Question: Hi , I am really worried people close to me say I need help. This is why. I take things so personally things people do say or decisions they make. It really makes me angry! I think the way i treat others they should treat me the same. eye 4 an eye attitude really. This has made me have many fights. The main problem involves my girl Friend she is the main trigger of my psycho behavior. When we argue it can get nasty I would say i have a really long fuse when it comes to losing my rag. where as she loses it very fast,basically it gets to a point when I can’t be calm any more my body jus takes over I feel like an adrenaline rush a blow my top I cant stop this and lasts at least an least half hour I scream and shout argue like mad and feel like I want to lash out at her or people violently! Don’t get me wrong i have never and will never strike a girl. I just make my girlfreind very scared. we are both in love still and been together about a 2 years if you don’t count the break ups. The last thing I want is to lose her. I used to cry before the rage but now get angry straight away.Is this normal to have no way of stopping this temper?
My grandfather was a large tempered man could this have something to do with it?
Please help! Thank you.
Answer: Dear Friend, There may be a lot of triggers provoking you. It’s possible that drinking or smoking pot makes you vulnerable to anger and rage. Even though there are many triggers for anger, you do make the choice to get angry. It may seem like you don’t because the adrenaline overcomes you so quickly. That is part of the normal physiological response to a threatening situation which trips your fight/flight mechanism.
I like to put it this way: some people have a very fragile fight/flight mechanism because of learned patterns or reactions to frustrating situations, low self-esteem, disrespectful or rude behavior or blocked goals.
Obviously, there are times when you should be angry – the world needs anger. The world allows evil to go on because there isn’t enough anger to put an end to it.
But, the kind of rage you are describing could worsen unless you work on changing. I believe that learning to avoid triggers, gaining anger management skills and challenging your self-talk could really greatly defuse your anger. It helps to play some phrases in your head prior to a provoking situation such as:
“cool down”‘ “maybe he/she is having a bad day”; “this isn’t the end of the world”; “I can handle this later”; “take a time-out”, “I don’t want to let this get the best of me”, etc.
The way you perceive an event and what you say to yourself has a lot to do with how much anger you will experience. People with “hot self-talk” will lash out immediately because they think: “I shouldn’t put up with that”; “they have no right to treat me that way”; “they’ll pay for that”, etc.
When people are disrespectful of you – you can learn some assertiveness skills to paraphrase what they have said such as: “did I hear you correctly? Are you saying that you think I’m not keeping up with my share of the workload?”
Maybe they’ll say: “oh no. I didn’t mean to say that. I was just complaining about how much work there is to do.”
Obviously, you need to openly yet, tactfully confront someone who is calling you names or putting you down. You need to stand up for yourself. But, you don’t have to blow-up at them. When you blow-up people will think less of you.
You can say, “there is no cause to call me names. I find that disrespectful.” Most of the time, the person will apologize.
As far as your girlfriend is concerned – I think there are some underlying issues between you. Maybe you don’t feel respected and heard, and maybe she is worried about your commitment and love.
You may consider getting counseling. Often- just gaining an understanding of anger and learning better communication skills and how to avoid triggers can really be the key. God bless!
© copyright 2021 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-V and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.