Question: I just “outed” my father on a message board; he’s a legend in the music industry and people think he’s a god. He has abused me all of my life and it feels so good to tell the truth about what a monster he is. God, it feels so good. It was scary at first, because my inner child has NEVER been able to vent any anger but I’m feeling better about it now. I recently found out he has a failing heart and the first thing that went through my mind is “The monster is dying!” Has anyone else felt this way? Answer:
Dear Friend, I’m not sure what you mean when you say: “the monster is dying!”? Are you relieved? Is there some feeling of empathy towards your father – though he has caused you so much pain?
I wonder if you can start the road towards healing right now? What will it take to forgive him? Would you consider taking steps to confront him with your hurt and pain without hostility or hate and tell him you want to reconcile? What will it be like after he is dead? Will you regret that you never tried to forgive and reconcile?
My father was abusive towards us. I learned with the help of God to forgive him – it was a great relief and brought healing.
Read about The Power of Forgiveness.
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” M. McCourt
Forgiveness is a choice and it is a process. It sounds like your parents’ issues (addictions, narcissism?, etc.) prevent them from having healthy relationships.
The perspective I took about my father was that he was lost – a sinner – unable to change unless he wanted to change. I looked at him as the ‘real victim’ of himself and satan. It helped me to get past the hurt and forgive.
I’m not into ‘cheap forgiveness’. I believe one needs to confront the perpetrator and hold him/her responsible. Forgiveness doesn’t mean there are no consequences for the offender.
Sounds like you have turned the anger you feel into hatred. But, since you asked this question – I wonder if you are wanting to begin working through the turmoil of the past? It will take time because it is a grieving process. May God bless you and bring complete healing to your life.
_________________
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Diplomate, AAAMP; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
What’s Good About Anger Institute blog, podcasts and resources
It sounds like your parents’ issues (addictions, narcissism?, etc.) prevent them from having healthy relationships.The perspective I took about my father was that he was lost – a sinner – unable to change unless he wanted to change. I looked at him as the ‘real victim’ of himself and satan. It helped me to get past the hurt and forgive.I’m not into ‘cheap forgiveness’. I believe one needs to confront the perpetrator and hold him/her responsible. Forgiveness doesn’t mean there are no consequences for the offender.Sounds like you have turned the anger you feel into hatred. But, since you asked this question – I wonder if you are wanting to begin working through the turmoil of the past? It will take time because it is a grieving process. May God bless you and bring complete healing to your life._________________Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, NAMA Diplomate, ; President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.