Anger Management Institute Blog

Self-Mutilation:© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
I am posting the following Q and A since many agree that buried anger is a core reason for self-injury.

Question:
Dear Counselor, Yesterday I tortured my self again and I am afraid to relive the details. No offense to you of coarse but I must tell you my family isn’t much of the religious type. In fact I havn’t been to church sence I was five. I do agree with you about getting help But its to hard right now. I do not think I can just stop after all these years of doing it and keeping it a secret to tell some one this week. I realy realy don;t know what to do. I am afraid to be alone and yet I want to be alone. I am 13 years old and will be 14 this october and I have done this sort of stuff since I was 8 years old or since 4th grade to tell you the truth I don’t even remember when I started it was so long ago. the good news is I have stopped cutting my arm but the bad is I continue to lay on tacks and sharp Items. I nead help I now! But I don’t now how to get it. THANKS FOR YOUR HELP! G.

Answer:
Dear G., Here are some teens explaining what happens when they self-injure:
“Self injury to me is when u look for a release, and that comes in self harm to a particular problem that you face, it calms u and takes out ur anger which u can’t express any otha way”

“self injusring is when u do sumthing harmful to ur body, whether it be cutting, burning, etc. its a release…a way to get pain out…a way to release it that u mite not be able to get from talking or writing or anything else.”

“i self injure because i have so much pain and anger built up inside and i don’t have or know any other way of letting it out.”

Can you identify with any of these teens, G.?
Most teens who self-mutilate talk about the anger and the pent-up feelings they experience and the need to let those feelings out. One teen puts it this way: I don’t cry because I cut, I cut because I cry!

Managing Self-Injury: One of the only ways to manage this destructive behavior is to admit how destructive it is and that it is not working – that you need to express your feelings in a healthy way.

Under the behavior you are hurting – you are angry, lonely, depressed, stressed, punishing yourself, fearful, sad and desperately looking to relieve your feelilngs. Many people say they get a “high” from self-injury. That “high” quickly dissolves into feelings of guilt, self-loathing, more depression and anger and a sense of failure.

What is the answer? The need you have is really spiritual. You are right in that the answer is not religion – but, the answer lies in a person you can authentically relate to – Jesus. But, it seems that you are not ready to get help whether spiritual, psychological or otherwise.
That means you really don’t want to change. I can’t make you change – no one can. It will have to start with you.

Consider the following and see if you might do something differently – take a step towards healing and wholeness.
Decide to make a change because changing is the healthy thing to do. Changing your behavior will change your feelings and give you satisfaction that you are making progress. Adults and teens tend to rely on their feelings as a measure of how they will behave in this world. Feelings are deceptive but are an indicator that there may be an issue to deal with. Will every disappointment, feeling of hopelessness and fear drive you to self-mutilate? Or will you decide to fight this drive and addiction to numb the inner pain with external pain?
Telling someone: Maybe your parents are not the ones to tell – but. you must have an adult you can trust and can talk to. First you need counseling and a physical exam. See the American Association of Christian Counselors directory to find a professional in your area who will help you deal with this issue or see your school counselor – who will have experience helping teens who self-mutilate.
Identify new ways to respond:
Why not try three things before you torture yourself? You have come to me for help. So, now take some of my professional advice. Commit to doing 3 things before you torture yourself (maybe you have some other healthy ideas to try).
1. Pray.You need a higher power to help you. You may not be religious but, anyone can talk to God. Even the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous teaches to begin with admitting you have a problem and can’t handle it yourself and that you need to turn to God for help.
2. Express yourself: Write out what you are feeling. What is the pain? What is the anger? Are you taking out your anger towards someone else on yourself? Maybe this is anger turned inward. What disappointment just occurred to make you feel helpless and hopeless about life? Or call a friend, Aunt or Uncle and talk about what is goind on in your life. You don’t have to start out by telling that you torture yourself. You can just talk about what is disturbing you – whether it’s your parents or school or feeling bad about your life.
3. Do something productive: Get out of the house and go for a walk or ride your bike. Or go to a shopping mall and walk in-doors. You need to exercise and think about what is going on. Or begin a hobby such as photography. Take pictures of the world around you and see the world in a different way.
I am challenging you G to start doing something. Only you can change yourself. No one else can pressure you to change. You can anonymously email someone like me or chat on some discussion board – dropping your pain but, you don’t deal with it and the issue of self-torture never gets resolved. You don’t face the fact that you have a serious disorder. You need to get professional help but, you won’t. As long as you keep this a secret and don’t take serious steps to change – you will stay where you are – laying on tacks and sharp objects.
It’s your inner self that is tortured… your inner self that needs comfort, hope and power to stop mutilating yourself and get on with life. Get on to a better life – the one that God has for you. Read Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren and An Anchor for the Soul: Help for the Present, Hope for the Future by Pastor Ray Pritchard.
You need to see that there is a purpose for your life and you can discover a personal relationship with God if you really want to.

What’s behind the pain and emptiness and self-loathing you have? Maybe you are angry about your life, feel badly about yourself, can’t forgive someone, lost someone when you first started self-mutilating? Maybe you were abused? Go to this site for Christian Self-Injury Resources. Explore what’s going on underneath. Maybe you are dealing with other issues of depression, guilt, bipolar, drug abuse, adhd, etc. Counseling can really help. Being in a community of Christians and talking with a Pastor can help. Praying for you…
© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

I was interviewed for the following news article – published last November.

News: “Anger management: What’s it all about?” By MAX SEIGLE, Medill News Service and in the Wednesday Journal, Oak Park, IL.

Lynette Hoy has been a counselor for 16 years, but just recently added a new specialty: anger management. “I would say this is definitely a growing field,” said Hoy, of CounselCare Connection in Oak Park. Just recently the American Association of Anger Management Providers was created and currently includes about providers nationwide.
Co-founder and anger management counselor George Anderson says the emotional aftermath of Sept. 11 catapulted anger management into the public arena. “After 9-11, the entire world was destabilized,” he said. “Suddenly you have all of these referrals.” Anderson said the American Psychological Association is working on establishing anger management as a recognized mental illness.
“Anger management is definitely the ‘in’ thing,” said Steve Kelly, an anger management specialist with The Success Center in south suburban Lansing. Both Kelly and Hoy say their services reach a cross section of people, ranging from court-ordered individuals to couples having trouble in their relationships. Companies also send them employees who loose their tempers with customers or supervisors.
The two counselors say they generally work with adults rather than children, and Kelly says he serves more men than women. “I would probably say it’s one female for every four males I get.” Kelly’s practice offers both individual and group sessions, while Hoy tends to do more one-on-one counseling with her anger management patients.
Hoy also runs an on-line business for people ordered to take anger management classes. She has workbooks with as many as 52 lessons that can be purchased from her website.
In his group sessions, Kelly said his patients sit in a circle and begin by talking about their lives. Then Kelly tackles issues like stress management, communication skills and emotional intelligence to recognize the emotions causing the anger. “The idea is to really get to the bottom of what type of ‘stressers’ the clients have in their lives and then teach them things they can do to really get rid of the stress,” Kelly said. “The first step is to become aware of it.” Kelly said he also teaches patients exercise and relaxation techniques to alleviate their anger. He said his sessions are not designed to fix people overnight. “What it does for them is force them to take a look at themselves and think about what types of changes [they] need to make,” Kelly said.
Hoy encourages patients to take a time-out after their anger explodes. “Anger escalates within one to three seconds,” she said. “That hormonal surge does not dissipate.” Taking a Christian approach in her work, Hoy also suggests patients seek “a little supernatural help” and offer forgiveness once things have settled down. Both Hoy and Kelly admit there is somewhat of a social stigma attached to the anger management phenomenon made famous in the 2003 movie starring Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler. But their experiences show their instruction is valuable. “After [people] have taken it, they realize, ‘I did have an anger problem,’ Hoy said. “It kind of wakes them up.”

–Lynette J. Hoy is a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and an Anger Management Specialist. Lynette is a speaker, writer and co-author of the book, What’s Good About Anger? Order the What’s Good About Anger? leader/trainer certificate course for facilitating groups. Order the various anger management certificate courses, resources and video/DVD for managing anger.

Question:
Hi. I am a believer in Christ. I grew up in an abusive home, and was rejected and made fun of by my peers at school. Now, years later, I am still working on my self worth.
I know who I am in Christ, on a mental level, but still wrestle about being a doormat and non assertive. My problem, believe it or not, is I am struggling with anger..intense anger and frustration, about a co-worker who is a fellow believer, but acts like a holier than thou,better than thou, elitest. She is very condescending to me. She knows my weakness, and plays me. I know I need to learn to stand up, so I have begun on working on assertiveness.
I don’t respect her because of several things, including being a better than thou gossip. She has been in the office a lot longer than I and I have tried to respect that, but she rubs it in my face, saying things like I deserve the hardest work and problems because I am the newest one. I have been there almost seven years.This is just a tip of the iceberg of wha tgoes on…but I am coming out of my doormat hut..and am feeling.. ENOUGH!
She talked down to me in the office last Friday in front of everyone, about something I was innocent of. t was the final straw. I need to get a grip on this and do what God would have me do. She is NOT a person you can correct. My last boss could not correct her on anything. I feel embarassed when I have done something wrong,but I do listen. It should go both ways though. She would be shocked if I told her I do not consider her a friend. I have come to realize she is not, though, if she treats me like I am inferior to her. I feel like the office Cinderella, or a little like the blacks who were told to go eat in the back kitchen instead of being where the “proper”people were. I appreciate your prayers. I have to get off to work..but am glad I found this site.
Thanks, Linda

Answer: Dear Linda, thanks for posting your question.It’s very difficult working with someone like you describe who won’t take responsibility for her actions and behavior and at the same time, professes to be a Christian.First Steps: The most important step for you is to grow in assertiveness(speaking the truth in love) and to be able to forgive.I suggest you read about the ASERT approach.
A..sk for God’s Help:S..tate the Problem: E..xpress yourself: R..equest change & feedback:T..alk-it- out:Read the article at the link above to get a complete understanding as to how to communicate the issue you have with this co-worker.Don’t say anything about her not being a good friend to you… she doesn’t need to know that fact. Any real friend is someone you can trust and who treats you with respect.Confrontation: I suggest you confront her with the fact that you felt humiliated when she said “_____________________________________” in front of the group at work (use the exact wording she said which was disrespectful but, don’t accuse her of being disrespectful). Tell her that you have a request – that she come to you in private whenever she has a problem with you or your work in the future so you can discuss it one-on-one vs. bringing something up in front of a group. Tell her that coming to you privately will help improve your relationship and communication.If she continues to put you down in a group then, you need to ask your supervisor to mediate this issue between the two of you.No matter what happens, you need to have a come-back if this co-worker makes derogatory/accusatory remarks about you in front of a group.Practical suggestions:Interrupt her by saying, “excuse me. I think that it would be good for you to speak to me in private about this matter. I suggest we go to the coffee room or my office to discuss it.”Or paraphrase what she says, “You are saying that I was dishonest about_______________” or “You think that I should have been more responsible on the work project.” That way, you will be trying to clarify what she is saying and at the same time, it will be clear to the whole group that she is making an accusation against you. She may back-pedal and say, “oh no. That is not what I meant to say.” If she doesn’t back-down and keeps accusing you state that you disagree with her about the facts and that you need to talk with her in private about this – not in the group.People do not realize how hurtful words are. Proverbs says, “there is life and death in the tongue.”Write out what usually happens so you are ready the next time she says something hurtful in the group. You may even have to say, “what you just said was really hurtful and I disagree with you” in front of everyone. Saying this is the last straw but, will express your real feelings and the fact that her behavior is not appropriate.Ephesians 4:15 states, “speak the truth in love”. You do need to speak the truth and do it in love. You do need to defend yourself especially when a false accusation is made against you and harms your work record and reputation.God bless you! Commit to forgiving her. Start by reading about [url=http://www.hoyweb.com/faq/forgive2.asp]the power of forgiveness[/url]

~© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC~ Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Question: Pray for me

I am a 42 year old single man, professional, yet lonely. I cannot keep a healthy relationship with a female companion because I have a drinking problem. I consider myself a social alcoholic. I don’t drink everyday, but when I do I binge. What happens is a change my demeanor completely. I change from a easy going guy to a hateful, vulgar person who only hurts those that love me. My girlfriend of six months broke-up with me this last week. I did the most stupidest thing after having four drinks. I left her three disgustingly demeaning and vulgar voice-mails. Instead of respecting her and giving her time to think about us I burned the bridges that linked her to me.
For this and score of other incidences with other woman who truly cared for me and I have sabotaged relationships with I am truly, whole heartedly sorry.
Brother, I have knelt and prayed to my Lord and savior Jesus and asked for him forgiveness, for guidance and wisdom.
I need prayer. Please, pray for me. I too have started praying everyday and studying the scriptures. I am not ignorant in the ways of Christianity.I was raised in an Evangelical home, but was never faithful. Two nights ago when I full of despair I asked Jesus into my heart. Pray for me so I may stopped drinking and stop my verbally abusing the ones I love.

Answer: Dear Friend,
Thank you for writing. You have begun the process of moving through 3 of the 12 steps:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Continue to move forward: Your work is not done. You must come to realize that you cannot drink anymore. You must stop drinking completely or you will continue to be alone and abuse your relationships.
Jesus Christ can change your life – but, only if you turn it over daily to His control. That will mean getting rid of all rage, anger, brawling, malice, abusiveness, drunkenness and instead being filled with the Holy Spirit as these verses command:
Eph 4:30-32
“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” NIV

Eph 5:3-20
“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person-such a man is an idolater-has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.
8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14 for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:

“Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”

15 Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19 Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” NIV

Supernatural Power for Change: Your only hope for change is in Christ and in doing whatever it takes to stop drinking. You can’t do it without the power of Christ and without the commitment to change.
Make a plan. Begin to attend AA and Celebrate Recovery groups and an evangelical church in your area. Read: Addictions – What is the Cure?
You may think you can do this alone or that just you and the Lord can overcome the alcoholism – but, you will be wrong and you will fail. You need the support and guidance of tested and tried groups. You may need counseling. Your addiction has seriously impaired you and your relationships.
Admit the Truth: I will pray for you that you admit that you have more than a drinking problem – that you are an alcoholic because when you drink you binge. I will pray that you never stop realizing and surrendering your life to the control of Christ. I will pray that you have the courage to admit that you will go further than asking God for forgiveness and that you will make amends with those you have harmed. I will pray that you will stop and make a 180 degree turn in your life and never go back to drinking or to the bar scene. I will pray that you will recognize the harm and destruction drinking has caused in your life and the life of others. I will pray that you see that God has a plan for your life and can use you greatly if you continue to follow Christ versus the bottle. Resources: Get the books: The Purpose-Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For?: by Rick Warren and What’s Good About Anger? by Griffin and Hoy.
Read the articles and resources on: The National Association for Christian recovery and Christians in Recovery – Help and Support Group
God bless you! Read the many articles and advice on Ask the Counselor and KeepBelieving.com
If you would like a free book: Anchor for the Soul or FAQs about Christianity by Pastor Ray Pritchard – send me your name and address.
God bless you as you start a new life in Christ! All things are possible with God!
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

counselor@hoyweb.com
http://www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/
http://www.counselcareconnection.org/
http://www.saferelationships.net/“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:6

Response: “Thank you Lynette for being there for me at a time when I felt despondent. I have since the other night prayed for forgiveness and have repented. I’m studying the scriptures and plan to visit an Evangelical church. I have quit drinking. I think before I speak and I am not profane. I send love to all.”

Question: I cannot get angry. last week someone stole $40 from me and i didn’t even care. i always get into situations that should make me burst but i don’t. i am never angry, it might seem good but its terrible. i cant show any anger or anything. can i have some advice on getting angry and staying angry?
Guest
Answer:
Dear Friend, it seems like you have shut down your feelings. You know in your mind that you have a right to be angry but, your emotions are paralyzed. Maybe this is how you react to anything that should emit a negative emotion such as fear, frustration, irritation, hopelessness, loneliness, anger.
Disconnect: Maybe there’s a disconnect between the negative trigger that should cause anger and what you think and how you feel. In the past you may have learned that is was wrong to be angry or that any reaction you had was ignored or disregarded by your parents. You learned to stuff your feelings in childhood and thus, you still hold in your emotions now.
My question is: “what did you tell yourself when the person stole money from you last week?”
1. “it’s only money. I can get more. So what.” (minimized the loss)
2. “maybe the guy needed the money more than me.” (an overly-codependent response demonstrating low self-esteem)
3. “oh well… just another bad thing that happened to me. I can’t worry about this.” (hopeless talk)
Could it be you are depressed? Anger can be turned into depression, aggression, manipulation or a healthy assertiveness.
Maybe you rationalize anger and call it: stress, disappointment, fear, irritability….
So, now you want to respond to situations with anger – which call for it and situations which others would normally react with anger.
Anger situation log:
I suggest you write out what happened to you, ie., how someone stole money from you and the consequences.
Ask yourself: what are the losses I experienced because this guy stole money from me?
Maybe you could not afford to pay a bill or get a special gift for your wife, etc.
So, what will you have to do to recoup the money and pay the bill or buy the gift?
Are you feeling a twinge of tension in your neck or a knot in your stomach?
Do you hear yourself saying, “that was wrong. How unfair that I was violated! That guy should repay me!”
If you feel any of those physiological reactions and hear yourself saying any of these things – you are angry!
Step out on your anger: But, don’t leave your anger there. Take the energy it brings to you and try to do something about it. Make out a report of the theft to the police. If you know the person who stole it – ask for the money back and tell him/her that you will report it to the police if it is not returned. If you don’t do something – this person will continue to steal and may steal again from you. Use the energy you get from anger to resolve the issues that come up in your life.

~© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
~ Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Question: Problem with Anger and Violence..My step father had released all his problems when I was little and he beat me up and bruised me all over. And now he has stopped hurting but does not stop hurting my feelings. And he told me stay away from his brother and now I am allowed to near him but I often release all my anger and this is becoming serious problem. What can i do? The problem is I am becoming more violent.

Answer: Dear Friend,You seem to know where your anger is coming from – deep wounds of hurt, anger, resentment and damaged self-esteem due to the abuse from your step-father. Behaving in a violent manner though is bringing more damage to your own life and could land you in jail. Dealing with the past and the present:The question that comes to mind is: How can you work through the pain of the past and cope with the present relationship issues with your step-father in a healthy way? What you really want is to punish your step-father for the harm he has caused. But, will that restore your past and heal your wounds and self-esteem?
This man will probably never be able to give you what you want and need. The wounds, loss and self-image problems will take supernatural intervention to heal and commitment on your part to rebuild your life.

1. Start first by admitting your need for God and growing in your faith. Consider what Jesus Christ can do in your life. Jesus, the Son of God, came to earth with the mission of saving the world through His own suffering and sacrifice on the cross. Through faith in Him – you can know and be reconciled to God, become part of His family, be assured of forgiveness for your sins, know for certain you are going to heaven and experience the love of God which will rebuild your self-esteem and give meaning to your life. Order the book: Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren and read more about How to Know God Personally.

2. The next step is to admit that you have a problem with anger and resentment and that you need help for this. How can you learn to turn the hurt and disappointments you have into faith, assertiveness, problem-solving and forgiveness? This will be a process. But, you have to start to communicate your needs, opinions, thoughts in a direct and positive way without harming others.
If you continue to be hostile in your actions – you will not get what you want – relationships and reconciliation. Read about assertiveness and forgiveness. Order the book: What’s Good About Anger? to begin to learn your triggers for the anger inside and some coping skills such as the time-out and changing your self-talk in order to manage your anger.
Consider counseling. See the Amer. Assoc. of Christian Counselors for a listing of professionals in your area.

3. Taking control of Your Personal Life:This will all take time but, the most important goal now is for you to work on personal healing and managing anger so that you don’t add to the pain in your life. Yes, you will have to abide by your step-father’s decision about when to see your brother for now. When your brother is older and out of the house – you will have the freedom to get together without the interference of your step-father.

4. Seek God’s Help: Lastly, pray. Ask God for His perspective and for His unconditional love for this man who is like an ‘enemy’ to you. Jesus said, as He hung on the cross, “Father, forgive them (the perpetrators) for they know not what they do.”Look for support in an evangelical church. God bless you!
~© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.