In this time I have had three instances of uncontrolled anger where i seem to get stuck on a topic and keep asking my partner the same question time and time again.
I have not hit my partner or attacked her and do not feel like doing so but I do not feel like I am in control.
We have an arguement which lasts maybe 30 minutes after which I feel like my normal relaxed self.
Is this outburst a build up over time or something that is triggered on the spur of the moment?
Answer: Dear Friend, thank you for writing.
Anger Escalates: The feeling of anger is an automatic reaction physiologically to any insult or threat and anger rears it’s ugly head within 2-3 seconds. Hormones kick in and keep anger simmering for 30 minutes. If you don’t have a strategy in place to stop, prevent triggers or decrease the escalation of anger – you will feel out-of-control once it gets going.
Intervention: I always recommend the time-out strategy since it’s such a good way to control and defuse anger. I suggest you use it for any major issue or conflict that comes up with your partner. Explore the underlying fears and thoughts which may be contributing to your anger during the time-out. In the book: What’s Good About Anger? readers learn a step-by-step plan for the time-out, gain understanding about cognitive distortions which are triggering anger and how to challenge these and learn other coping skills.
Ask her to respect your request for a time-out when you are starting down the path of conflict and you feel anger beginning to simmer. Don’t apologize for taking a time-out. During the T.O. (usually 30 min. – one hour) you both can reflect on what the issue is, a request you might have or a way you can collaborate.
Log your angry episodes. Why? Because you will begin to see a pattern of what issues or triggers provoke your anger. Anger is a choice. You can control how you react. If you log the scenarios – you will recognize which coping skills you are using that can help you during more difficult times.
Check out the various resources for managing your anger at the: What’s Good About Anger? Institute (books, courses for individuals or couples, DVD) or many other resources found at the: American Association of Anger Management Providers.
© copyright 2005 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC. Lynette is a Marriage and Family Counselor with CounselCare Connection , National Certified Counselor, Anger Management Specialist-IV and Diplomate with the National Anger Management Association. She is the co-author of What’s Good About Anger? and a speaker for community, women’s and church organizations