Question: My step father released all his problems when I was little and he beat me up bruised me all over. And now he has stopped hurting but does not stop hurting my feelings. And he told me stay away … Continue reading
Serious Problem with Anger
Strategies for Successful Relationships… 5/1/18
Managing Conflict – Part One © copyright 2018
If you’re a living, breathing human-being, you will have conflict. The only people who don’t are dead. If you have an opinion on anything you will disagree with someone and engage in conflict. Conflict is an inevitable part of life, work and relationships. What happens when you face conflicts at work? What if a co-worker doesn’t make the deadline with his or her part of a combined project? How do you handle it when your boss asks you to do something unethical? What is your reaction to a co-worker who falsely accuses you for losing a big contract? Do you tend to hold your tongue? Do you wait to see what will happen? Or do you confront, defend and blowup?Facing conflict in relationships is difficult. We all want peace, co-operation, harmony and resolution. Conflict can result in either problem-solving and resolution or an all-out war!
Conflictual scenarios can prevent collaboration and cause relationship breakdown unless you have the skills to manage it. How you approach conflict greatly impacts the outcome.
Insights: Every book of the Bible contains examples of conflict. A godly attitude, response and prayer can make a huge difference in how the process unfolds. Gideon had a remarkable gift for defusing anger and conflict. In Judges 8:1-3 the Ephraimites accused and criticized Gideon sharply. Gideon’s response was truthful, gentle and complimentary. This caused their resentment and anger towards him to subside proving the principle found in Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prayer is essential. Pray that your attitude will be loving and that God will provide you with His wisdom and insight to work through the issue. Paul exhorts us to: “always keep on praying” and to “do everything in love.” in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (TLB) and 1 Cor 16:14 (NIV).
Prayer is essential. Pray that your attitude will be loving and that God will provide you with His wisdom and insight to work through the issue. Paul exhorts us to: “always keep on praying” and to “do everything in love.” in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (TLB) and 1 Cor 16:14 (NIV).Practical strategies for managing conflict:
Here are some Ways to help you Sum Up what the speaker is saying:
“I was able to complete my part of the project but, I do not have time to take on your portion as well.”
Write out a scenario when you experienced conflict at work or home. Envision how you could respond by using the time-out, Sum-Up skills and communicating your viewpoint.
Why not discover how you can better manage conflict and prevent relationship breakdown? Using conflict resolution skills along with prayer and God’s wisdom will give you greater opportunity for success in the workplace.”
Excerpt from: What’s Good About Anger? Fourth edition.
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
NAMA Supervisor, Diplomate, Consultant.
President, CounselCare Connection, P.C.
Anger Management Institute:
Anger blogs, podcasts, courses and DVDs
Write out a scenario when you experienced conflict at work or home. Envision how you could respond by using the time-out, Sum-Up skills and communicating your viewpoint. Write out a scenario when you experienced conflict at work or home. Envision how you could respond by using the time-out, Sum-Up skills and communicating your viewpoint.
How to Defuse Hostile People…
Deal With Person’s Feelings First
An angry person needs to have the issue AND their feelings addressed in order to start interacting constructively. The angrier the person, the more important it is to acknowledge their anger through the use of empathy statements and listening responses FIRST, before moving on to the issue. Problem solving with angry people often results in wasted time unless they are ready to participate calmly.
Begin To Defuse Early
Angry and frustrated people usually indicate their mood prior to opening their mouths and beginning a hostile attack. One way to address or pre-empt the attack is to begin the defusing process before the other person gets on an abusive rant. For example, in the dialogue with Mary and Peter, Mary might have noticed Peter standing in her doorway looking rather irate and angry, and spoken first using an empathy type response like: “Hi, Peter, you look like you are really upset with something. What’s up?” Something as simple as that might have made a huge difference in setting a more respectful tone for the interaction.
Be Assertive, Not Manipulative, Passive or Aggressive
You have a right to take action, or impose consequences in situations where someone has stepped over the line in their comments or behaviors. In fact, if you don’t speak up for yourself in these situations bully-type people will perceive you as an acceptable victim for their poor behavior. When using assertive type statements or setting up consequences, do not dwell on the way the person is communicating any more than necessary. Make your statement, then refocus the conversation back to the issue. With respect to Mary and Peter this is one way Mary might have responded. Read the rest of this article on Conflict911.com by Bacal & Associates..
Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
CounselCare Connection, P.C. – Anger Management Institute
1200 Harger Road, Suite 602 – Oak Brook, IL 60523
Credentials and Benefits of The Anger Management Institute Training Certification
Many leaders and professionals have asked why they should take the Anger Management Institute (AMI) training programs and workshops to become certified in order to teach and treat those with anger control problems.
Here are the reasons to consider:
AMI provides evidence-based programs and teaches empirically supported anger management strategies;
AMI is approved and endorsed by the National Anger Management Association (NAMA) — the leading and largest International credentialing organization for professionals/leaders in the anger management field;
AMI provides continuing education units and is an approved provider for NBCC, NASW, IAODAPCA, NAMA CEs/CEUs;
Leaders/professionals completing the AMI training programs (workshops, online, home-study) qualify for the nationally recognized NAMA designation: Certified Anger Management Specialist-I or II (CAMS-I; CAMS-II).
The presenters are highly credentialed in the field of anger management: Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V (author, facilitator, counselor), and Steve Yeschek, LCSW, CAMS-IV (group facilitator, counselor and coach) have presented on-going workshops, groups and classes since 2004. Lynette and Steve have been credentialed by NAMA as Certified Anger Management Specialist-IV or V (CAMS-IV, CAMS-V) and are Diplomates, Supervisors and Consultants with NAMA. Lynette and Steve present the Anger Management Trainer-Specialist workshops which are offered throughout the year in the Midwest and in Texas and provide CEs/CEUs for leaders and professionals.
Seigel Bartley, PhD, LPC-S, CAMS-V and Joe Cook, PhD, LPC-S, CAMS-IV are designated by NAMA as CAMS–V or IV, Diplomates, Supervisors and Consultants. Dr. Bartley and Dr. Cook are professors in the counseling program at the Dallas Baptist University.
Certificate Programs, Courses and Class benefits: Approved and endorsed program by National Anger Management Association (NAMA) – qualifying trainers as Certified Anger Management Specialist-I or II. Approved by NAMA as a primary CEU provider. #102
Approved by National Board of Certified Counselors for 12 Ces for LPCs, LCPCs: # 6577.
Approved by National Association of Social Workers for 12 CEUs for LSWs, LCSWs: #886526264. Approved by NAADAC (association for addictions professionals) for 12 CEUs.
Approved by IAODAPCA for 13 CEUs – program # 12978: Counselor II, Prevention II, Assessor II, MISA I or II, CCJP II, PCGC II, CAAP II, CRSS I or II, MAATP II, CFPP II, CADC, CRADC, CSADC, CAADC.
Approved by Ohio Counselor, Social Worker & Marriage & Family Therapist Board for 12 CPEs: Provider #MCST081107.
Approval nationally by courts and judges for court-mandated cases since 2005. Approved by Cook County District Court and other Chicago-land area courts for court mandated clients. Listed on the National Anger Management Association directory.
Here are some of the options available for Anger Management Institute training certification:
Live Illinois Training Workshops: will be offered March 22-23, 2018 at Lewis University campus — Oak Brook, IL. Obtain the National Anger Management Association (NAMA) Certification as an Anger Management Specialist I or II at these Certification Workshops. Includes CEUs, workshops, Training binder, Leader’s guide and assessment tools! (NAMA membership fee not included). Read more here!
Live Texas Training Workshops: To be Offered March, 2018 in Plano, TX. You can obtain the NAMA certification as an Anger Management Specialist I or II. Includes NBCC, NAADAC, NAMA and Texas State Board CEs/CEUs, workshops, Training binder, Leader’s guide and assessment tools! (NAMA membership fee not included). Read more here!
Online and DVD Home-study Training Programs:
Obtain certification as an Anger Management Specialist-1 or II by taking the Online Trainer-Specialist Certification Course with video (fastest way) approved for 12 NBCC and IAODAPCA CEs/CEUs or order the DVD home-study program! Our DVD program is now approved for 15 NBCC CEs and 12 IAODAPCA CEUs.
Dr. Pfeiffer, President of NAMA and Growth Central writes: “Certification by and membership with NAMA offers numerous benefits including: Nationally recognized Anger Management Specialist Certification – this means that you are recognized as having nationally standardized credentials to help you become a local community leader in the field of Anger Management. When you qualify by finishing an endorsed program by the Anger Management Institute and apply for Specialist Certification you automatically become a Member of NAMA.
Listing in the very popular online NAMA Member & Specialist Directory for referrals and credential check. The NAMA website provides you with an electronic Internet link to your professional community. Through the online Directory it also allows the general public access to search for anger management specialists in their vicinity and for courts, businesses, others needing to refer people to anger management programs. The Directory allows members to check and edit their own listing.
Opportunities to network with the top Anger Management professionals and experts in the field.
Support NAMA’s continuing efforts with legislative advocacy, marketing, and research to sustain all our Anger Management Programs.
Anger Management class–Tuesdays
News: November, 2017
8- hour Anger Management Class begins Tuesdays, Nov. 21 from 7-9 p.m. for four weeks in Oak Brook, IL. For clients/students who are court-ordered or for personal growth! Registration now closed.
Breaking Out of Anger!
Have you ever wondered what causes anger to rear it’s ugly head so quickly? In our books I have talked about how expectations, self-talk and choices trigger and amplify anger.
Anger is ultimately a physiological and a cognitive response to certain triggers. It’s different for everyone. You might be able to shrug-off some triggers such as – a co-worker not listening to you but, fly into a rage when you can’t get your spouse’s attention.
What you tell yourself or the expectations you hold onto for other people and life goals will impact how you respond to those triggers. You then make the choice to act on the anger you feel.
How can you break out of this? How can you stop the yelling, sarcasm or hidden anger which entangles you in resentment and infects your relationships?
We teach the time-out skill as one of the best methods to stop anger from exploding or imploding.
“But, I don’t want to take a time-out when I feel angry”, you argue, “I want people to understand how they are wrong. I want to be understood. I want to get the problem solved.”
I hear these arguments from students and clients all the time. I can identify with these feelings when I’m experiencing conflict or disappointments.
The important aspect of this skill is that it stops anger from escalating. It stops the physiological fight/flight response we all have when someone or something triggers our anger.
When we take a time-out, we can implement some of the stress management or relaxation skills. During the time-out we can identify what is really happening and write out what we want or need. Maybe during the time-out we’ll discover that what we want is unrealistic or demanding. Or maybe we’ll find out that what we want is reasonable and necessary. Taking a time-out when we feel angry – can help us think through the issues and go back to the other person with one or two requests or with an apology or with some options for working through our differences or misunderstandings.
So, why not take a break when you feel anger rising inside you? A time-out will help you put a check on anger and check out whether it’s valid.
Listen to these podcasts: 4 Q’s to Disarming Anger
and Talk Yourself Out of Anger!
See all of the Quick Tips for Managing Anger podcasts at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com/podcasts.xml
Here are some resources to teach you skills for managing your anger: What’s Good About Anger? .
© copyright 2017 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection a National Certified Counselor and a Certified Anger Management Specialist-V with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.
Controlling the Rage Within
I recently received this Question: When I get angry, I blow up so fast that I don’t have time to stop and think or ask for God’s wisdom. I know all of these things would help, but by the time I think of it I’ve already done the damage. What can I do to help get control of my temper and the rage within?
A: Many of have felt this way. Anger is often a primary emotion which quickly triggers the emotional center of the brain within 1/20th of a second. We are often primed to get angry because we are experiencing== low self-worth, unmet goals, disappointments, abuse, expectations, fears, sin, selfishness , skill deficits, stress and other emotional or relationship problems.
So, what Happens? You encounter a rude family member or a co-worker who is pestering you to hurry up with your part of a project – and your anger immediately rears it’s head in less than a second– increasing your heart rate and breathing. All you want to do is loudly let him/her know how disrespectful they are. Instead, You might hold your anger inside and then, blow-up later on when you get home. Or you may decide to just ignore the person. Of course, that won’t solve the issue and your anger will keep brewing .
The question is: how can you prevent such an overpowering emotional response & how can you respond in a healthy way to these kinds of triggering events?
Take the following steps:
1. Write out and log recent times of anger. Explore what happened, what the issue was, how you felt and what resulted. Then write out times in the past when you were able to control your anger… maybe at work or school or at a community event… how did you control it? What did you do or say?
What did you tell yourself to calm down? Most people tend to be able to control their anger at times. thus proving that they can have control over it. Order the book What’s Good About Anger? and take the Anger Survey in the first chapter.
2. Learn to take a break (time-outs) immediately. You can walk away from situations/people who trigger your anger. Tell him/her that you will get back to them in an hour or two. Give yourself time to cool off: 20 min. Do some diaphragmatic breathing which will help calm you down. Take a walk, pray and…
Ask yourself: What is the real issue? What are my feelings underneath my anger? Is there a request I can make? How can I negotiate or compromise some conflict I am having?
What else is going on? You may be dealing with a lot of stress or loss. You might be experiencing hot self-talk such as: I know this person is out to get me! Stress and self-talk need to be decreased and challenged
Begin an exercise program so that you can work off some of the stress in your life physically.
3. Learn to communicate assertively as this is one of the most important tools for expressing your anger in a healthy way. Write out and then, share more openly & respectfully your needs, requests, boundaries and opinions with others. Apply the ASERT approach found in the What’s Good About Anger? book.
Identifying your triggers, learning to take a break and communicate assertively are 3 of the most effective methods for helping you control the rage and anger within.
Lynette Hoy is the President of the Anger Management Institute in Oak Brook, IL. Please visit www.goodanger.com for all of our resources, courses, workshops and services.
~ © copyright 2017 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V
Can’t Let Go of Anger
Question: Basically one of those little things happen where somebody is rude or whatever, and I cannot it go, it bothers me forever. And in most cases, I’ve done nothing wrong, and I should just be able to go, “Wow, what a jerk,” and move on. But I find myself replaying the situation over and over in my head, and I just want to yell at them.
Very rarely am I able to actually communicate with the person and tell them they hurt my feelings. Couple of examples, At the coffee place where I work, a regular came in, and my co-worker was on her break, but the regular was like, “Are you [her] going to make my drink?” And the girl was like, “No, I’m on my break.” So I start making it, and the lady goes over to talk with my coworker and tells her, (she doesn’t realize I can hear her) “I don’t want her making it” … To my coworker, in front of ANOTHER coworker, and in front of other customers. I am really good at what I do, and I can’t think of any reason why she wouldn’t want me to make it. Honestly, I’ve heard from almost every customer, that I’m a better barista than the girl she was talking to. I actually got the strength to say something to her the next time she came in.
Okay, check this out… her “problem” with me: She get’s a smoothie. She get’s whipped cream on top. We use home made whipped cream out of a seltzer dispenser. Sometimes, there’s a lot of pressure in the container, and she got a drink on the first squirt of the container, so some of the whipped cream went to the bottom of her cup. She got all upset and said I was “cheating” her. I explained… told her that we used recipes, and that she got the amount she was supposed to… so that’s what she had been holding onto. I’m just flabbergasted that a grown woman would not only be so petty, but would dispay the sort of catty behavior I expect from a girl in junior high school.
This was like two weeks ago and I can’t let it go. I keep thinking of what smart thing I could say to her the next time she comes in. I cannot describe in words how rudely and condesendingly she treats me. Beyond that, this woman is a moron. I was so angry at the way she had talked to me, and in front of a bunch of people, that I told her never mind, because she’s an idiot and stormed out. She used to come into the print shop I worked, and I’d help her make stupid collages. It wasn’t my job, and if I’d cut something wrong, she could (and probably would) have freaked out, but that’s the kind of stuff you do in small towns. I just like want to be in a situation where she needs something from me and I can just remind her of this little incident.
It’s really hard to interact with people and I just feel like these little “tiffs” are too hard. I can’t get over them. Please advise, Angryalot
Dear Friend, thanks for posting. You wrote: “Basically one of those little things happen where somebody is rude or whatever, and I cannot it go, it bothers me forever. And in most cases, I’ve done nothing wrong, and I should just be able to go, “Wow, what a jerk,” and move on. But I find myself replaying the situation over and over in my head, and I just want to yell at them. Very rarely am I able to actually communicate with the person and tell them they hurt my feelings..
“My advice is this: In your examples I believe you have a right to be angry. On the other hand, you are suffering mentally and emotionally since you can’t let the situations go and become obsessed with hurt and anger for a long period of time. In our book: What’s Good About Anger? we write about: “What Happens in the Process of Anger?” First there is a threat to self– which is exacerbated by poor self-concept, negative self-evaluations, frustration, fear, disappointment and leads to anger. Paul Hauck explains the 6 levels of thought involved when one becomes angry
1. “I want something”
2. “I didn’t get what I wanted and am frustrated”
3. “It is awful and terrible not to get what I want”
4. “You shouldn’t frustrate me! I must have my way.”
5. “You’re bad for frustrating me.”
6. “Bad people ought to be punished”
This thinking goes awry when one begins to catastrophize and think – it is awful and terrible to not get what I wanted, ie., respect, consideration, fairness, etc. Challenging your thinking is important. People are unfair. People can be disrespectful and disappointing. But, should their behavior cause you to be unhappy for days on end? Is it worth it to be so controlled by them that you can’t function or experience peace in your life? Do these people have that much power over you? Does their opinion of you change your worth or significance?
Read and apply the thinking ahead skills posted on this page. Also, it’s very important for you to build your self-worth and discover your purpose in life.
In order to prevent rumination about past hurfful events and decrease fear about future conflicts – you can learn to be assertive and prepare for future scenarios. Read about how to Assert Yourself!. By challenging and changing your thinking, growing in self-esteem and learning new communication skills – you will find more confidence to handle these people and situations.
At some point, you will need to forgive and let it go. The people may not change – but, you will be set free! God bless!
© copyright 2017 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC, CAMS-V.
Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection and National Certified Counselor. She is the co-author of all editions of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations.