Hi, I really, need some advice. I have a friend that is very sweet, and really, loves the Lord. We were the best of friends. I was going through a really, hard time when I met her. She so gently, and lovingly, used her gifts and time to help me..However, she knew that we were both from different religions. She a Pentecostal, me a Baptist. She wrote me a poem, and a letter, describing to me about her faith. Her intentions were to help me through my difficult time..but seemed to keep pressing the issues that her beliefs were the right way and mine were wrong. When I would say something to her about mine..Just being myself..Like for example..I would say “if It is God’s will”..My friend believes it’s never God’s will for sickness.etc. It seemed like she would try to convince me her way. I started becoming defensive..and we both started arguing. I then said, some very hurtful things to her. I apologized later..I even cried when I told her I was sorry. She closed the door on our friendship..She wouldn’t call me. And she’d tell me that we couldn’t be best friends any more..but that if I needed anything I could call her. I was so hurt. I hadn’t ever not been able to talk through the problems before with my other friends. We didn’t really speak for a whole year. Now, she is back in my life again. As if nothing has ever happened. My problem here is..that she doesn’t talk about any of it.. I want her to apologize..to me..for her part. She seems to act like I am the one to blame for all of it. I have tried to talk to her about it and she doesn’t really say anything. I still have unresolved issues. In order for us to grow and be good friends again.. I feel like I need to talk to her about everything. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you. DanielleAnswer
Dear Danielle,
Don’t press her to talk about it. It sounds like she is still very defensive and will not own up to the fact that she hurt your feelings as well. Maybe you need to recognize that you and she will never be really good friends because she is not willing to be honest, take responsibility for failures or offenses and work through anger towards forgiveness and reconciliation in a godly way.
What is Real Friendship?
Good Christian friends will demonstrate the fruit of the Holy Spirit in their lives and relationships. Ephes. 4:31-32 reads: “be kind and compassionate to one another – forgiving one another just as Christ Jesus forgave you.”
It seems to me that your friend is very controlling, she lacks compassion and forgiveness. Do you really want to pursue a deeper relationship with her?
What is God Teaching You? Consider this a lesson in what you want in a friendship or healthy relationship. Also, its obvious that her belief system is legalistic and dogmatic and does not adhere to biblical teachings. This difference will continue to cause friction between you and you may find the relationship too stressful.
I suggest you find friends who will help build up your faith, will respect you, consider your opinions and beliefs and who are willing to take responsibility for their actions.
Consider this a lesson to continue studying the Word of God and taking a stand for your convictions about what the Bible teaches. You are right about suffering. God allows it and uses it for our growth. Of course, He is not the author of evil but, He allowed His only Son – Jesus Christ to die a cruel death on the cross in order to accomplish His purpose of redemption for mankind. God can and does bring about good from allowing suffering in the world.
James 1:2-4 reads: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” NIV
Does God cause it or allow it? Christians disagree on this, but, some Christians teach that if you are suffering God will always heal you because it is not His will.
The answer to that is: Why did Paul still have a thorn in his flesh after he prayed to have it removed 3 times? Paul writes about the reason here in 2 Cor 12:7-9
“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”” NIV
I hope this is helpful for you. God bless!
~ © copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.