Anger Management Institute Blog

Today a client talked about how angry she is at God. God must be causing the depression and trials in her life. “He’s sovereign, isn’t He?”
This kind of question presupposes that since God is sovereign – He must be the cause of suffering. It is true that God is sovereign. It is also true that God does not cause evil. He allows trials and suffering to come into our lives. Sometimes, He uses trials to chasten and discipline His children. But, what did Jesus say to the Pharisees who asked when someone born blind was before them: Who sinned? This man or his parents?
Jesus said, this condition was not caused by sin but, the purpose of it was to bring glory to God.
Jesus always confronted the Jews with “truth” which shut their mouths and challenged their “all or nothing” thinking. Then, Jesus healed the man.
So, what can we say about depression and trials? Could it be that these troubles are just a part of living in a broken world filled with sin and evil? Could it be that when a measure of healing comes through prayer and faith – that, once again, glory will be given to God?
So, how can we be angry at God – the Healer? Ultimately, we may be angry – but, it is disappointment that life is just not going the way we thought it would. And we can pour out our anger to God as Naomi did… “don’t call me Naomi. Call me Mara which means ‘bitter’ because the Lord’s hand has gone out against me.” She said this after losing both her sons and her husband. She then, went about life doing God’s will and givnig directions to Ruth as to how to survive. God blessed her in the end.

How can we continue to be angry at the only One Who is able to help us? Let not your anger turn into unbelief. Pour out your hurt and anger to God but, keep believing. Keep trusting He will bring glory out of the situation you find yourself in. Read more about understanding suffering.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
~ Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

A client told me that his spouse will not forgive him for the hurtful words he spouted during an argument. She cannot forgive him. He is waiting patiently for her to give their marriage another start.
Here’s what I recommended:
“Wait it out. You don’t want to pressure her. You want her to willingly forgive and freely love you. You can only change yourself. Most likely, she will forgive and will give the marriage another try.”
Angry outbursts bring consequences. It’s important to figure out where the anger is coming from and how to deal with the root cause. The underlying issue usually has to do with fear or catastrophic thinking. When we feel fearful – we respond by trying to control. Controlling behaviors generally create a negative reaction from others.
No one wants to be controlled. Everyone likes choices and to have their opinions and feelings considered.
Control manifests itself in rigid or aggressive behaviors which are perceived negatively.
Controlling anger pushes the people we are trying to control away. And we don’t get what we want – relationship and respect.
And we thwart God’s purpose for our lives which is: to depend on Christ and allow Him to take control of our lives.
~© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

~ Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Moving from Anger to Healthy Assertiveness ©2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

All of us have experienced anger. Some of us have cringed under the rage in our families, struggled with it in our souls, felt it toward our friends, co-workers and loved ones. Some of us have shocked others withvolcanoes of anger. The evidence abounds that we live in a mad, mad, mad world.
A recent study showed:23% of Americans openly express their anger.39% say they hold it in or hide it.23% say they walk away.23% confess to having hit someone.17% admit they have destroyed someone’s property out of anger.** Study cited in What’s Good About Anger, by Lynette Hoy and Ted Griffin.
What does the Bible say about anger?
While anger is potentially harmful, the Bible contains examples of how God was able to accomplish His purpose through angry people.Nehemiah writes about his angry reaction to social injustice in Nehemiah 5:6-7. He took positive action to confront oppressive officials in Israel and reverse injustice.Paul provides instructions regarding anger in Ephesians 4:25-6: “In your anger, do not sin.. do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
Practical strategies for handling anger: When a co-worker says harshly: “You didn’t let me know you were going to lunch early and I ended up taking all the calls!” or when your boss states indignantly: “You didn’t finish the contract and now, we’ve missed the deadline!” rather than lashing out in anger, and defensiveness or concealing your anger, you can pray for Christ to help you respond with a gentle answer, and assertiveness such as:…”I am sorry that you had so many calls while I was gone. I did mention to you that I would be going to lunch early this morning. Any ideas on how we can avoid this situation in the future?” …”Say more about the contract deadline please? I understood the deadline was tomorrow.”When you are able to control your anger, it may help defuse the other person’s anger and promote respectful dialogue. Take a risk this week and ask God to turn your anger into a gentle assertiveness. Learning strategies to overcome anger – a prime relationship enemy – will get you further down the road to success in all your relationships.

~ Lynette J. Hoy is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.