Defusing Anger…

Did you know you can actually help drain someone else’s anger! King Solomon wrote a Proverb (15:1): “A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Giving a gentle answer worked for Gideon – a righteous man in the Old Testament. When the Midianites who were very angry accused him – he responded with a compliment and the passage goes on to say: “their anger subsided.”

Here’s a way to deal with someone who is trying to provoke you: Use this technique to confuse them… lighthearedly agree with them when they are making a critical comment about your clothes. This is called “fogging”.
Ex: “You really think I have no taste.”

Responding in such a way helps you maintain control by not taking the comment seriously. It breaks the escalation cycle by side-stepping an aggressive counterresponse (Feindler & Ecton).

Don’t let anyone make you angry!  Don’t give them any control over you and your emotions!
Order one of the What’s Good About Anger Institute anger management resources or courses/programs. ________________________________________________________________
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V, CCTP
Diplomate, Consultant and Trainer with the NAMA; Certified Anger Management Specialist-V; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C. Andy Anger Management Institute
What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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Improving Your Relationships

Strategies for Successful Relationships

© copyright 2023 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V

As we look at relationships today we have to ask: what has gone wrong? From work conflicts to child abuse to aggression in society, we watch as rage, betrayal, seduction and selfishness destroy lives and relationships. Marriages are falling apart, unhappy and conflictual. Families are abusive, strained, distant. Friendships are superficial, fragile and lack accountability. Business relationships are characterized by distrust, tension, competition and jealousy.


While relationships can seem formidable and difficult we still desire to be connected and enjoy great relationships – even in the workplace! What does it take to relate with others in a meaningful way? How can we personally overcome -anger- that enemy which causes so much relationship distress!

“All of us have experienced anger. Some of us have cringed under the rage in our families, struggled with it in our souls, felt it toward our friends, co-workers and loved ones. Some of us have shocked others with volcanoes of anger. The evidence abounds that we live in a mad, mad, mad world. Statistics report:

•23% of Americans openly express their anger.

•39% say they hold it in or hide it.

•23% say they walk away.

•23% confess to having hit someone.

•17% admit they have destroyed someone’s property out of anger.”

(Resource: What’s Good About Anger? by Lynette Hoy and Ted Griffin)

Nehemiah writes about his angry reaction to social injustice in the Old Testament. He took positive action to confront oppressive officials in Israel and reverse injustice. St. Paul provides instructions regarding anger in Ephesians 4:25-6 “In your anger, do not sin.. do not let the sun go down on your anger.”

Practical strategies for handling anger:

When a co-worker says harshly: “You didn’t let me know you were going to lunch early and I ended up taking all the calls!” or

When your boss states indignantly: “You didn’t finish the contract and now, we’ve missed the deadline!”

Rather than lashing out in anger, defensiveness or concealing it, you can pray to God to help you respond with a gentle answer, and assertiveness such as:

…”I am sorry that you had so many calls while I was gone. I did mention to you that I would be going to lunch early this morning. Any ideas on how we can avoid this situation in the future?”

…”Say more about the contract deadline please? I understood the deadline was tomorrow.”

When you are able to control your anger, it may help defuse the other person’s anger and promote respectful dialogue. Take a risk this week and turn your anger into a gentle assertiveness. Learning strategies to overcome anger – a prime relationship enemy – will get you further down the road to success in all your relationships.”

Lynette J. Hoy, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, speaker, writer and and author. Order her books, What’s Good About Anger? . Contact Lynette at: counselor@hoyweb.com or at 630-368-1880.

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Can’t Let Go of Anger

Question: Basically one of those little things happen where somebody is rude or whatever, and I cannot it go, it bothers me forever. And in most cases, I’ve done nothing wrong, and I should just be able to go, “Wow, what a jerk,” and move on. But I find myself replaying the situation over and over in my head, and I just want to yell at them.

Very rarely am I able to actually communicate with the person and tell them they hurt my feelings. Couple of examples, At the coffee place where I work, a regular came in, and my co-worker was on her break, but the regular was like, “Are you [her] going to make my drink?” And the girl was like, “No, I’m on my break.” So I start making it, and the lady goes over to talk with my coworker and tells her, (she doesn’t realize I can hear her) “I don’t want her making it” … To my coworker, in front of ANOTHER coworker, and in front of other customers. I am really good at what I do, and I can’t think of any reason why she wouldn’t want me to make it. Honestly, I’ve heard from almost every customer, that I’m a better barista than the girl she was talking to. I actually got the strength to say something to her the next time she came in.

Okay, check this out… her “problem” with me: She get’s a smoothie. She get’s whipped cream on top. We use home made whipped cream out of a seltzer dispenser. Sometimes, there’s a lot of pressure in the container, and she got a drink on the first squirt of the container, so some of the whipped cream went to the bottom of her cup. She got all upset and said I was “cheating” her. I explained… told her that we used recipes, and that she got the amount she was supposed to… so that’s what she had been holding onto. I’m just flabbergasted that a grown woman would not only be so petty, but would dispay the sort of catty behavior I expect from a girl in junior high school.

This was like two weeks ago and I can’t let it go. I keep thinking of what smart thing I could say to her the next time she comes in.  I cannot describe in words how rudely and condesendingly she treats me. Beyond that, this woman is a moron.  I was so angry at the way she had talked to me, and in front of a bunch of people, that I told her never mind, because she’s an idiot and stormed out.  She used to come into the print shop I worked, and I’d help her make stupid collages. It wasn’t my job, and if I’d cut something wrong, she could (and probably would) have freaked out, but that’s the kind of stuff you do in small towns. I just like want to be in a situation where she needs something from me and I can just remind her of this little incident.
It’s really hard to interact with people and I just feel like these little “tiffs” are too hard. I can’t get over them. Please advise, Angryalot

Answer:

Dear Friend, thanks for posting. You wrote: “Basically one of those little things happen where somebody is rude or whatever, and I cannot it go, it bothers me forever. And in most cases, I’ve done nothing wrong, and I should just be able to go, “Wow, what a jerk,” and move on. But I find myself replaying the situation over and over in my head, and I just want to yell at them. Very rarely am I able to actually communicate with the person and tell them they hurt my feelings..
“My advice is this: In your examples I believe you have a right to be angry. On the other hand, you are suffering mentally and emotionally since you can’t let the situations go and become obsessed with hurt and anger for a long period of time. In our book: What’s Good About Anger? we write about: “What Happens in the Process of Anger?” First there is a threat to self– which is exacerbated by poor self-concept, negative self-evaluations, frustration, fear, disappointment and leads to anger. Paul Hauck explains the 6 levels of thought involved when one becomes angry
1. “I want something”
2. “I didn’t get what I wanted and am frustrated”
3. “It is awful and terrible not to get what I want”
4. “You shouldn’t frustrate me! I must have my way.”
5. “You’re bad for frustrating me.”
6. “Bad people ought to be punished”

This thinking goes awry when one begins to catastrophize and think – it is awful and terrible to not get what I wanted, ie., respect, consideration, fairness, etc. Challenging your thinking is important. People are unfair. People can be disrespectful and disappointing. But, should their behavior cause you to be unhappy for days on end? Is it worth it to be so controlled by them that you can’t function or experience peace in your life? Do these people have that much power over you? Does their opinion of you change your worth or significance?

Read and apply the thinking ahead skills found in the Whats Good About Anger? Book such as: “take it one step at a time”, keep your breathing even”, “stick to the issue”, etc. Also, it’s very important for you to build your self-worth and discover your purpose in life.
In order to prevent rumination about past hurfful events and decrease fear about future conflicts – you can learn to be assertive and prepare for future scenarios. Read about how to Assert Yourself in our books. By challenging and changing your thinking, growing in self-esteem and learning new communication skills – you will find more confidence to handle these people and situations.
At some point, you will need to forgive and let it go. The people may not change – but, you will be set free! God bless!

© copyright 2023 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V, CCTP.

Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, a National Certified Counselor, Certified Anger Management Specialist-V and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. She is the co-author of all editions of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Can’t Get Rid of the Rage!

Question: Hi , I am really worried people close to me say I need help. This is why. I take things so personally things people do say or decisions they make. It really makes me angry! I think the way i treat others they should treat me the same. eye 4 an eye attitude really. This has made me have many fights. The main problem involves my girl Friend she is the main trigger of my psycho behavior. When we argue it can get nasty I would say i have a really long fuse when it comes to losing my rag. where as she loses it very fast,
basically it gets to a point when I can’t be calm any more my body jus takes over I feel like an adrenaline rush a blow my top I cant stop this and lasts at least an least half hour I scream and shout argue like mad and feel like I want to lash out at her or people violently! Don’t get me wrong i have never and will never strike a girl. I just make my girlfreind very scared. we are both in love still and been together about a 2 years if you don’t count the break ups. The last thing I want is to lose her. I used to cry before the rage but now get angry straight away.Is this normal to have no way of stopping this temper?
My grandfather was a large tempered man could this have something to do with it?
Please help! Thank you.

Answer: Dear Friend, There may be a lot of triggers provoking you. It’s possible that drinking or smoking pot makes you vulnerable to anger and rage. Even though there are many triggers for anger, you do make the choice to get angry. It may seem like you don’t because the adrenaline overcomes you so quickly. That is part of the normal physiological response to a threatening situation which trips your fight/flight mechanism.
I like to put it this way: some people have a very fragile fight/flight mechanism because of learned patterns or reactions to frustrating situations, low self-esteem, disrespectful or rude behavior or blocked goals.
Obviously, there are times when you should be angry – the world needs anger. The world allows evil to go on because there isn’t enough anger to put an end to it.
But, the kind of rage you are describing could worsen unless you work on changing. I believe that learning to avoid triggers, gaining anger management skills and challenging your self-talk could really greatly defuse your anger. It helps to play some phrases in your head prior to a provoking situation such as:
“cool down”‘ “maybe he/she is having a bad day”; “this isn’t the end of the world”; “I can handle this later”; “take a time-out”, “I don’t want to let this get the best of me”, etc.
The way you perceive an event and what you say to yourself has a lot to do with how much anger you will experience. People with “hot self-talk” will lash out immediately because they think: “I shouldn’t put up with that”; “they have no right to treat me that way”; “they’ll pay for that”, etc.
When people are disrespectful of you – you can learn some assertiveness skills to paraphrase what they have said such as: “did I hear you correctly? Are you saying that you think I’m not keeping up with my share of the workload?”
Maybe they’ll say: “oh no. I didn’t mean to say that. I was just complaining about how much work there is to do.”

Obviously, you need to openly yet, tactfully confront someone who is calling you names or putting you down. You need to stand up for yourself. But, you don’t have to blow-up at them. When you blow-up people will think less of you.
You can say, “there is no cause to call me names. I find that disrespectful.” Most of the time, the person will apologize.

As far as your girlfriend is concerned – I think there are some underlying issues between you. Maybe you don’t feel respected and heard, and maybe she is worried about your commitment and love.

You may consider getting counseling. Often- just gaining an understanding of anger and learning better communication skills and how to avoid triggers can really be the key. God bless!

© copyright 2021 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-V and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

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Suffering, Evil and Anger

Question:

Dear Counselor: I cannot understand why God allows tragedies such as school shootings, abuse of children, wars, and disasters like hurricanes, tornadoes, wildfires, earthquakes and more. If God is so good, why does/did He allow good people and Christians to suffer and be killed. These seem to be senseless tragedies and it has shaken my faith…

Answer: Dear Friend, Please consider the wisdom of this article. May it help your faith and comfort your heart.

The dilemma of evil and suffering.
We are gripped with the age-old question of why there is so much suffering and evil in the world today like terrorism, wars, child abuse, murders and disasters. Many of these horrific events are caused by evil people. These examples of destructive deeds, events and senseless actions cause us to feel anger, sadness and deep pain. There are no pat answers which can sufficiently explain these evil and horrific events.
In the Bible we read about many kinds of calamities and evil perpetrated by men against other men.

The Lord recognizes and hates the evil in men:
Gen 6:5 “The LORD saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time.” (NIV)
Judg 3:7 “The Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD; they forgot the LORD their God and served the Baals and the Asherahs.” (NIV)

There were many evil Kings in the Bible. Manasseh was one of them: 2 Chr 33:6
“He sacrificed his sons in the fire in the Valley of Ben Hinnom, practiced sorcery, divination and witchcraft, and consulted mediums and spiritists. He did much evil in the eyes of the LORD, provoking him to anger”. (NIV)

David wrote about the evil deeds of men:
Ps 38:20 “Those who repay my good with evil slander me when I pursue what is good”. (NIV)
Ps 71:4 “Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men.+ (NIV)

Sorting through the dilemma.
In Answers to Tough Questions Skeptics Ask about the Christian Faith by Josh McDowell and Don Stewart we read an insightful answer to the dilemma of evil & suffering in the world:
“Sometimes the problem of evil is put to the Christian in the form of a complex question, “If God is good, then He must not be powerful enough to deal with all the evil and injustice in the world since it is still going on. If He is powerful enough to stop wrongdoing, then He Himself must be an evil God since He’s not doing anything about it even though He has the capability. So which is it? Is He a bad God or a God that’s not all powerful?” Though many writers in the Bible complained about suffering and evil….the Scriptures make it plain that God did not create the world in the state in which it is now, but evil came as a result of the selfishness of man. The Bible says that God is a God of love and He desired to create people in his image and eventually a race that would love Him. But genuine love cannot exist unless freely given through free choice and will and thus man was given the choice to accept God’s love or to reject it. The choice made the possibility of evil become very real. When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they did not choose something God created, but, by their choice, they brought evil into the world. God is neither evil nor did He create evil. Man brought evil upon himself by selfishly choosing his own way apart from God’s way.”

So blaming God for suffering and evil in the world is like saying “You shouldn’t have given us a choice Lord. You should have made us love you and forced us to obey you.” But that would not have been real love. Real love is a choice. Would you want to force someone to love you? When you walk(ed) down the aisle, and say (said) “I do”, what would it feel like if you were told you had no choice but to love the person and marry him/her or else? God has been very fair and righteous to give us a choice about loving Him. We, unfortunately, made the decision to go our own way rebelling against God. So now we have to live with the consequences of choosing our independence and sin instead of Him. Our rebellion and broken relationship with God has brought a tremendous amount of evil and suffering in the world.

Still we wonder how this type of senseless evil could occur. And why do God’s innocent children suffer? Why does He not intervene?
Somehow we are struck again with the realization that life is not fair, that life is short and that at any time we could be thrust into eternity.
How can we deal with the uncertainty and unfairness of life and deal with the anger we feel? How can we help others to deal with this?
C.S. Lewis’ books The Problem of Pain and Mere Christianity have had a profound impact on many lives helping people understand the cause of evil and suffering and why God allows it.
Lewis estimates that 4/5 of human suffering is caused by human beings being wicked to one another.
In The Problem of Pain, Lewis wrote: “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
“The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and pose an obstacle to our return to God… Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.” C.S. Lewis

Lewis teaches us that we must remember- this world is not our home, we are just passing through. There is another world we are going to. And Christians are not exempt from suffering in this world. But if you are unsure about your standing with God then it is of crucial importance to make certain you know where you are headed for eternity. Jesus talked about hell more than heaven. He said some very profound things about both which need to be taken seriously.
Jesus said in John 3:36 “Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on him.”
John 11:25-26
“Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.”” (NIV)

Jesus is not just some great teacher. For him to claim to be God, the provider of eternal life, the Savior and Lord over all… he must either be who he said he is — the Lord or he must be a liar or lunatic. 

In light of these traumas and evils how shall we live? Let us be certain about our destiny by trusting solely in Christ for our salvation, not in works or anything else. St. Paul writes in Ephesians 2:8-9 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith– and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God– not by works, so that no one can boast.” (NIV)

Let us live fervently for Christ ready to be martyred for our faith and to fill up His sufferings bringing glory to God. Let us find comfort in Christ when these things occur. For Jesus said: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, & you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matt 11:28-30 (NIV)

Let us trust that God has a plan and purpose for us when suffering and evil abound in the world and personally touch us.
Let us abide in Christ to know His power and strength for living in everything we experience for Paul writes in Phil 4:13 “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (NIV)
Let us not be afraid to grieve the losses in life or face the uncertainties in the future.
Let us be motivated to process the anger we feel and let that energy help us do the right thing when we face crisis, danger and evil. Let us leave vengeance up to God.
Let us grow close to our Father in heaven to experience His presence saying with the Psalmist in Ps 23:4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” (NIV)
Let us be ready to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. This does not mean we should let go of consequences towards perpetrators or trust those who continue to cause harm and abuse.
Let us put our hope in heaven because this world is not our home and Jesus has said in John 14:1-6 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.
In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.
You know the way to the place where I am going.”
Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”” (NIV)

If you need to talk with a counselor contact AACC for a referral to a counseling professional in your area. See our hotlines page for more resources. Or write to Lynette Hoy  Read more articles at http://www.counselcareconnection.org/

I recommend reading the following books:
Anchor for the Soul by Ray Pritchard
Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve by Lewis Smedes
Recovering from the Losses of Life by H. Norman Wright
——————————————————————————–

Do you know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?
When we place our trust in Jesus Christ asking Him for forgiveness of our sins and eternal life… He promises to give these spiritual gifts to us. That is when you will truly be able to have the supernatural power to go on with your life. And when we experience God’s forgiveness in Christ, then we are able to forgive others. Rom. 6:23 says: “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” That means that everyone of us will suffer eternal death and separation from God because of the sin in our lives (which we not only do but have inherited) unless we place our trust in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior we receive the GIFT of eternal life. We don’t have to DO anything to receive a gift…just take it! Our sins are then totally forgiven. Jesus died on the cross to pay the penalty for the sins of the whole world. But we have to trust in Him.

Alternative religious views have saviors who remain in the grave. No other belief system offers everlasting life as a free gift to those who put their trust in it’s leaders. None of those leaders has overcome death. No other belief system offers assurance of forgiveness, eternal life, and adoption into the family of God.

Jesus Christ offers you salvation because He died for your sins and rose from the dead. You can call on God and trust in His Son in the same way a drowning person calls for help and relies on the rescue of a lifeguard. Romans 10:9 says: “That if you confess with your mouth,

“Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved”.(NIV)

The salvation Christ offers does not depend on what we have done for Him, but on our acceptance in who He is and what He has done for us. Instead of moral and religious effort, this salvation requires a helpless admission of our sins. Instead of personal accomplishments, it requires confession of failure to meet God’s standard of holiness. Unlike all other belief systems, Christ asks us to trust solely in Him and His work on the cross and to commit our lives to Him–not to merit salvation but as an expression of gratitude, love, and confidence in the One who has saved us solely by grace (the unmerited favor of God). Eph 2:8-9 says: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith– and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast”.(NIV) Rom 6:23 says: “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”(NIV)

Won’t you consider asking Christ into your life today. Just pray simply:

Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner in need of forgiveness. I turn my life over to you because I believe that You died for my sins and You are the only way to heaven and to have peace with God. You are the only One who can save and forgive me. Please cleanse me of my sins, come into my life and change me today. In Jesus’ Name I ask this. Amen
In Matt 28:20 Jesus says this: “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (NIV)

I John 5:20 says: “We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true– even in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life.”(NIV)

If you have just placed your trust in Jesus Christ, you are now a Christian on your way to heaven and nothing can separate you from the love of Christ. You are starting a brand new life. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says it this way, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he/she is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”. Your sins have been paid for. Your slate has been wiped clean. Jesus said in John 10:10, “I have come that they might have life and have it more abundantly.” He was saying that you will discover that your present life is more meaningful and hopeful now that you have a relationship with the God of the universe.

To grow in your new relationship with Christ, attend a solid Bible teaching church to learn more and to fellowship with God’s family. Read your Bible and pray everyday. Start by reading the gospel of John in the New Testament.

If you have prayed this prayer please email Lynette Hoy and include your name and address. You will receive the free book: An Anchor for the Soul- Help for the Present, Hope for the Future by Pastor Ray Pritchard. God bless you! Some other books I recommend are: 

Answers to Tough Questions Skeptics Ask about the Christian Faith by Josh McDowell and Don Stewart
How You Can be Sure You will Spend Eternity with God by Erwin Lutzer

© copyright 2022 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

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Worry Turned into Anger….

Question: Hi,  I’ve always had somewhat of a nasty temper. Over the years I thought I had controlled it. Mostly due to hanging with someone who had a horrible temper too, so in order to be not like him I calmed myself. Well at times when I worry about people, I get annoyed and soon I am very angry.Today was a very bad day.My friend’s family needed some help cleaning their house so my friend came down and tried to get me to help. We did and then he stayed the night. We woke the next day at 8:30AM and worked and cleaned all day. The whole day turned out bad because there was nothing but fighting and arguing between my friend and his siblings – one who just recently got out of Prison.

My Mom got involved to the point of threatening the siblings. I felt panicky but by the time I returned home I was furious. I got so mad cause she was calling my friend’s family all sorts of names.  I got ticked off and kicked my pop into a candle and into my Mom’s drink.

Then I got upstairs and realized what I did. I.. I always lecture my friend about his temper but mine may be worse. I.. I need to get rid of this anger or at least not do anything like that. Help?  Signed: Troubled

Answer:

It’s typical for people to turn worry and fear into anger. Anger feels better than fear. When we’re angry – we think we have some control. Fear causes us to feel out-of-control and vulnerable.

That’s why it’s so important to deal with the real emotion behind anger.
Here are some steps to take when you first recognize you are fearful or annoyed

1. Ask yourself: What is this all about?  What is going on?  You may not be able to think this through immediately so,

2. Take a break (time-out) to cool-down. You need to work through the physiological effects of anger.

3. Then, ask yourself: What is it that I need? What would help me achieve my personal goals in a healthy way?

4. Express your feelings after you and the other person have cooled down. Say: “Mom, I’m upset that you threatened my friend’s family. That was unnecessary and harmful. I’m asking that you don’t do this again. In fact, I want you to apologize for your actions.”

Your Mom may not heed your request but, you need to get your feelings out and call her into account.  What she did was wrong.

But, the important issue is that you get control of your anger. If you can begin to:
-identify your triggers,
-explore and recognize the emotions and issues underlying your anger, and
-express your feelings and thoughts in appropriate ways – you will get further down the road to managing your anger and overcoming your fears.

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, CAMS-V, Supervisor, Consultant with NAMA; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
Anger Management Institute blog, podcasts and resources

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Anger at Work….

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I don’t really know where to begin… I’m 22. I work at a daycare, and each day I take care of between 6-10 children from age of 7 mo. – 1 year 4 mo. It is stressful. The kids cry … Continue reading

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Forgiveness is Possible!

When we are working through anger — it always brings up questions about forgiveness. Why? Because anger feels justified. Anger is a moral emotion. 

We want remuneration. We want recognition for what we have lost or consolation for how we have been hurt. We are right and someone has wronged us. Sometimes there is nothing anyone can say that will remove the pain we feel or comfort the wounds we have endured. 

When we work through anger — we move through many phases. We try to identify the wrong or what really happened to us. Then, as we recognize the wrong and the person(s) involved we want to be paid back or maybe even want revenge. We want the offender to feel the pain they inflicted on us. Sometimes, we can experience a sort of reconciliation after he/she apologizes or tries to compensate us. But, often there is no way to remove the inner turmoil we are experiencing. And often others don’t apologize or their apology doesn’t seem sincere.

What to do? Forgiveness is a process. its important to recognize that it will take time to work through the pain and the problem and sort through any misconceptions we may have as well.

Just like grief— we all need to work through what has happened, understand what can be done and what cannot be undone, think through how we can adapt and then, how we can move forward. Just like grief, we need to experience the emotional upheaval and allow the executive part of our brain time to think through the issues, options and problem-solve. 

During this process —you can pray. You can read Psalms and ask God for his wisdom, hope and help. Write out your thoughts and feelings. Write out what your life is going to look like when you no longer are trapped by resentment. Write out how you can let the anger and resentment go. What does that look like? What will it mean in your relationship with that person? Feel the fresh air of forgiveness pour over you. 
Put your anger and resentment at the foot of the cross where Christ died for the sins of the whole world. Leave it there. Walk away. Jesus said when he was hanging on the cross, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34) He knew the evil that was in men’s hearts and yet he forgave them for crucifying him. We can ask him for the power to forgive. 

These articles and podcasts and resources are here to help you move through the pain of resentment and unforgiveness towards the light of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the path to recover and heal from the wounds of anger and resentment. Take heart. Forgiveness is possible! Forgiveness takes time. And it doesn’t mean you are going to let someone abuse you or walk all over you. You can set boundaries. You can decide to forgive. You can start your journey here: The Power of Forgiveness and then, read these articles and podcasts geared to help you take the path of forgiveness!

© copyright 2023 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V

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