost anything. Anon

Answer: Dear Friend,
Thank you for writing. It is possible that you are depressed for a number of reasons – due to your childhood experiences, your unhappy marriage and your background of spiritual oppression.
No matter what the cause – you do need help and counseling. I will try to suggest some things you can do – but, since the problems you are dealing with are serious – I recommend you follow-up with professional counseling. You can find a directory of Christian professionals in the USA at: www.aacc.net
Personal Issues: First of all, I am concerned about your description of ‘feeling numb’. I am wondering if this is due only to your wife and marriage or if you feel this way about other aspects of your life. Numbness suggests that you lack energy, enthusiasm and zeal for living. When people are depressed – they feel lethargic and don’t want to participate in life activities they may normally enjoy.

Secondly, you feel like you don’t love your wife. I wonder if you are resentful towards her or angry at her for various reasons and conflicts? When anger and resentment build towards a spouse – it blocks the love. All you feel is negative towards her.
Four Horseman of the Apocalypse: There is a syndrome which occurs when marriages take a downward spiral and suffer from a lot of unresolved conflict. John Gottman calls it: the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse syndrome. The first horseman is occurs when there are complaints and criticism. The criticism is not constructive – it involves attacking the spouse’s personality or character (usually with blame) vs. a behavior.
The second horseman is contempt which is the intention to insult. Partners have negative thoughts about the other (he/she is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool, etc.).
The third horseman is Defensiveness. When either spouse acts contemptuaouly the other responds defensively.
This behavior sets the stage for the fourth horseman: stonewalling. One partner stops responding to the other.

What does this mean to you and for your marriage? It means that once you and your spouse began to experience the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse in your marriage – you shut out the love. Criticism and contempt brings about hurt, anger, frustration, resentment and shutting down.

Where did the hurt begin in your marriage? Couples don’t have skills to manage anger and conflict. They haven’t learned a forgiveness process. In order to keep love alive or to renew love – couples need to commit first of all to the marriage, pray for renewal, forgiveness and learn the practical skills to work through their difficulties. Conflict is normal. Feeling angry is normal and God can use anger for His purposes when people allow Him to have the control.
So, what about the sex? You can’t bring anger into the bedroom. You first need to rebuild your relationship. You need to nurture the love back into your marriage. Christ can help your heart to change and help you demonstrate compassion again to your wife because He wants your marriage to make it so you can glorify Him and do His will. You can love your wife because you want to be like Christ – who loves the church.

Sex is the epitome of a great relationship! When you and your wife are building intimacy in all the other levels of your relationship – mentally, emotionally, spiritually –- physical oneness will be the culmination.

You don’t feel love for you wife now. Why not start out by asking God to change your heart? Have you allowed the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse to creep into your marriage? Christ can have the victory over your negative feelings and behavior.

Also, you may want to order the new What’s Good About Anger? course Anger Management Level Three for Couples (12 Week program)

I hope this is helpful. I encourage you to get marriage counseling. Seek help for any depression you may be struggling with as well. Also, pray regularly with your pastor, study the Word of God and put on the whole armor of God so that you may stand firm.
When Naomi had lost her husband and sons – she was destitute, afraid and hungry – she went back to Israel and told her friends … don’t call me Naomi – call me Mara which means “bitter” because God’s hand has gone against me. So, what did Naomi do? She continued to obey God despite her negative feelings, bitterness, grief. She did what was right to do before God and He answered her prayers and blessed her with grandchildren. In fact, her daughter-in-law, Ruth, became part of the line of Christ.

Do what is right before God despite your feelings. Trust Him to change your heart. He will bless you for it. Let me know how things go.

Eph 6:10-18

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. NIV

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Question:
Ok, I guess it is time for me to admit, I may have a problem with anger (shutters). But my anger is strange. I just tend to get so upset when someone is mad at me, and I take it out on them and myself.
Scenario: GF Gets mad at me for not doing dishes, so I get upset that she is mad at me and just keep it bottled up until I explode (which is usually fueled by drinking). I do not physically harm her, nor would I ever touch a girl in that way, but I can become a complete ___, and use sarcasm to make her feel as big as a mouse. What I want to know is how can I help supress this type of anger, should I see a counselor? Is this a certain type of anger? Thank you for any response.
PS. This wasn’t easy to say

Answer:
Dear Friend, you stated that you keep your anger bottled up and then explode – usually after drinking. Alcohol is a trigger for anger since it lowers inhibitions and self-control, increases irritability and distorts thinking.
Recommendations: I suggest you cut down on the drinking since you are more concerned about your relationships and marriage.
Also, when you begin to feel tense and don’t agree with your wife or someone else – learn how to express your feelings in an assertive way as soon as possible. Bottled up feelings build and then, erupt.
When you express your feelings right away, ie., “I feel upset when you say_____________…. I will take care of the dishes after this show.”, you are more likely to resolve the issue and/or begin problem-solving in a healthy way.
Read about assertiveness You may find counseling helpful, but, ordering some resources on anger management may also give you a start in the right direction. See: What’s Good About Anger? for resources.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

What impact do expectations have on anger and frustration in our lives?
Consider these scenarios…
Your friend stands you up for a luncheon. You immediately feel humiliated, rejected and disrespected. Later on, you discover that she/he had a flat tire and was stuck on the road, unable to call you because she/he couldn’t find your number.
What’s the expectation? That your friend would keep the appointment with you because “friends care and keep their promises“.Your spouse comes home from golfing or playing tennis. You think: now, we can finally spend some time together. But, your spouse is tired and wants to take a nap.
What’s the expectation? When my spouse takes time out to have some fun – he/she should care enough about me to be together. Thus, spouses have a responsibility to spend equal or more time with their mates than, with others. Can you identify with either of these situations?

What happens when your expectations are disappointed? You will begin to feel angry, frustrated and resentful towards your friend or mate.

How can you work through these frustrations? Check out whether it’s valid to hold the expectations you have, first of all. Then, ask yourself: “what’s a reasonable request I can make to alleviate my anger?”
How can I lower my expectations? Is it realistic to hold the expectations I have? If so, how can my friend/spouse and I work it out?
Use the ASERT approach to communicate your needs.
Ask yourself: How can I demonstrate unconditional love in these situations vs. dwelling on my needs and expectations? Do I have a right to expect this from my partner/friend?

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Our pastor – Ray Pritchard – recently preached on Eph 4:29-32
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” NIV

There is an anger which grieves the Holy Spirit. This kind of anger is self-centered, not concerned with God’s justice and God’s purposes. When anger is not under God’s control the results are: rage, bitterness, brawling, slander, malice.
Most of us can remember a time in our lives when our anger was out of control – rageful, bitter, slanderous, etc. But, when we whole-heartedly surrender our lives to Christ each day and through-out the day – there is a change which occurs from the inside-out. The fruit of the Holy Spirit manifests itself: love, joy, peace, patience, forgiveness, self-control, humility…

Would you like to see a difference in your anger and character? Maybe your depression is really anger.. Maybe your irritability is really anger turned inward. These verses are key to stopping the anger and rage.
You can:
1. Make a decision to end it. Why? Because God commands it.
2. Access power to overcome anger and rage by surrendering your life to Christ. This allows the Holy Spirit to replace anger and rage with kindness and compassion.

The greatest difficulty is making the choice to change. The easy part is watching God change your heart, attitude and actions. Faith is critical to changing an angry heart.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Question:
Dear Lynette,
After reading your book and thinking about some of the concepts, I have to let you know that I have a little different opinion on the emotion of anger. I hope it doesn’t stop you from certifying me but if it does, I understand.
I think anger is just an emotion like all other emotions. They are God-given and are flags that guide us to think about our irrational thoughts and actions. Anger is neither right nor wrong. What is right or wrong is our response to our anger. We can choose to hurt ourselves, others, God and things or we can choose to respond appropriately and solve the problem with truth and righteousness. Our irrational thinking or cognitive distortions and acting on them are what is in the wrong, which you so excellently explain. I believe that our anger response is just a signal to other underlying problems. Anger itself is not the culprit.
Thanks for listening!
Dave

Answer:
Dear David, You wrote:
“What is right or wrong is our response to our anger. We can choose to hurt ourselves, others, God and things or we can choose to respond appropriately and solve the problem with truth and righteousness. Our irrational thinking or cognitive distortions and acting on them are what is in the wrong, which you so excellently explain. I believe that our anger response is just a signal to other underlying problems. Anger itself is not the culprit.”

I would agree with you on most of what you say about anger but, with some clarifications. On page 36 we talk about the six levels of thought patterns,,,,,,, number one and two are ok.. but, number 3: “It is awful and terrible not to get what I want” follows the issue that James talks about in James 1:13-15 how sin is conceived by evil desire and in James 3:14-16 where it talks about harboring bitter envy and selfish ambition and that where you have envy and selfish ambition you find disorder and every evil practice.
At some point the ‘feeling of anger’ turns evil and sinful before it is acted out in behavior. When people ruminate on anger – it becomes resentful, envious, punitive, etc. This happens within the heart of man – from where evil thoughts emanate. “for out of the heart come evil thoughts….. “ Matt. 15. 19

I think we are on the same page as you agree with the distorted thinking patterns and obviously, those patterns are contradictory to scripture which says, “Think on these things – that are true, noble, of good report, etc.”

On page 37 in the book we discuss when anger is good – and give examples of an inner response of faith and insight and understanding about events, self and people;
and an outward response of action: expressing feelings, resolving conflict, assertiveness and problem-solving.

Yes, I agree with you – anger in itself can be just a feeling/response and may not in itself be wrong… but, it quickly can turn into sin when one becomes resentful, punitive, envious and then, acts it out in a harmful, ungodly way.

Does this clarify or do you think we are on the same page? I am hoping it does bring a better understanding and then, we can work towards building an affiliate What’s Good About Anger? institute out West!!! God bless! Lynette

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

There are clear warning signs for those with excess anger.
“Here are some helpful questions people can use to determine whether anger might be disturbing their lives and relationships:
Do I frequently find myself getting frustrated, tense, upset, irritable, annoyed during the day? Is anger disturbing my sleep and functioning?
Do I find myself over-reacting to minor events (i.e., child accidentally spills milk) which I could have overlooked?
Do I find myself ruminating about someone’s behavior or a negative situation over a long period of time? Is it hard to let it go?

When someone blocks my goals, disrespects or disappoints me, do I react by yelling, screaming, using verbal abuse, put-downs, hitting, pushing, throwing things and/or breaking objects?”
Your immediate reaction of anger is chemical. Spending a few minutes to think about the situation before reacting may solve many of the problems associated with rage.

Anger rears its ugly head in one to three seconds and a hormonal surge keeps anger simmering for 30 minutes. “I teach clients to take a time-out immediately to cool off. They need to identify early on when they are becoming angry in order to prevent a hostile reaction.

“During the time-out, they can pray and reflect on the issue. Ask whether the issue is valid – and consider what steps to take next. It is important to learn assertiveness skills so they can express anger in a healthy way versus over-reacting, shutting down or becoming aggressive. Assertiveness uses “I” statements, focuses on behavior and requests instead of blaming, criticizing or becoming defensive. Using the time-out and good communication skills will help people keep from responding to situations with rage.”

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Why do we get so mad over things that don’t really matter, like getting cut off in traffic by someone who’s in too much of a hurry?

Sources of Anger: Maybe it’s cumulative stress. Or maybe it has to do with putting up with rude people throughout the day and feeling disrespected over and over again. Each of us has a limit as to the amount of stress we can take. Each of us has a limit on the amount of disrespect or abuse thrown at our way.

Our perspective and thinking really does cause the anger though. People have said to me: “I don’t choose to be angry. Anger just happens to me.” I disagree. Look back at situations when you got angry. Maybe you were angry at your spouse for disagreeing with you about how to discipline the children. What was underneath the anger? Was his/her disagreement with you really that bad? Or was it that you felt ‘disregarded’ or that your opinion didn’t matter and thus, he/she didn’t really care about you? This is mind-reading and personalization- cognitive distortions which cause angry reactions. Doesn’t your spouse have a right to disagree with you?
You have disagreed with your spouse in the past over issues and plans. Did that mean that you were disregarding his/her opinion and didn’t care about him/her? No. Spouses have the right to disagree. Spouses should not act like ‘clones’. It’s healthy to disagree. It’s not healthy to mind-read.

Maybe your spouse came home late one night because of a flat tire on the highway. You because angry because he/she did not call you. Did the thought cross your mind that he/she was having dinner with another woman/man? Isn’t this ‘catastrophic thinking’?

The Bible says in Phil 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” NIV

What is the principle here? If your mind tends to judge others quickly, thinking the worst about someone’s actions or words – you will be easily angered. On the other hand, if you train your mind to think the best about someone and give them the “benefit of the doubt” about situations – you will find yourself less frustrated and angry. This kind of reaction or response only comes when you allow Christ to be in control of your whole life, heart and mind.

~ © copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Dear Mrs. Hoy, Just would like to know the faith you live out in expressing and sharing your views on this subject of ‘anger management.’ I happen to be Roman Catholic. Thanks.
Sincerely, K. NY

Answer:
Dear K,
Thank you for your question about my beliefs and what we teach in our book on anger management. Ted Griffin and I co-authored What’s Good About Anger? which takes a biblical view of anger management. I think that you –as a Catholic — would appreciate the scriptural premise we teach throughout the book. We use the Old Testament example of Nehemiah as the main biblical model for managing anger along with New Testament principles and verses.

In the chapter on The Role of Faith – we state in order to demonstrate a godly or righteous anger one must have faith in God because Romans 1:17 states: “the righteous shall walk by faith”.
People misunderstand what faith is nowadays. It is not just acknowledging that there is a God. We teach that real faith occurs when one completely surrenders their life to God.
There is hurdle which prevents people from being reconciled to God. St. Paul writes about this obstacle in Romans 3:23: “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. In other words, we are not able to enter into God’s presence and be fully accepted by Him because He is holy and we are not. Our sin separates us from Him and we are destined to die and be forever cut off from Him because Romans 6:23 reads: “the wages of sin is death…” and then, this verse goes on to give the only hope for our salvation: “but, the free gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord”.

The focus of the book demonstrates how to direct anger into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness. The faith aspect is central to the inner change one needs in order to acquire supernatural help for managing anger.
Romans 10:9-10 states: “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.”
The Bible teaches us that real Christianity is all about knowing and believing in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. We must believe that only through Christ can we be fully cleansed of our sins and only through faith in Him are we granted eternal life. We cannot depend on anything else for our salvation… No sacrament… baptism… good work… confirmation… communion … human pastor or priest can make us right before God. Only when we believe in Christ and His finished work on the cross – that His death completely paid the penalty for the sins of the world (those of us who believe) and when we trust that His resurrection brings us justification before a holy God – will we be fully reconciled to God.
Then, as Christians, as we grow in faith … we will allow God to control our anger … turning the energy that springs from it into something good and using it for His purposes.
So, maybe you are thinking that this sounds good but, it is different than I am being taught in my church. I would challenge you to consider what Jesus and scripture teach. Compare and contrast what the Bible teaches and what your church teaches about how you can be forgiven and get to heaven. In John 14:6 Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth and the life. No man comes to the Father but, by me.” In other words, you can’t get to heaven and have a relationship with God unless you fully trust in Christ and His work.
Jesus told Martha in the gospels, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me – though he dies – yet, shall he live. Do you believe this?” That is the ultimate question for every man, woman and child.
Believing in Christ sets us free from sin and death and walking by faith in Him – provides us with Holy Spirit power for living and allows God to use our anger for His purposes.
I hope this helps you. If you would like to learn more about faith read: How to Know God Personally and send me your address for the free book: An Anchor for the Soul by Dr. Ray Pritchard. God bless you!
~ © copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.