Can’t Stand Anyone

Posted on January 9, 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
I have a serious problem and it is starting to affect my personal life. Children, wife, etc…. Let me be clear, I HAVE NEVER HIT OR WOULD EVER HIT MY CHILDREN OR MY WIFE. The problem is not them, it is me and my view of the world. I cannot stand ANYONE other than my family members. I wish everyone would die and stop acting like total idiots. I cannot watch the news or read the paper without getting unbelieviably upset. My wife has had it with my outbursts and I think I have to, but I don’t know where to start in fixing this. Will a psychologist work? I don’t know. I think most of them are full of bull. Need help, what do you think I should do?Answer: It sounds to me like you have deeper problems underneath your anger. Might I suggest that your anger is a reaction to anxiety and lack of trust. This fear, distrust and anger may have begun with some very bad experiences with outsiders when you were a child and contributes to your angry outbursts now. The concern I have is that you may be manifesting paranoia. This symptom is manifested in depression and anxiety disorders (as well as other mental health disorders). See a psychologist for an evaluation and counseling.Anger Control: I would also suggest you take an anger management course/class since the skills will help you gain some control over your out-of-control reactions to people and situations.
You need to explore what is causing the strong outbursts. You don’t want your marriage to be ruined by harmful anger. Most likely, you are struggling with some cognitive distortions such as “catastrophizing” – which causes you to respond in unhealthy ways to anger. Catastrophizing is when you tell yourself some event or person’s behavior is worse than it really is.

I suggest you begin to log your anger and the situations to discover what is causing the over-reaction.
Ask yourself:
1. What really happened? What did the person do? How did he/she put me off in behavior or communication?
2. What was I thinking that might have contributed to my over-reaction? Did I expect too much from the person or read into what he/she said? Did I label or misjudge the person?
3. How did I respond? Did I communicate my needs or requests clearly in a healthy and respectful way?
We all need to challenge our thinking and see if we have misjudged the situation or person. On the other hand, when you have a right to be angry you can learn one of the most important ways to express your anger – assertively vs. demandingly or aggressively. Read about Assertiveness and order some of the resources from: the What’s Good About Anger? Institute. God bless you as you learn how to better manage your anger!

© copyright 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Posted in Anger Management | Leave a comment

Dealing with Rage

Posted on January 3, 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question: Lynette, I have a rage problem when it comes to jealousy. It begins with a jealousy problem and turns into an out of control rage problem where I want to throw things, curse, cry, yell, and push or hit.I know you have an anger-management course, and when I can, I will purchase it. But* I am constantly “worried” and “overly- preoccuppied” w/ tormenting thoughts that whatever person I am w/ is thinking sexually about someone else’s body, or, is going to, or has and has not told me, or has lied to me about it, or will lie to me about it. I fear greatly whoever I am w/ will “lust” and when I notice the guy I’m w/ looking at a female for a little longer or looking at a particular part, I go insanely jealous, and want to “get back” and “take revenge” and hurt him back so he knows how much this hurts me..my mouth gets out of control and soon I am in tears and break something..this has lead to fights and separations I do not want, but I feel insecure that my body is not as pretty as the other woman’s and that he “might” think the other one is and wish he had it or compare it to mine, and not like mine anymore. I have read Purpose Driven Life and Experiencing God, but it is the Jealousy Rage I cannot control! I want to honor God and love in “trust” but cannot stop thinking these thingsconstantly,daily. Please pray it will stop. I have prayed and when the emotions come, I DO NOT KNOW HOW* TO HANDLE THEM!Answer: Dear Friend, thank you for writing. Certainly, your rage and jealousy problem are out of control and if you were to take our Anger survey I could predict that you would fall into category 111 which means you have a “severe problem with anger”.
Here is a summary of your comments: “
I have a rage problem when it comes to jealousy
…But* I am constantly “worried” and “overly- preocuppied” w/ tormenting thoughts that whatever person I am with
…I fear greatly whoever I am with will “lust”
…I feel insecure that my body is not as pretty as the other woman’s
…but it is the Jealousy Rage I cannot control! I want to honor God and love in “trust” but cannot stop thinking these things constantly,daily
….I have prayed and when the emotions come, I DO NOT KNOW HOW* TO HANDLE THEM!”What is the real problem underlying your rage and anger? And what can you do about your problem? May I suggest that your problem is not the man you are with or the other women with whom you compete or even a preoccupation about your appearance and your sexuality. You are looking to find yourself – you are searching for significance and security. You believe that if someone really demonstrates that you are the best woman – the most attractive woman ever – that you will finally feel good about yourself. You are really trying to convince yourself that you are a person of value and worth. Since you are not convinced – you are hoping that a man’s attraction to and attention towards you will cause you to feel better about who you are. There’s a problem with what you are doing. It’s not working. The men you are dating can’t give you enough attention and if they did – you would find their attention quotient – deficient no matter what.
The only one who can convince you that you are a valuable person is YOU! The only one who can really affect how you think about yourself is GOD. The only one who can control your anger is YOU. The only one who can really help you with your anger is GOD. You have an obsession with the focus of your life and what is meaningful in life. What will it matter 10 years from now – whether someone is prettier or sexier than you? What will it matter when you are 65? Especially, if you have driven away with your jealousy and rage – people who are most important in your life.
The real question is What are you living for? Since you read The Purpose Driven Life – it sounds that you were not really impacted by the challenge of the book…. What is Rick Warren’s challenge? To worship God, to fellowship with other believers, to grow to be like Christ, to serve others and to be on a mission to win the world to Christ. In order to really live out the purpose God has for you – you need to become Christ-centered versus Me-centered. Right now the focus is “all about you”. Yes, it may be due to your insecurities and some brokenness in your past – but, you can change.
Jesus Christ can make the difference in your life. You can put Christ at the center and give up all the rage and anger and pain in your heart. You see, when a person is so focused on getting their needs met but, doing it themselves- their life revolves around themselves and they are living in idolatry. Whatever need you have underneath the anger and jealousy becomes the focus of your life instead of God.
The answer is simple – God can meet your need but, you can’t focus on that need anymore. You can pray about it – but, God needs to be on the throne of your life. Give up the anger – give up the rage – give up yourself – surrender it all to Jesus. Ask for forgiveness for making your need the center of your life. Ask Jesus to take center-stage. Give Him your heart and mind and all your longings. Turn from the sins of jealousy and rage and sexual idolatry.
Ask Jesus to cleanse you from these sins and take over. Put yourself and your pain at the foot of the cross – where every hurt and bitterness melts into forgiveness. Let Jesus make you a new person today. You need professional counseling because you are manifesting signs of depression and paranoia along with low self-esteem, rage and obsessions. Find a counselor in your area in the directory of professional counselors at American Association of Christian Counselors. Read about how to overcome Jealousy. Stop looking for fulfillment and happiness in others. Let Jesus bring that inner joy in your life that only He can bring. Read through the Gospel of John.

God bless you in your journey to find freedom from the bondage of Rage and jealousy and to discover a whole new life!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, P.C., a speaker and the co-author of the book: What’s Good About Anger?

Response: “wow. thanks for replying, I almost thought you would be too busy, but great email, thank you very much. the part of read the gospel of John and ..freedom from the bondage of jealousy made me laugh but the part about idolatry made me think about it more seriously. I never thought of it that way, like my life focus being my need, or even that i had value and worth insecurities. I will pray to God and thank you again for all your help. I will ask the Lord to make me see me the way he does. Jealous”

Posted in Anger Management, Rage | Leave a comment

Handling Someone’s Anger

Posted on January 3, 2006 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question: I’ll try to make this relatively long story short…My boyfriend (31)drinks…a LOT. He gets angry toward me (35) about RIDICULOUS things when he drinks. Finally I told him yesterday morning that until he does SOMETHING, ANYTHING to get control of his drinking and his anger, we are roommates, that’s it. He said he thought about it all day and he will do it. I told him…buy a book, get online, go to therapy, I don’t care, anything, I just need to see you trying! Again, he said he will. So here is my question…What now? I don’t know if I should ask him if he did anything yet for fear of pushing too hard, let him do it on his own time or what? Example: Last night he asked what I wanted for dinner. It ws easy last night because I was totally not hungry so I said nothing, you go ahead and have something yourself, which he did. But when dinner rolls around tonight, do I make dinner for both of us? eat by myself? When he needs to borrow my truck to haul something for work, do I tell him no? I want him to understand what it will be like if he loses me, but what I’m afraid of is that BEFORE he starts to get help, he will get angry and leave! I think he will get it fairly quickly once he starts reading, talking to people etc. but until then, what do I do? How do I act? It hurts me so much because I love him so much and I want to stay with him!Answer: The number one problem is that your partner is drinking. If he doesn’t stop drinking and get help for his abuse or addiction of alcohol – then, expecting him to change will be a lost cause. You must first take care of yourself. Don’t expect that changing your behavior towards him will motivate him.
Since his anger is out of control – you need to move out to protect yourself from further abuse and angry outbursts. This move will wake him up to the fact that you are serious about expecting him to change – enough to break off the relationship.

Women tend to cave-in and take a wait-and-see attitude. This will not work with a drinker.
You must be firm and set boundaries: “until you are regularly going to AA; controlling your anger and working through issues with me in a calm manner – I will not consider rebuilding the relationship.”

I suggest that you do not move back in with him until he has changed and wants to marry you. He needs to demonstrate his whole-hearted commitment to change and to you.
Purchase the book: What’s Good About Anger? so you can learn how to be more assertive.
consider how you can grow in your relationship with God. Read about How to Know God Personally. God bless!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection and National Certified Counselor. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Posted in Anger Management | Leave a comment

Short Fuse

Posted on November 21, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
Okay I don’t know where this would really go… I am angry so I am going to put it under anger management. But I know there is a lot of underlining issues too.. I am 25 years old and have been in my current relationship for almost three years. The man I am with is devoted to me, loves me and wants to spend his life with me. But the man I have been with for the past three years (and every man I have been with in the last eight years) drives me nuts. I can’t control my anger w/ him. He does something that ticks me off, I let him know it. If he does not do something I want, or does something I don’t want, I just blow. But when I feel that I am being attacked, not understood that is our worst fights. Its crazy even writing it because I see the insanity in it, but in that moment I can’t control that feeling that is raising up in me. It’s like I can just feel it wash over me, and I lash out. I will yell, scream, degrade, humiliate, anything so he feels what I feel… I feel betrayed, out of control, let down, empty. I want him to understand how I feel. I do feel like my boyfriend is attacking me a lot, he will always say I am _________ and that’s all I do, and I do feel sometimes he starts on me just to get a reaction like I am a side show freak because I have strong emotions. I am confused because I don’t want to be angry. My boyfriend tells me it is all me, that I have anger issues, but I don’t know if he helps though. But as I said before I have felt the same way with my past three relationships. How do I change the way I feel? How do I control that uncontrollable feeling? How do I get understood, or how do I get over not being under stood? I feel like a lost person… I know I carry a lot of burden from my family (which I will not go into because this is long enough) I just want to let go of it all, the anger, the family burdens, the control issues, I just don’t know how. It feels so good to just write it. I work at my home in a high stress customer service job. There are many days that I don’t get out, but I don’t have any place to go or people to see. Working at home does not give to many chances to make friends. (I know this is one of the problems) So it feels good to write out how I am feeling.

Answer:
Dear Friend, thanks for writing.
What’s the Real Issue? Since you have had this problem of blowing up in all your relationships – I am wondering what the real issue is? Could it be “loss of control”. “low self-esteem”, “fear of criticism or conflict”, depression, chronic stress, growing up in a household with constant anger and conflict, lack of communication skills, heightened physiological arousal to threat or fear, irrational beliefs or cognitive distortions which predispose you to anger, an abusive background? As you can see, there are many reasons you may have such a “short fuse”.

My guess is that for some reason you have a heightened physiological arousal to threats or fear underlying your angry outbursts. You have developed a pattern of response which backfires on you and is destroying your relationships. A number of the other issues could play into your anger and rage, but, there is a lot of hope for change despite your history.

Time to Change: It’s time to grow personally so your relationship can become healthy. Learning relaxation techniques and to take a time-out are two of the most effective ways to defuse your anger and interrupt anger arousal. Take some time to work on relaxation everyday. This will help your nervous system to become less jumpy. Determine to take a time-out when you become angry with your partner. As soon as you feel the anger rising (tension in neck, stomach, etc.) tell him you are taking a time-out. Do your relaxation during that time or listen to some soft music. Then, think about what the issue is and ask: what was it that caused me to feel angry? How can I express my feelings and make a reasonable request? How can I negotiate something?

Order resources to help you learn anger management, how to release pent-up frustration and anxiety and healthy communication skills at the: What’s Good About Anger Institute. You would also benefit from counseling to help you explore the deeper issues going on. See: www.nbcc.org or www.aacc.net for a directory of professionals. God bless!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Posted in Anger Management | Leave a comment

Learning from Anger

Posted on November 12, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
I often get stressed out at work, (angry people yelling at me on phone, pressure to not give out confidential material to the wrong people etc) but most times I just keep it to myself. The other day a co-worker accused me of marking up her desk when she was out on vacation, which I didn’t do after a min or two of arguing about this I got really upset and said swear words and threw a penny to my side. Not more than a couple min later I already felt bad about what I did and ashamed of my actions, but have left a bad feeling with the others in the office who now fear me and think I have anger problems that have been building up so they are afraid to bring it up to me instead I hear them talking on the side about it. Any tips on what I should do. I have apologized for my actions and it has really eaten me up inside that I would act that way, and hope to never do it again, in the past I have been able to keep my anger to private use only.

Answer:
Dear Friend, thank you for writing. It does seem that stress in your life built up and that this accusation threw you for a loop. The problem is that “anger is a choice”. Maybe you have been harboring anger for long periods of time and when something sets you off – you blow off steam in private.
Expressing yourself: Eventually, if people don’t learn healthy ways to manage stress and anger – the feelings will overcome them. We need to express anger and the emotions underneath. If you can learn skills to identify the issues and communicate your needs and requests assertively – you will have come a long way towards managing anger.

Rebuilding: The other issue here is rebuilding your reputation with your co-workers. This will take time. On the other hand, you know even though you made a mistake – you are not damaged goods. Your co-workers will give you another chance. No one is perfect.
It’s important that you rebuild your self-worth at this point since the accusation injured your self-esteem. It was disrespectful and rude for the co-worker to accuse you.
You’ve probably rehearsed the scenario over and over.

Learning from the situation: You can learn from the experience by writing it out and how you could have responded differently. You just needed to stand your ground and state that you did not use her desk and politely walked away. When someone is provoking you to anger – taking a time-out or walking away is one of the best ways to defuse your anger. And it gives you time to think about how to respond if needed. Read more about how to control your anger.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Posted in Anger Management | Leave a comment

Mad at the World

Posted on November 3, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question: I do now know why i am angry all the time… i snap at people and make biting remarks at the smallest mistakes.. or when i do not get what i want or get it done my way… i get into shouting matches, i am angry at the world and i hate the world and everything that is in it. and when i get angry and it affects the people that i love, it just saddens me so much that i become depressed and i just want it to stop. any advise on how to manage this anger issues that i have?
Answer: Dear Friend, I am wondering what is underneath the anger you are experiencing? Maybe you are depressed?
Anger can be a mask for depression. Maybe you have lost someone in your life through death or divorce? Maybe you have very low self-esteem? Maybe you have been abused? I ask these questions because anger is a secondary emotion resulting from other primary thoughts and feelings.

Sort out the issues: It would be wise to consider counseling since you are so distressed and depressed. A professional can help you sort out the core issues, help you work through the feelings in a healthy way and towards resolution. See the AACC directory of counselors.Learn to manage your anger: On the other hand, anger management classes or resources can help you learn new coping skills for managing your anger. Our resources teach people how to turn anger into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness. We also help people evaluate cognitive distortions which may be going on.

You need to log your anger, the situations and apply skills to help stop anger escalation. When you evaluate what your thinking is and deeper feelings – you may discover what is really happening. You may be reacting negatively to others because you have certain expectations you want to be met or you feel rejected by them when they don’t repsond in a certain way to you. If you suffer from low self-esteem … most likely, you will be looking for other’s approval and affirmation all the time. When you don’t get that need met – you will feel hurt and rejected. I’m guessing this may be happening, but, don’t know for sure.

I still recommend you seek professional counseling as well. God bless you!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Posted in Anger Management | Leave a comment

Irrational Contempt

Posted on October 25, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question: I have a small group somewhat elitist of friends that it took me just under a year to wriggle into the ranks of. The main core consists of maybe 4 or 5 guys, and maybe me, but i am a girl.
Any other girls in the group are only there because they date one of the guys except for myself. Anyway, some days these are the only people i can stand or have any respect for. i have a huge goup of school friends which i direct huge amounts of hate towards on some days, yesterday for instance, i told them i despised them all and proceeded to draw a picture of myself dancing on their graves, and it was totally unprovoked. I just have this irrational contempt for them. What can I do to change? Signed: Anon

Answer:
Dear Friend, Where is all this hatred coming from? Could it be that you really hate and disrespect yourself? Maybe deep wounds from the past have resulted in hatred towards others? Maybe you suffer from low self-esteem? Jealousy? Fear? Competition? You say there is no provocation for this deep hatred – a hatred which causes you to wish them dead. Thus, this anger and hatred must be coming from your thought life, your anger towards yourself and hatred towards someone who abused you in the past.
You have been abused: I suspect that you have been greatly mistreated and abused. That the wounds and abuse have caused you to believe that you are worthless, helpless and even contemptible. Thus, you criticize yourself thinking you will never measure up or never gain approval from others. This criticism and contempt towards yourself and towards the person who abused you – are then, directed towards others.
You ask, what can I do to change?
Start with exploring these issues in counseling. A professional can help you pin-point where the anger and hatred are coming from. You need to grieve, confront and deal with the core issue and person(s) in order to begin the healing process.
The next step is to begin building your self-worth. Do you believe you are a person of value with talents and opinions and needs that should be respected and considered by others? Once you grow in self-esteem you will begin to appreciate others – seeing them as having significance and worth.
If you don’t dig into the core issues causing your anger and hatred … you will act out the violent thoughts you are having.
Skills can help: Anger management can help you discover new skills for coping with situations but, these vengeful thoughts will lead to harming someone else. We teach how to change cognitive distortions in our book: What’s Good About Anger? But, your issues are even deeper and will eventually cause you to lash out at someone – harming them and getting you in trouble with the law. Please get help. See the directory of counselors at: www.aacc.net

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Posted in Anger Management | Leave a comment

Anger is Normal

Posted on October 22, 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Question:
Hi, I have a friend whose mother is very controlling and stubborn. She says she has anger problems but the mother won’t go see a psychologist because she’s too stubborn. Is there anyway to help the mother and convince her she needs help? I got information that she was once an alcoholic but now she quit.

Answer:
Dear Friend,
your friend’s mother would benefit from anger management classes or a home-study course. It’s possible she is dealing with a mental health problem such as depression or anxiety – but, if she refuses counseling or a psychological evaluation – then, suggesting a class or ordering anger management resources could be very helpful.

Anger is normal: Most people need to realize that anger is normal. It is a secondary emotion emanating from deeper hurt, sadness, frustration, expectations, beliefs, fear, thinking, etc. which need to be explored and controlled.

Learning to control anger: When anger is expressed in healthy ways – it is a change agent. Anger can actually change a person from being a passive victim to beoming assertive. An aggressive person can learn to control him or herself. Anger can help people problem-solve versus stagnate. Anger can move people to forgive versus become bitter.

Check out these resources: American Association of Anger Management Providers or the What’s Good About Anger? Institute. She will find free blogs and articles on each of these sites as well.

© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations

Posted in Anger Management | Leave a comment