Rage and Jealousy

Question:
Lynette, I have a rage problem when it comes to jealousy. It begins with a jealousy problem and turns into an out of control rage problem where I want to throw things, curse, cry, yell, and push or hit.I know you have an anger-management course, and when I can, I will purchase it. But* I am constantly “worried” and “overly- preocuppied” w/ tormenting thoughts that whatever person I am w/ is thinking sexually about someone else’s body, or, is going to, or has and has not told me, or has lied to me about it, or will lie to me about it. I fear greatly whoever I am w/ will “lust” and when I notice the guy I’m w/ looking at a female for a little longer or looking at a particular part, I go insanely jealous, and want to “get back” and “take revenge” and hurt him back so he knows how much this hurts me..my mouth gets out of control and soon I am in tears and break something..this has lead to fights and separations I do not want, but I feel insecure that my body is not as pretty as the other woman’s and that he “might” think the other one is and wish he had it or compare it to mine, and not like mine anymore. I have read Purpose Driven Life and Experiencing God, but it is the Jealousy Rage I cannot control! I want to honor God and love in “trust” but cannot stop thinking these things constantly,daily. Please pray it will stop. I have prayed and when the emotions come, I DO NOT KNOW HOW* TO HANDLE THEM!Answer:
Dear Friend, thank you for writing. Certainly, your rage and jealousy problem are out of control and if you were to take our Anger survey I could predict that you would fall into category 111 which means you have a “severe problem with anger”.
Here is a summary of your comments: “I have a rage problem when it comes to jealousy…But* I am constantly “worried” and “overly- preocuppied” w/ tormenting thoughts that whatever person I am with…I fear greatly whoever I am with will “lust”…I feel insecure that my body is not as pretty as the other woman’s…but it is the Jealousy Rage I cannot control! I want to honor God and love in “trust” but cannot stop thinking these things constantly,daily….I have prayed and when the emotions come, I DO NOT KNOW HOW* TO HANDLE THEM!”

What is the real problem underlying your rage and anger? And what can you do about your problem? May I suggest that your problem is not the man you are with or the other women with whom you compete or even a preoccupation about your appearance and your sexuality. You are looking to find yourself – you are searching for significance and security. You believe that if someone really demonstrates that you are the best woman – the most attractive woman ever – that you will finally feel good about yourself. You are really trying to convince yourself that you are a person of value and worth. Since you are not convinced – you are hoping that a man’s attraction to and attention towards you will cause you to feel better about who you are.
There’s a problem with what you are doing. It’s not working. The men you are dating can’t give you enough attention and if they did – you would find their attention quotient – deficient no matter what. The only one who can convince you that you are a valuable person is YOU! The only one who can really affect how you think about yourself is GOD.
The only one who can control your anger is YOU. The only one who can really help you with your anger is GOD. You have an obsession with the focus of your life and what is meaningful in life.
What will it matter 10 years from now – whether someone is prettier or sexier than you? What will it matter when you are 65? Especially, if you have driven away with your jealousy and rage – people who are most important in your life.

The real question is What are you living for? Since you read The Purpose Driven Life – it sounds that you were not really impacted by the challenge of the book….
What is Rick Warren’s challenge? To worship God, to fellowship with other believers, to grow to be like Christ, to serve others and to be on a mission to win the world to Christ.
In order to really live out the purpose God has for you – you need to become Christ-centered versus Me-centered. Right now the focus is “all about you”. Yes, it may be due to your insecurities and some brokenness in your past – but, you can change.

Jesus Christ can make the difference in your life. You can put Christ at the center and give up all the rage and anger and pain in your heart. You see, when a person is so focused on getting their needs met but, doing it themselves- their life revolves around themselves and they are living in idolatry. Whatever need you have underneath the anger and jealousy becomes the focus of your life instead of God. The answer is simple – God can meet your need but, you can’t focus on that need anymore. You can pray about it – but, God needs to be on the throne of your life. Give up the anger – give up the rage – give up yourself – surrender it all to Jesus.
Ask for forgiveness for making your need the center of your life. Ask Jesus to take center-stage. Give Him your heart and mind and all your longings.
Turn from the sins of jealousy and rage and sexual idolatry. Ask Jesus to cleanse you from these sins and take over. Put yourself and your pain at the foot of the cross – where every hurt and bitterness melts into forgiveness. Let Jesus make you a new person today. You need professional counseling because you are manifesting signs of depression and paranoia along with low self-esteem, rage and obsessions.
Find a counselor in your area in the directory of professional counselors at American Association of Christian Counselors. Read about how to overcome Jealousy. Stop looking for fulfillment and happiness in others. Let Jesus bring that inner joy in your life that only He can bring. Read through the Gospel of John. God bless you in your journey to find freedom from the bondage of Rage and jealousy and to discover a whole new life!

© copyright 2005 by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection, National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.

Response: “wow. thanks for replying, I almost thought you would be too busy, but great email, thank you very much. the part of read the gospel of John and ..freedom from the bondage of jealousy made me laugh but the part about idolatry made me think about it more seriously. I never thought of it that way, like my life focus being my need, or even that i had value and worth insecurities. I will pray to God and thank you again for all your help. I will ask the Lord to make me see me the way he does. Jealous”

This entry was posted in Anger Management, Rage. Bookmark the permalink.