Question: I cannot get angry. last week someone stole $40 from me and i didn’t even care. i always get into situations that should make me burst but i don’t. i am never angry, it might seem good but its terrible. i cant show any anger or anything. can i have some advice on getting angry and staying angry?
Guest
Answer:
Dear Friend, it seems like you have shut down your feelings. You know in your mind that you have a right to be angry but, your emotions are paralyzed. Maybe this is how you react to anything that should emit a negative emotion such as fear, frustration, irritation, hopelessness, loneliness, anger.
Disconnect: Maybe there’s a disconnect between the negative trigger that should cause anger and what you think and how you feel. In the past you may have learned that is was wrong to be angry or that any reaction you had was ignored or disregarded by your parents. You learned to stuff your feelings in childhood and thus, you still hold in your emotions now.
My question is: “what did you tell yourself when the person stole money from you last week?”
1. “it’s only money. I can get more. So what.” (minimized the loss)
2. “maybe the guy needed the money more than me.” (an overly-codependent response demonstrating low self-esteem)
3. “oh well… just another bad thing that happened to me. I can’t worry about this.” (hopeless talk)
Could it be you are depressed? Anger can be turned into depression, aggression, manipulation or a healthy assertiveness.
Maybe you rationalize anger and call it: stress, disappointment, fear, irritability….
So, now you want to respond to situations with anger – which call for it and situations which others would normally react with anger.
Anger situation log:
I suggest you write out what happened to you, ie., how someone stole money from you and the consequences.
Ask yourself: what are the losses I experienced because this guy stole money from me?
Maybe you could not afford to pay a bill or get a special gift for your wife, etc.
So, what will you have to do to recoup the money and pay the bill or buy the gift?
Are you feeling a twinge of tension in your neck or a knot in your stomach?
Do you hear yourself saying, “that was wrong. How unfair that I was violated! That guy should repay me!”
If you feel any of those physiological reactions and hear yourself saying any of these things – you are angry!
Step out on your anger: But, don’t leave your anger there. Take the energy it brings to you and try to do something about it. Make out a report of the theft to the police. If you know the person who stole it – ask for the money back and tell him/her that you will report it to the police if it is not returned. If you don’t do something – this person will continue to steal and may steal again from you. Use the energy you get from anger to resolve the issues that come up in your life.
Guest
Answer:
Dear Friend, it seems like you have shut down your feelings. You know in your mind that you have a right to be angry but, your emotions are paralyzed. Maybe this is how you react to anything that should emit a negative emotion such as fear, frustration, irritation, hopelessness, loneliness, anger.
Disconnect: Maybe there’s a disconnect between the negative trigger that should cause anger and what you think and how you feel. In the past you may have learned that is was wrong to be angry or that any reaction you had was ignored or disregarded by your parents. You learned to stuff your feelings in childhood and thus, you still hold in your emotions now.
My question is: “what did you tell yourself when the person stole money from you last week?”
1. “it’s only money. I can get more. So what.” (minimized the loss)
2. “maybe the guy needed the money more than me.” (an overly-codependent response demonstrating low self-esteem)
3. “oh well… just another bad thing that happened to me. I can’t worry about this.” (hopeless talk)
Could it be you are depressed? Anger can be turned into depression, aggression, manipulation or a healthy assertiveness.
Maybe you rationalize anger and call it: stress, disappointment, fear, irritability….
So, now you want to respond to situations with anger – which call for it and situations which others would normally react with anger.
Anger situation log:
I suggest you write out what happened to you, ie., how someone stole money from you and the consequences.
Ask yourself: what are the losses I experienced because this guy stole money from me?
Maybe you could not afford to pay a bill or get a special gift for your wife, etc.
So, what will you have to do to recoup the money and pay the bill or buy the gift?
Are you feeling a twinge of tension in your neck or a knot in your stomach?
Do you hear yourself saying, “that was wrong. How unfair that I was violated! That guy should repay me!”
If you feel any of those physiological reactions and hear yourself saying any of these things – you are angry!
Step out on your anger: But, don’t leave your anger there. Take the energy it brings to you and try to do something about it. Make out a report of the theft to the police. If you know the person who stole it – ask for the money back and tell him/her that you will report it to the police if it is not returned. If you don’t do something – this person will continue to steal and may steal again from you. Use the energy you get from anger to resolve the issues that come up in your life.
~© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
~ Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.